I get a lot of emails. Most of them are quite nice.
Some of them are like nails on a chalkboard because apparently if you have a blog? People feel like they can ask you some really rude insane crap.
If I could write my own script for my life? I would receive the following emails:
Dear That Chick:
I am the President of a world famous book publisher. While viewing the internet recently I came across your blog. You made me laugh until Diet Pepsi came out of my nose. I would like to offer you a big old fat book deal. Of course, you will be expecting an advance. How does $100,000 sound?
I hope to hear from you soon!
Really Important Publishing Individual
Dear Chick, my faithful employee:
You know, I was thinking. The other day when you indicated to me, "Those people just didn't turn out!" and I kind of blew you off callously? Well, I was wrong. The co-worker which you were referring to, in fact, did not turn out.
I applaud you on your ability to judge people based on their character. I want you to know that the Didn't turn out man's employment has been terminated, effective immediately.
Sorry about that!
-Your project manager
Dear That Chick,
We, the producers of NBC'S "The Biggest Loser" would totally like to offer you a spot on our show. Because we want you to get really, really skinny in only about three months.
Also? We'll pay for all your plastic surgery once you are done and set you up with a really sweet gig so you can be a motivational speaker. Your life is suddenly going to totally rock.
Dear That Chick,
Since you have a huge-ass major crush on me, I totally think you should be my secretary on Law and Order. This gig is pretty sweeeeeeet!
Senator Fred Dalton Thompson
Dear Lovely Chick,
My brother Robin and I are so pleased that you continue to love us, even though, per your son, I sing like a girl. We would like to come and live with you and sing you to sleep every night.
Oh sod it. We'll just all live together in a big castle in England. Sound good, love?
Write back soon!
I know you've been waiting for years for this:
"Whatchoo talking about Willis?"
PS: Do you know of any job openings that don't involve reality t.v. shows?
Wouldn't that be cool?