Step away from the baseball bat...

Admittedly, despite my Southerness I don’t know much about country music as a whole.


Well, that’s not fair. I know nearly every Patsy Cline song by heart, as she is my idol. Also? I kind of sound like her when I sing.

See? She’s my girl. She and I could totally go walking after midnight.

Anyway. I love Kenny Rogers and his hairy back. I think Loretta Lynn was the absolute fo-shizzle. I also know most Johnny Cash songs and a whole, whole lot of Dolly Parton songs. Dolly is another personal favorite. I can belt out “Jolene” with the best of them and I think that crackwhore Whitney Houston did not do, “I will always love you” justice. I just think I could meet her and she and I would be BFF. Also? I think we are somehow related, and not just because of the big old bazoombas. Her mother, I think, used to have my maiden name and we are all from up in the holler somewhere.

But country music today? I know almost nothing.

Which is why I was a bit disturbed by the lyrics to the gorgeously beautiful Carrie Underwood’s song, “Before he cheats”. To wit:

That I dug my key into the side
of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats,
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.
I might've saved a little trouble for the next girl,
Cause the next time that he cheats...
Oh, you know it won't be on me!

Yeah. About that? While I’m all for Girl Power and whatnot, it just doesn’t seem wise to direct encourage people to commit vandalism such as this.

As someone who has been cheated on (by not only boyfriends, but a spouse as well! I'm AWESOME!) I can understand the desire to do something really, really nasty to someone who hurts you. When my ex-husband was screwing around with Mrs. Slutty Pantsflyoffy, I really wanted to call up the place that they both worked and tell on them, because dating someone you worked with was a complete no-no. Also? I wanted to call up her husband and tell him, because I just sort of thought he might need to know that the person he had been married to for FIFTEEN YEARS was, you know, sleeping with my husband.

But I didn’t.

Because looking at the situation with a critical eye? Those two were really freaking pathetic.

And why should I lower myself to their level of patheticosity?

Part of me thought, “He’s my husband and she can’t take him away from me!”

And another, much bigger part thought, “If he’s such a waste of human flesh that he is cheating on me with THAT? Then they deserve each other.”

Don’t lower yourself to their standards, ladies. If your man cheats on you just hold your head up high, walk out that door, and give it a good hard slam. Resist the urge to carve your name into the side of his truck! Resist the urge to call up his mistress and tell her to go to hell and die! Resist the urge to call his momma and tell her that her son didn’t turn out.

In the end, he’ll get his. It will suck for him. And you will laugh, plus, retain your dignity.



Also? If you want to flip him a bird, that’s okay. That never hurt anyone.