I took a long, long bath this morning. I shaved my legs. Exciting.
It's amazing how something as simple as a bath can make you feel so much better.
Except?
I have this anxiety lately.
I briefly mentioned that the other night I had a crushing anxiety attack over whether I had paid my cable bill. It was completely irrational. I HAD paid the bill, but even if I hadn't? Big deal. I have the money in my bank account and could have easily just logged on, clicked the cable company's website, clicked "pay my bill" and it would have been over with. You know?
So why was it such a big deal?
I guess because I feel like an idiot lately. Really, a complete idiot. All the time. And it makes me feel really out of control and helpless.
Except the other night? I went to Jason's office after hours to help him get caught up on things. He gave me a huge sheet of customer's names and account numbers and I sat for well over two hours (past midnight when I got home, GOOD LORD) and made credit decisions.
And I'm really good at making credit decisions, you know? I used to work for a company that is now Citibank and after that I was a credit counselor for five years. I know credit like the back of my hand and I'm really, really good at those things.
The job I have now? Well, I'm lucky if I get through the first two hours of each day without feeling like a complete and total idiot. And you know? Feeling like an idiot all the time pretty much both sucks and blows.
I try to remind myself that I'm still new at this work, and just because I don't know as much as people who have been doing it for twenty years, doesn't mean I'm not smart, it just means I don't have experience. I try to remind myself that I'm not afraid to say I don't know the answer and admitting I don't know the answer doesn't make me a Stupidy McStupidpants, it just makes me a person who needs to know the answer and doesn't. I try to remind myself how much I freaking HATED being a credit counselor (so much I seriously used to pray to God that a drunk driver would hit my car on the way to work so I could have a day off) and how everyone I tried to help blamed me for everything and how bad that sucked. Of course, it's markedly similar to working for the Feds also...everyone wants someone to blame. But I get paid a lot more, so I try to ignore that part.
So part of me is really logical and rational about the whole thing. But a much larger part of me is sad and frustrated and impatient.
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17 comments:
I think everybody feels like a Stupidy McStupidpants at least once a day at work. I know I do!
I don't think you could ever actually be one, though. I know for a fact that you're brilliant!
xoxo
If you were Stupidy McStupidpants (I love this) then you wouldn't be taking this much time to rationalize everything!! I am happy for you that you got a few quiet minutes to take a bath and shave. Actually now that I read your post I just may need to put the kids in bed and go do this myself! Hang in there!
Mel
I have proven myself dumber than a bag of rocks at work every single day for long enough that my doctor is going to test my thyroid because there MUST be a reason for such stupidity. That's embarrassing.
You? You are definitely not a Stupidy McStupidpants. But you need a vacation. Somewhere with no dumb neighbors, annoying relatives and/or coworkers and lots of quiet.
Chick, You are one of the most intelligent people I know. At this stage of your career, you are supposed to feel this way.
Many, many years ago, as I was being promoted to more responsibility, I told my boss I wasn't ready for the job and he explained it to me this way:
We all start out at a certain level of incompentency. Once we get good (competent) at our job, we are then ready to move up to our next level of incompetency.
You just finished college recently, got promoted at work, and have loads of other responsibilities. You are doing well, Chick.
I wouldn't worry too much until you get too good in your new postition and someone decides to move you up to your next level of incompetency.
Blessings to you.
oh Chick, yet another way we are so much alike. I have severe anxiety issues. Panic attacks are one of the worst things ever. such a horrible feeling.
oh, and you should look at the quote at the top of my blog, if you think you are dumb for asking questions.
Irrational fears are so hard to battle, because you can't fight them with rational arguments, like all the people who love you telling you how freakin' brilliant they think you are. Still, it doesn't hurt to hear it, does it?
You. Are. Awesome.
Chick I feel like a Stupidy McStupid pants at least once a day at my work also. And the anxiety attacks I get them to. Its not unusual. Hope you are feeling better about things soon. Also I agree you need a vacation away from neighbors and your job.
What is this??!! You are extremely smart and extremely awesome at what you do. Please don't be doubting yourself. Makes me sad :(
Come spend an hour with me. You'll leave feeling like the twin of Albert Einstein!! :)
You are very smart and bright, no matter what you think you are. I can relate to the way you are feeling, I have anxiety issues myself, and totally feel out of control. It sucks the big one.
Hang in there!
Quit your job, get out while you can. Sorry it is a quote from a movie. I do that alot and it annoys some people. I am not trying to be flip. hugs.
I asked the company that I work for if they would buy me a new computer...
they did...
but it's a MAC... and I've never worked with a MAC before...
All day long it makes noises, beeps, and such and I have yet to figure out what some of them mean...
However, there are great advantages to this computer compared to the PC and I just have to take the good with the bad...
but I have cried to the President of the company and told him just how STUPID this computer makes me feel... :(
I'm getting better though...
Hang in there... :)
I don't think you're stupid...
Heather
Yes, please don't doubt yourself. Just like you said, you are new to the job and it will come with time. You are brilliant, really you are.
Everyone feels like that when they start a new job. You just want to know what you're doing, stop having to ask questions all the time, and get on with it! We've all been there.
Chickie, I just wrote you a long comment and then it disappeared into cyberspace. I don't have time to retype it, so I'm just going to, for now, say that you need to remember that:
SUCCESS BEGINS WITH PRODIGIES
Your post has made me realize that one big reason I remain an administrative assistant is because I like the feeling of mastery that it provides. I like the feeling of being totally on top of my game and I don't want to give that up. I'm not sure if this is a good thing, a bad thing, or an indifferent thing, but it's worth thinking about. Thanks!
Some people worship a devil who a reptile dinosour dragen hes the king of devils named Saten. Hes the oppisate of the one true Holy God. Satens best friend is a beast from the bottemless pit who has ten horns and seven heads, feet of a bear body of a leopard. Some Satenist maybe 561,000,000 are dead set on killing innocent babies when they get a chance to switch them with a clone. Someday they will have the beast mark on their right hand or forhead. Its 666 its a click where Christianity is hated. But Micheal and his angels will fight the devils and his Angels. The Canadian military, and Holland have a picture of Angel charoits. some day these 2 countries are going to go berzerk and kill millions of Americans maybe in 2058. Goddamit! I dont trust the British people in Britian either.
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