Friday, April 20, 2007

Today's Special: Open Letters. Extra Snarky!

Dear Lady in the gray Nissan Maxima on Interstate 40 today,

I was so pleased when I saw that large bumper sticker on your car that said: "Honk if you Love Jesus!" Because, you know, I do love Jesus and all.

But honey? When I was honking at you, it wasn’t because I love Jesus. It was because you were going 20 miles below the speed limit and applying make-up at 7:38am. You know, morning? The time that a lot of people are on Interstate 40 because they are trying to go to work, not because it's just a really fun exciting place to park your car and have people make obscene gestures at you?

I mean, really. I do understand the necessity to look good. But please rethink your strategy on making this happen.

Sincerely,

The chick in the Hyundai Santa Fe who just wants to get to work





Dear Smart Ones Lasagna Florentine,

It’s over.

I tried, I really did. I wanted to like you…lo, I wanted to love you.

Alas. I am just not that into you.

We had some good times. We did.

We had some bad times. Like that time you found me cheating with your Mexican cousin, Smart Ones Santa Fe Rice and Beans.

I’m not sorry. I’m just not.

I’m just not that into you.

Sincerely,

That fat chick





Dear potentially mentally challenged co-worker,

While I understand there is a possibility that you might be mentally challenged, based solely upon the way you act on a day-to-day basis, I am inclined to believe that really you are in-fact, just a huge jerk-off.

Why else would you ask a woman who just adopted an Asian baby how she felt about "buying a kid?" Why else would you ask me, a woman of considerable stature, who could clearly knock you so far down you would have to unzip your pants to brush your teeth, why I have such ugly toes?

In fact, you are such a huge jerk that I would really like to sit down with your momma and say, “What about your jerk-off son not turning out? What about that?” just to see the look on your momma’s face. Because surely she is ashamed of your asshattery.

Please rethink your position of being a huge tool. For your momma’s sake, if not mine.

Sincerely,

Your fed-up coworker





Dear Spellchecker on my computer,

Really, I love you babe, but some of the words that you suggest for me are just ludicrous.

For example, every time I type Stu and you suggest “Stud?” that really makes me laugh. Because, clearly, you have not met the person I am sending it to.

Also, please stop telling me I’m misspelling my own last name. You aren’t Barbara the Badge lady in disguise are you?

Additionally? Words like “asshattery” are real words in my world. Stop trying to get me to use words like, “shatter”. They aren’t nearly as fun.

Have a nice day!

Love,
Chick





Dear Internet population,

If you found my blog searching for the following phrases:

Lactating stripper
Inner thigh tattoo
Fat aunt love
I love my fat aunt
Aunt sex fat


Really, please, just look for something else.

I mean, I love comments and new readers as much as the next person, but for the love of God…really. Ewww. Just EWWWWWWWW.

Thanks for looking though! See ya never!
-That Chick

PS: On a related note, if found me by searching for Arnold and Willis? Please come back and comment. I think you and I could be BFF.

PSS: To the person who found my blog for searching by “God’s love”? I’m really sorry. I probably wasn’t what you had in mind at all.





Dear Crackhead that lives on my street,

Really, I make a sincere effort not to judge other people’s parenting skills, or lack thereof.

However, when your small son threw a football at my car (and yes, don’t even start, he threw it on purpose. He waited until I was right in front of him and he purposely threw it at my car) and I stopped the car and instead of, for example, knocking the complete crap out of the little snot-blossom, I politely said, “Please be more careful and do not hit my car with your football,” and then you flipped me a bird, RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILD? You completely convinced me of what a moronic, idiotic waste of flesh you are.

For the love of Baby Jesus, please use birth control from now on, if, and that is a very big if, you can find a drunken fat girl with an inferiority complex to ever sleep with you again.

Also? Bite me Douchey McDouchenozzle.

-Your neighbor who is sick of you and your demon spawn

24 comments:

Kellie said...

You KILL me....Asshattery?? Douchey McDouchenozzle?

Nothing like a good laugh first thing in the morning to make you feel a bit better :)

Em said...

I love your letters! I especially enjoy the first one to the lady on the interstate. And I guess I have to have a bit of sympathy for poor Stu if thinking of him and "stud" at the same time just makes you laugh. LOL

frannie said...

