Like most mothers, I question my ability to raise my children on a regular basis. People tell me I'm a good mother, and I believe I am to the extent of things like, I don't beat them and they always have cooked food and wear clean clothes and stuff. Also, I teach them about God and Jesus and I know that's not for everybody, but for us, it's important. They always brush their teeth and they are always at school, on time, every single day, because By God we might not be the smartest or best at anything, but we can show up!
I've been kind of depressed, lonely, sad, scared, and so on lately and one thing that I noticed in my soul-searching is that I have absolutely no friends who have children my age. Zero. None. I have no frame of reference. I have no one to talk to about what they are going through and what they need.
Also? Most people who have young kids or babies or are pregnant? Absolutely have zero respect for my opinion.
This isn't true of everyone of course. I know that my sweetheart M respects my opinion very much. She doesn't ask me for advice or anything, which is fine, because let's face it, I'm hardly Ann Landers here. But she does respect the job I've done raising my children. I also have one pregnant friend who feels strongly that I've done a good job and hopes she can ask me questions when her child is born. I know I have other friends who appreciate my mothering skills and whatnot...I don't mean to say that everyone feels this way about me. I'm very grateful for that, because often? I feel like the kid standing at the back of the room that no one wants to talk to.
It's not like I'm going around offering unsolicited advice. Other than my open letters, I'm really not like that at all. I don't have really strong opinions on things like, c-sections. I mean, you have one or you don't. What the crap do I care? I mean, it's your body, not mine. I personally had a c-section and it was fine. I didn't feel that I missed anything because the babies came out of hole in my side rather than a hole in my vajayjay. You know? I don't want to debate the merits of natural childbirth versus having a whole bunch of drugs, because frankly I don't care. No, really. I don't care. I think every single woman who ever has a baby is completely 100% entitled to make those decisions for herself and not have someone judge her for it.
I guess I just want people to ask me my opinions. I just want people to say, "How was this experience for you?"
And since I'm being really honest here? I have absolutely no business giving anyone parenting and children advice. None. Good Lord. It's almost criminal that I would do that.
Do you know how much about pregnancy I know? Probably as much as the average American boy in the 7th grade. Seriously. I know how you get pregnant. That's about the extent of my knowledge. I don't know when you have ultrasounds. I don't know how big the baby is when you are six weeks pregnant, or six months pregnant or anything. It's like there are millions of women who have taken this secret health class and I was to busy playing softball with the boys while it was going on and totally have no idea what's going on. Come on in! It's the Girl Class! That Chick over There is not allowed!
Also? It annoys me with myself that I don't know more about girl crap. Because I could do the research and whatnot. I mean, I try not to beat myself up about not doing it while I was pregnant since I was left by my husband and spent the majority of the pregnancy weeping and sobbing and trying to do things like, keep the lights on and not commit suicide. So I was kind of preoccupied I guess. I'll give myself a pass on that.
And granted, I could have done the research SINCE then. It's been like nine years now and while I've kept pretty busy, I'm sure I could have turned off E's True Hollywood Story and read a book about my fertility or whatever. It's just...I get to the parts about my vagina secreting something that's the consistency of creamy egg whites and I just throw up in my mouth a little. I'm so not evolved.
So I have no right whatsoever, NONE, to be annoyed that so many women think I have nothing to offer when it comes to kids. I mean, I have LESS than no right. I know this, I recognize this, and it still annoys the crap out of me.
I think I need therapy.
Seriously, I think I just want someone to ask me about how it was so I can remember. Because I don't remember. I don't remember anything.
I want to remember.
As wonderful as my life is and as wonderful as my family is and as grateful to God as I am for these two wonderful kids...I want to remember what it felt like to be a new mom. I want to be able to look back on that entire experience with something more than a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Because viewing your entire pregnancy and childbirth experience as a horrible, horrible punishment for something you did in a past life? It's really not good. I mean, really. Not. Good. It makes you feel like you are the worst mother on the planet and certainly YOU don't deserve such good kids. And there are plenty of women out there who would love to have your kids...women who have real infertility, not crappy secondary infertility like your sorry ass.
Which is, as you might imagine, not the best way to feel.