Open letters: Momma's-had-a-long-week-edition.

Dearest husband,

My love for you knows no boundaries.

My patience for you, however, is in jeopardy.

I just really fail to see how it is necessary for your knee to be wedged firmly in my anus or vagina, depending on what side I am laying on while attempting to sleep. This is just a complete mystery to me. Also a mystery is the fact that no matter how soundly you are sleeping, the millisecond I leave the bed for any purpose, you are immediately in the space that I only moments earlier occupied. How is this possible? Do you have some kind of radar that I don’t know about?

Also? I know that you are much, much smarter than everyone else on the planet, but really when the vet tells us that the dog needs to lose five pounds, I’m really going to take the vet’s word for it. Your judgment is really questionable about this subject, as you think that I, who clearly has at least one hundred pounds to lose, look just fine. Also, I think that the vet’s advanced medical training trumps your two semesters of college during which you were largely hung over and/or drunk, hooked up, and deeply ashamed.

Additionally? After I told you that we didn’t need to sneak the dog people food all the time and I saw you giving her the crusts off the left-over pizza you were eating? You are quite lucky that I didn’t crotch punch you.

Love you!
Your wife




Dear Don Imus,

I know you’ve been in the radio business for, heck, probably longer than I’ve been alive, so I’m really kind of surprised that I need to mention this.

See that little thing? Right in front of your face? It’s called a microphone. It captures the things you say and broadcasts them.

Amazing, right? Yeah I know.

Something else you may need to know: when you do good works, the good that you do is automatically negated when you go around telling everyone on the freaking planet how fantastic you are for the good works you do. The real heroes are people who don’t expect recognition for every dollar they give or every good work they do.

Also? You suck.

Thanks!
A fanatic non-listener




Dear Al Sharpton, Jessie Jackson, and everyone else who has crucified Imus recently,

Hi. Yeah, about that? While I’m totally on your side with the being irritated with Imus, I think you need to call up the Lacrosse team from Duke University and say you are sorry for being so quick to judge.

It’s only fair.

Thanks!
Someone who thinks things go both ways




Dear Duke Lacrosse Team,

While your judgment is questionable, you are innocent of all charges.

I’m sorry I judged you so quickly.

My apologizes,
Someone who can admit when she was wrong




Dear Scale,

You are new in my life and don’t know that most of your brothers and sisters have been gleefully flung in the dumpster.

This fate is likely yours, if you don’t start acting right.

Considering that I blew at least five pounds of snot out of my nose within the past two days and took an enormous dump before standing on you this morning, you really are pushing me by staying EXACTLY THE SAME. Seriously, I thought we had a deal. I eat nothing good and you go downward.

I’ve kept my end of it. Now it’s time for you to start keeping yours.

Consider this your first warning.

Thanks,
That fat chick over there




Dear Fergie-Ferg,

While I admire and appreciate the fact that you are attempting to teach the small girls of the United States how to spell such exciting words as glamorous and your very own name Stacy, I feel you would perhaps be a better role model if you would learn to sit like a lady. It seems that every photograph I ever see of you includes some version of your crotch, and really honey, no one wants to see that. I had such hope for you back in your Kids Incorporated days and you have completely destroyed it.

Also, while I appreciate the fact that you do get some artistic license in your songs, you negate the goodness of teaching small children how to spell when you use refrains such as “flopsy, flopsy!” What does that even mean?

Actually, never mind. I don’t really want to know what that means.

Please consider my suggestions.

Thanks!
Just a girl tired of seeing another girl’s junk