Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Like you never had a broken heart...

Today was going to be a wonderful day for my family.

My little sister was going to go to the doctor to find out the sex of her twins.

Instead, she was greeted by the horrifying, life-altering news that one of her twins has died.

It is so hard for me to put into words how I feel about this. As a mother of twins, I can honestly say having them was a completely life-changing experience, in so many ways. One of my worst fears while pregnant with my twins was that one would die and I would be left to deal with the loss of someone I had never met, but loved more than life itself. I didn't know how I could handle that loss.

I called her and she cried so much...so much. Her tears and her pain made me feel so extremely inadequate. I want so badly to help her and there is just nothing I can say or do that will make it feel better right now.

She said, "I feel like I let everyone down!" But she didn't. She didn't. She couldn't.

She asks me these hard questions, "Why me?" "Why us?" "What did I do to make this happen?" and there are no answers...no good answers. I know that every mother who has ever lost a baby, or had a premature baby, and every woman who has dealt with the pain of infertility has thought those same things. I know I have, most every day of my life.

I wish I had the answers for her. I wish I had the answers for all of us.

The other baby is a little girl. A little girl who I am certain will be loving and strong and beautiful and wonderful, just like her mother. I told my sister she would never forget the other baby, but each day it would get a little better and a little easier. I believe that.

I wish I could make all her pain go away. I'd give anything to do that.

39 comments:

SJ said...

Oh sweetheart, I'm terribly sorry. Terribly. I have no words, just know that I'm thinking about you and your family.

Adventures in Baby Fat said...

This is heartbreaking. She is not a failure! I understand the loss. She is not alone in her grief, she is not to blame. She should not feel isolated in her feelings.

And sometimes there are no answers. In the future is the understanding. In the future is the relief from the pain. And she is not alone! At least these are my words as a stranger, which may seem hollow. But I've been there.

My prayers for her and you and your family.

Em said...

I am so sorry to hear about this loss. She must be heartbroken and so confused by how this could happen. My thoughts and prayers are with her and all your family.

Angela Z said...

So, so sorry for her loss. And like you stated, you can't put it into words. Life throws us some of the strangest curves that at times, we just wonder why me? I know that is simplistic.......but it is so true. Take care.

nailgirl24 said...

Hugs and nothing but good karma for you are your family chick!

Bethany said...

Oh Chick, I am so sorry. I will pray for your sister and family.

stepmomof2 said...

I'm so sorry and can't imagine what you all are going through. I will keep you all in my prayers.

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

My condolences and sympathies. We are praying for your sister.
She's lucky to have you as a sister and friend.

Blessings to you and your sister.

alissa said...

Oh my... I am so very sorry for you & your family....

Like you said, time will help...

Ellie said...

I have no words of wisdom to share, but to say your sister is grieving and she just needs love and support. I will pray for you to be strong for your sister and for your sister to be able to find healing.

(I didn't get your comment about being wrong over on my blog. Can you explain?)

Wendy said...

Oh! I am so sorry! I wish I knew what to say! Praying for your family!

Kimberly said...

I have an Aunt who went through a similar situation. She already had a set of twins, and people were always saying insensitive things like, "At least you have your other kids..." It hurt her and angered her so much.

She told me a year later that what she needed most at that time was someone to cry to, someone to confess to, and someone to tell her that her worries it was her fault were irrational. -Valid- but irrational. Validating is so important.

The feeling of helplessness mixed with grief is so rough. So sorry you're having to go through it. ~hugs~

Bethany said...

I feel inadequate as well... she is my best friend and yet I can do absolutely nothing for her and it crushes my heart! She is an amazing mom... she is who I wish I was... she does not deserve this and if I could, I would take every ounce of her pain. Today was supposed to be a wonderful day... I am just so thankful that we have an amazing, strong and beautiful little girl to meet... who I know will show us all what miracles really are!

rookiemom said...

Oh my, I am so so sorry. I can't imagine what she must be going through but my thoughts are with your family.

Jocelyn said...

This is so painful for all of you. Interestingly, I just started putting together a post on my own experience with this. And I have friends to whom this happened. But, no matter how often it happens, the pain is still personal and raw. I'm so sorry.

Creamy Silver said...

