I took a long, long bath this morning. I shaved my legs. Exciting.
It's amazing how something as simple as a bath can make you feel so much better.
I have this anxiety lately.
I briefly mentioned that the other night I had a crushing anxiety attack over whether I had paid my cable bill. It was completely irrational. I HAD paid the bill, but even if I hadn't? Big deal. I have the money in my bank account and could have easily just logged on, clicked the cable company's website, clicked "pay my bill" and it would have been over with. You know?
So why was it such a big deal?
I guess because I feel like an idiot lately. Really, a complete idiot. All the time. And it makes me feel really out of control and helpless.
Except the other night? I went to Jason's office after hours to help him get caught up on things. He gave me a huge sheet of customer's names and account numbers and I sat for well over two hours (past midnight when I got home, GOOD LORD) and made credit decisions.
And I'm really good at making credit decisions, you know? I used to work for a company that is now Citibank and after that I was a credit counselor for five years. I know credit like the back of my hand and I'm really, really good at those things.
The job I have now? Well, I'm lucky if I get through the first two hours of each day without feeling like a complete and total idiot. And you know? Feeling like an idiot all the time pretty much both sucks and blows.
I try to remind myself that I'm still new at this work, and just because I don't know as much as people who have been doing it for twenty years, doesn't mean I'm not smart, it just means I don't have experience. I try to remind myself that I'm not afraid to say I don't know the answer and admitting I don't know the answer doesn't make me a Stupidy McStupidpants, it just makes me a person who needs to know the answer and doesn't. I try to remind myself how much I freaking HATED being a credit counselor (so much I seriously used to pray to God that a drunk driver would hit my car on the way to work so I could have a day off) and how everyone I tried to help blamed me for everything and how bad that sucked. Of course, it's markedly similar to working for the Feds also...everyone wants someone to blame. But I get paid a lot more, so I try to ignore that part.
So part of me is really logical and rational about the whole thing. But a much larger part of me is sad and frustrated and impatient.