Can I get an Amen????


AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Julie said...

Buying a kid? Sounds like your co-worker has a serious case of social retardation! And your neighbor - nice. Great parenting.

Stephanie said...

Yeah. Don't ya just love neighbors? BTW - How do you find out what googls searches lead to your blog? I'd love to find that out.

Farah said...

You might be one of the funniest people I have ever...um,(pause)read?

Britmum said...

O.k. Chick I love you so much. I need you to write a few letters for me. lol

Take care sweets xx

Bethany said...

I love you so much I am breaking the brand new no blog at work rule!

I am so going to get my ass in trouble.

Emma in Canada said...

Chick, you just made my day.

Now I need to go change my pants.

Jocelyn said...

You know how you really like to be funny and make people laugh?

I'd say you're having a reallllly good day.

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

Oh boy.

Feel bitter?

(no, that's not a typo)

It appears, once again, that some people's sole purpose in life is to merely serve as a warning to others.

Bless you Chick.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

OMG. OMG! He did NOT tell her that she "bought" a kid?!?! OMG!!!!!!!!

I'm sitting here with my jaw hanging open.

Heathie said...

*sigh* So, so funny. My little boy is laughing with me, too (but I don't think he knows why we're laughing; he's not quite old enough to understand why asshattery is a funny word. As well as useful).

Margarita said...

"Douchey McDouchenozzle?"
By FAR my favorite.

"that time you found me cheating with your Mexican cousin, Smart Ones Santa Fe Rice and Beans."
We are clearly meant to be BFF. Santa Fe Rice and Beans any day over that Lasagna mess that never gets fully cooked on the inside while the outside turns into a crunchy mess.

So...how bout BlogHer? yes? no? tired of me asking? :O)
I NEED you there with me. NEEEED YOU THERE!

Ryan said...

Great letters~! I really have to try this some time...but knowing my luck one of my blog viewers may think I am talking abou them lol

Shanilie said...

Oops, That last message was from me "Shanilie :A Mom's Love" I didn't realize that my hubby was still signed in. He had a blog but doesn't have time to post even though I know he would love to. So, I just use his account to make new blogs ;)

Rachel said...

I am sitting here, at work, with our company compliance officer sitting 2 feet behind me meeting with a co-worker and I am trying, and failing miserably, not to laugh my stupid fool head off at these letters. Asshattery!!!!!!! LOVE it!

If I get fired, please help me find a new job.

Kimberly said...

Ugly toes?? What th'frack?

When I was in grade 8 a boy made fun of my shoes. I was mortified. Wish I'd had the gumption to give him an amused look and say, "I didn't know you had a foot fetish" or something like that.

my4kids said...

Oh boy you definetly get some good ones!
That jerk you work with ? Yeah I'd like to deck him for you and your coworker!

Also have to say you need to move, honey, your neighbors are insane! OMG!

Adventures in Baby Fat said...

[lovefest]

1. I heart Chick. I heart Chick so much that I am talking about in your face and in your space love. Uncomfortable hugs, hand holding, inappropriate gestures, uncomfortable silences and silent looks sent to others pleading for escape. In a totally non-creepy way of course.

2. I love letters. I love your letters. I hate asshats that comment on toes. What's it their business? Don't look down.

3. Thanks for the comment yesterday. Another reason I heart you. :)

4. I REALLY love the new header. I am green with envy. Oh, how I love it and love it and love it.

[/lovefest]

SJ said...

Seriously, your book? I think you should write a book of nothing but 'open letters'. They are fantasitc and always guarnatee a nice good laugh out of me!

Or maybe even Diet Dr. Pepper coming out of my nose.....I should have known better!

Ellie said...

Chick, I need to learn your language! Where do you come up with those words of yours????? I try to imagine what is like to sit around your dining room table and what your conversations are like! You are one hilarious lady. Oh, and I also wrote a "letter" on my blog today. It felt really good to do so and I may just make a staple on my blog from now on.

Have a peachy weekend,

Ellie

susan said...

I love that you used the word asshattery twice in one blog. I'm adding that one to my "chick" dictionary.

EE said...

You make me laugh!!!! Keep those letters comin'!!!