My deepest heartfelt sympathies to your sister. Please tell her I'm so, so sorry.

Amira said...

How painful...for your sister and for you.

Thinking of all of you and lifting you up.

my4kids said...

Oh Chick...I am so sorry to hear this. I know you were excited about this. I will be thinking of you and your sister and family

velocibadgergirl said...

Chick, I'm so sorry for your sister's loss...give her a hug for me. :(

Shanilie said...

Oh my goodness, my heart is heavy and verry saddened after hearing this. I feel like I just heard about the news, I can't imagine the pain that your sister and the family is feeling right now, I hope I never have to know what it feels like in loosing a child. Praying for all of you. "in the times where there were 1 set of footprints in the sand, that is when the Lord was carrying us throug" Praise the Lord for the beautiful little girl growing inside of her.

Morgan Leigh said...

oh no. I am so sorry. I will have your sister in my prayers.

Amy W said...

My prayers and sympathies for your family...I am so very sorry....

Stephanette said...

I'm crying and praying for you all right now. My only thoughts are what you said to me not so long ago. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Oh great One said...

That is horrible news. I lost a baby last summer myself. I didn't find out till we had the family gathered around the ultrasound machine. I don't know that anything you say will make her feel better but knowing she can lean on you will be so comforting for her. Take care.

EE said...

I'm so sorry...can't imagine what your sis is going through...hugs.

Sleeping Mommy said...

I'm so sorry for your family's loss. Words cannot express any of it--your feelings of loss, your sister's loss or the condolences we all want to send.

M said...

My breath caught as I read this. I am so horribly sorry for her. So very many prayers to her. And to you. How do you handle your sister's heart breaking like that? Just impossible.

This has to be one of the most impossible situations for her right now. I only hope all looks well with the surviving baby and the rest of her pregnancy is uneventful so she can both celebrate the one life and fully grieve the loss of the other baby without additional stresses.

Catwoman said...

Although my situation wasn't even close to as tragic as yours, I went through the same thing last summer when my sister called me because her 8-month ultrasound revealed that her baby was missing a hand.

In the same way your sister asked you "why?" and "what have I done?" my sister did too. And all I could do was listen to her, let her cry and tell her it was a sad situation, but that it wasn't her fault. And that all she could do was love that baby the best she could and mourn the idea she had of the day of the birth.

In my sister's case, a baby with two hands. In your sister's case, two babies.

Having your sister in so much emotional pain is very tough to take. I wish your family all the best during this very difficult time.

Only mothers can understand how deep your sister's love was already for that little baby.

Rachel said...

Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry for your familiy's loss. That is so heartbreaking!

It's so hard not to blame yourself and ask why over and over again. When Alyssa was a born a month early, I kept thinking it was something I did wrong. I know now that is not the case.

She will never forget the child she lost, and her daughter's birth will probably be bittersweet, but she will have her and that will help her deal.

CPA Mom said...

Oh dear Lord. This is not what I was expected when innocently clicking on over to see what That Chick is up too...terrible terrible news. I remember when the same thing happened to my dad and his wife...I had no words then, I have no words now. Please know you are all in my prayers.

Melissa said...

I am so sorry to hear about this sadness in your family. I cannot even begin to understand how your sister or you are feeling right now, but please know that you are in my prayers and I am praying for peace during this horrible time. God Bless that special little girl who will be such a blessing when she arrives!!
Mel

Gerbil said...

I can't even put it into words, all I can do is listen to my heart crack for you & your sister.

frannie said...

I am so very, very sorry for you and your family.

This happened to my cousin and it is a terrible thing to go through.

Heathie said...

So sorry to hear about this! My prayers and sympathies to your sister and your family.

Emma in Canada said...

Oh, I'm so sorry for your sister, and for you.

Kelly M said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss! That is horrible! I will keep you all in my prayers!

Kellie said...

How heartbreaking. I'm so sorry to your sister and you and the rest of the family. I can't even imagine what your sister feels...all of you are in my thoughts and prayers.

and rudeness said...

You and your little sister and all of your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

I'm really so sad for your baby sis right now. I know how much you love her. She's in my prayers and you are too - I know how much you love your neices and nephews and how much you would have loved this baby. I'm so sorry.
*hug*