Today was going to be a wonderful day for my family.
My little sister was going to go to the doctor to find out the sex of her twins.
Instead, she was greeted by the horrifying, life-altering news that one of her twins has died.
It is so hard for me to put into words how I feel about this. As a mother of twins, I can honestly say having them was a completely life-changing experience, in so many ways. One of my worst fears while pregnant with my twins was that one would die and I would be left to deal with the loss of someone I had never met, but loved more than life itself. I didn't know how I could handle that loss.
I called her and she cried so much...so much. Her tears and her pain made me feel so extremely inadequate. I want so badly to help her and there is just nothing I can say or do that will make it feel better right now.
She said, "I feel like I let everyone down!" But she didn't. She didn't. She couldn't.
She asks me these hard questions, "Why me?" "Why us?" "What did I do to make this happen?" and there are no answers...no good answers. I know that every mother who has ever lost a baby, or had a premature baby, and every woman who has dealt with the pain of infertility has thought those same things. I know I have, most every day of my life.
I wish I had the answers for her. I wish I had the answers for all of us.
The other baby is a little girl. A little girl who I am certain will be loving and strong and beautiful and wonderful, just like her mother. I told my sister she would never forget the other baby, but each day it would get a little better and a little easier. I believe that.
I wish I could make all her pain go away. I'd give anything to do that.