I spent the better part of the day yesterday feeling sorry for myself.
Why? Other than the fact that I'm a huge tool?
We didn't have anyone to have dinner with.
I know, I know. Really it's better that we just had dinner by ourselves. Jason was all like, "Woo! We can sit around in our underwear and have dinner!" and I was like, "Um, honey? We don't generally sit around in our underwear while we eat." and he goes, "But we COULD!"
So yeah, I guess that would have been a positive, had it been something, you know, feasible.
I felt bad though. Just because I really hoped that someone would take pity on us and say, "Would you like to come to our house? We have pecan pie."
Maybe I just really love pecan pie. I'm not sure. But I think the real answer is, I'm just feeling bad about my life and family in general.
I do know that I feel kind of guilty now. I adore the three people I live with. I would kill for those people. But sometimes, I wish I felt more of a family feeling from other places. I know I live far away from my parents, and I know that was my choice. I don't feel bad about that choice, because my life is so much better here, but still, there are consequences for every choice.
I also feel bad because Jason called his grandmother, who is the only person in his entire family who is remotely decent to me, and she wasn't at home. I'm sure she was with the rest of his family. She called back later and I spoke to her for just a few minutes. She really wants to talk to Jason, not me. Which is fine. If my grandmother called, she would be calling to talk to me, not Jason. You know?
Okay, and I really even hate to say this.
Even though she is nice and kind to me and nice and kind to my children, she doesn't treat the Boy Child and the Girl Child as though they are her grandchildren.
And it bothers the crap out of me.
Don't get me wrong. I appreciate the fact that she is nice to me and my children. I sincerely appreciate how she's always been kind to me. That is far, far more than I've ever gotten from any other member of my husband's family. I really care about her and worry about her welfare and sincerely want the best for her.
However, she never sends them anything for their birthday. Not even a card. I understand that maybe she doesn't know when their birthday is. That's fine. I get that. She is an old woman after all. But she doesn't send them anything at Christmas either, and I know she knows when that is, and I know she gives Jason's sister's children Christmas gifts. It's like my kids don't even exist, and it bothers the crap out of me.
My children adore her. They call her "Grammie", just like Jason does. They ask about her. They write her letters, they shop with me for gifts for her. She is just like their other grandmothers, because she is daddy's grandma.
It hurts me. It just does.
During my pregnancy it became pretty obvious that my first husband wasn't going to be around. In turn, his family wasn't around either. It's a long, complicated story, but basically, they've had nothing to do with my children since practically birth. I really tried to keep the lines of communication open, and finally I got tired of it. I was sending them letters, cards, pictures, and updating them constantly on my children's progress. They never responded. Never. So I got sick of wasting my time and money on people who clearly did not care about my children. They've made no effort to contact me in like, eight years.
I really hoped and prayed that I would find someone to love and marry who would, most importantly, love me and my children, and, as a bonus, would have a big family who loved me and accepted me and my children as part of their family. I feel sadness every single day of my life because that is so not what happened. Then, I feel guilty, because really, my husband is absolutely wonderful. He's not perfect, but he's a great person, a hard worker, a good husband, and a great father. I do not know that he could possibly love his own, biological child as much as he loves the Boy Child and the Girl Child. I also know that a lot of women aren't lucky enough to even have that, and really, I should suck it up and be grateful for what I have. My children are healthy. I have a strong marriage. The four people and one dog that live inside this house are all I could have ever asked for, and even more. Last night I made lasagna (we don't eat pork...no Easter ham for us) and they all raved about how delicious it was and how mommy is such a good cook.
But I really wanted pecan pie.
I really wanted a mother-in-law who loves me.
I really wanted my children to have more than my parents as grandparents.
And I really want to not feel this way.