Dear Lady in the gray Nissan Maxima on Interstate 40 today,
I was so pleased when I saw that large bumper sticker on your car that said: "Honk if you Love Jesus!" Because, you know, I do love Jesus and all.
But honey? When I was honking at you, it wasn’t because I love Jesus. It was because you were going 20 miles below the speed limit and applying make-up at 7:38am. You know, morning? The time that a lot of people are on Interstate 40 because they are trying to go to work, not because it's just a really fun exciting place to park your car and have people make obscene gestures at you?
I mean, really. I do understand the necessity to look good. But please rethink your strategy on making this happen.
The chick in the Hyundai Santa Fe who just wants to get to work
Dear Smart Ones Lasagna Florentine,
I tried, I really did. I wanted to like you…lo, I wanted to love you.
Alas. I am just not that into you.
We had some good times. We did.
We had some bad times. Like that time you found me cheating with your Mexican cousin, Smart Ones Santa Fe Rice and Beans.
I’m not sorry. I’m just not.
I’m just not that into you.
That fat chick
Dear potentially mentally challenged co-worker,
While I understand there is a possibility that you might be mentally challenged, based solely upon the way you act on a day-to-day basis, I am inclined to believe that really you are in-fact, just a huge jerk-off.
Why else would you ask a woman who just adopted an Asian baby how she felt about "buying a kid?" Why else would you ask me, a woman of considerable stature, who could clearly knock you so far down you would have to unzip your pants to brush your teeth, why I have such ugly toes?
In fact, you are such a huge jerk that I would really like to sit down with your momma and say, “What about your jerk-off son not turning out? What about that?” just to see the look on your momma’s face. Because surely she is ashamed of your asshattery.
Please rethink your position of being a huge tool. For your momma’s sake, if not mine.
Your fed-up coworker
Dear Spellchecker on my computer,
Really, I love you babe, but some of the words that you suggest for me are just ludicrous.
For example, every time I type Stu and you suggest “Stud?” that really makes me laugh. Because, clearly, you have not met the person I am sending it to.
Also, please stop telling me I’m misspelling my own last name. You aren’t Barbara the Badge lady in disguise are you?
Additionally? Words like “asshattery” are real words in my world. Stop trying to get me to use words like, “shatter”. They aren’t nearly as fun.
Have a nice day!
Dear Internet population,
If you found my blog searching for the following phrases:
Inner thigh tattoo
Fat aunt love
I love my fat aunt
Aunt sex fat
Really, please, just look for something else.
I mean, I love comments and new readers as much as the next person, but for the love of God…really. Ewww. Just EWWWWWWWW.
Thanks for looking though! See ya never!
PS: On a related note, if found me by searching for Arnold and Willis? Please come back and comment. I think you and I could be BFF.
PSS: To the person who found my blog for searching by “God’s love”? I’m really sorry. I probably wasn’t what you had in mind at all.
Dear Crackhead that lives on my street,
Really, I make a sincere effort not to judge other people’s parenting skills, or lack thereof.
However, when your small son threw a football at my car (and yes, don’t even start, he threw it on purpose. He waited until I was right in front of him and he purposely threw it at my car) and I stopped the car and instead of, for example, knocking the complete crap out of the little snot-blossom, I politely said, “Please be more careful and do not hit my car with your football,” and then you flipped me a bird, RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILD? You completely convinced me of what a moronic, idiotic waste of flesh you are.
For the love of Baby Jesus, please use birth control from now on, if, and that is a very big if, you can find a drunken fat girl with an inferiority complex to ever sleep with you again.
Also? Bite me Douchey McDouchenozzle.
-Your neighbor who is sick of you and your demon spawn