Thursday, May 17, 2007

Secrets I can't keep.

My good friend BadgerGirl over at Pardon the Egg Salad tagged me for this meme. She rocks!

Here are the rules: Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves. Write a post about your own random things. Post these rules. At the end of your blog, tag 8 people and post their names. Don't forget to leave them a comment and tell them they're tagged.

1. I wonder all the time if I should hang it up at my job. I really want to be good at what I do. I really want to be as smart as the people I work with. But the vast majority of the time, I feel like a total fraud. I think I am smart in ways that they perhaps aren’t. Like, I’m pretty smart about people. Sometimes. But I’m not smart about things like nuclear reactors. Ever. I know it’s not my good looks that are getting me anywhere here so I’m left to wonder why they actually let me continue to work here.

2. My husband doesn’t really think I’m as funny as I think I am. This disturbs me greatly.

I don’t think he thinks I’m unfunny or anything. It’s just, sometimes I say something that is really freakin’ hilarious and he just looks at me and smiles. It’s wasn’t smile funny! It was laugh out loud clutch your stomach funny! I don’t mean to be a hair-splitter, but really. I say to him all the time, “You just don’t even deserve my hilarity!” to which he responds, “But I SMILED!”

Sigh.

3. I really want to love coffee but I don’t. I like the way it smells but I can’t stand the way it tastes. Thus, I am the only person in America who has never been to Starbucks.

4. While I appear to be extremely organized, organization is something I have to completely fight with myself about every single day. My true nature is to be a completely unorganized lazy slob. When I had my twins and you know, no husband around to help or anything, I quickly determined that being an unorganized lazy slob would not fly with my new lifestyle.

Around that time, I moved to North Carolina and I took a low-level, low-paying job (because it’s the only job I was qualified for, at the time, and certainly the only job I could get, because believe me, I tried). I decided that I would look up to the people above me and see what they did and I would try to copy it, and that, my friends is when my obsession for all things Franklin Covey was born. I purchased a green, classic size day planner. With a zipper! And every morning, to this day, the first fifteen minutes of my day are planned out in my day planner.

Except the one I have now? It’s a really pretty burgundy leather. With a snap!

And now? Most people I work with don’t have a planner. My boss calls my planner, “Your little calendar book” as in, “Mark this down in your little calendar book, Chickie.”

Also? I think that’s hilarious because I’m her employee and I constantly say things to her like, “Boss, did you forget to call the Red Cross again? Because these operators can’t train themselves on CPR!” and she says some curse word and then picks up the phone and then gets distracted by something shiny on Gymboree.com and STILL forgets to call.

It’s actually really funny.

Anyway, my point is that I’m not naturally organized. Clearly my thoughts are not naturally organized either, as I am prone to tangents such as the one I just went off into.

5. I used to have an eating disorder. For many years I was bulimic. The first time I made myself throw up, I was nine years old.

My daughter is nine years old and it scares the complete crap out of me that she will have a negative self-image like I did.


6. I often feel like no one on this planet understands how I feel, especially about the topics of my ex-husband leaving me while I was pregnant and my inability to get pregnant now. I feel like I have this huge hole in my heart and it will never, ever go away. I don’t think about it all the time, and I try not to dwell on it but it just aches. Sometimes, it really, really aches. I’ve tried talking to a few people about it, even a therapist, and the general response was, “Well, you should be grateful for the children you have.”

Well, DUH.

I mean, I am. Obviously, I think they are the absolute shiznit, which is why I want to have another one of them. If I thought they sucked butt I surely wouldn’t be interested in signing up for that again.

I am profoundly grateful for those short individuals who live with me. Ridiculously so.

I just wish I could talk to someone who would say, “I totally understand how it feels to be left behind and scared and alone. I know what you are feeling and I know how painful it is and I’m so sorry. I know how it feels to think you’re going to be able to fix it and never be able to fix it. I wish I could help you fix it.”

Not that I would wish that pain on anyone. But still.

7. In the place I used to live, I was discriminated against because I was white.

I know that sounds insane, and some people get upset when I talk about this, but I was.

8. I have only intimidated one person in my entire life and I actually kind of liked it.

I’m probably the least intimidating person on this planet. I like pretty much everyone or can at least find some redeeming quality in them and I have the tendency to do things like shout, “SPIRIT FINGERS!! WOO!” at the end of really good meetings.

But this one time? Jason had a friend who invited us to go to his church with him and we went and it was the darndest thing. It was held in a big warehouse and everyone was wearing shorts and they had a live band and the band was really, really loud and the lesson plan was, “I’m too sexy!” and they played that song, you know, by Right Said Fred?

It was crazy good fun.

But Jason and I didn’t really know it was going to be like that, so we were dressed in what we consider “church clothes”. Chinos and a polo for Jason and a skirt and blouse for me. You know, just normal stuff.

So the friend’s wife? She was wearing shorts that were not flattering and her hair, while very nice, wasn’t nearly as pretty as mine and she looked at me and sort of ducked her head and acted like I was the freaking Queen of England.

It. Was. Awesome.

AWESOME!

I’m such a tool for thinking that way, I’m certain, but I loved it! I never had any desire to intimidate anyone, but that one time? I felt pretty cool.


Tagging:

I’m not doing it.

Sorry, I’m not tagging anyone. Every time I do someone ends up with hurt feelings and that is the last thing I want. So, I’ll just say anyone who reads this and wants to do the meme, please have at it. And leave me a comment to let me know so I can read yours, okay?

15 comments:

Emily said...

That was nice and juicy! I worked in the school system....I have definitely felt the "reverse discrimination" myself. The thing is, I was afraid to ever say anything cause I would be accused of being racist, which I most definitely am NOT.

And...I, too, am not naturally organized. Or even unnaturally organized. I would give anything to be one of "those" people. I just don't have it in me.

EE said...

OMG...you must have attended my church...teehee!!!!
My husband doesn't think I'm nearly as funny as I think I am, either. There are lots of eye rolls & "kids, your mom is a freak" at my house...said in a loving way of course:0

Brown Eyed Girl said...

I knew most of those..and I gotta say.

STILL LOVE YA TONS BABY!

Just about a month before I'll be there!!! WOOT!

Wendy said...

That was a GREAT list:) I have never been in a Starbucks either! My hubby got me a tea once, but I didn't go in the store!!

CPA Mom said...

Can I tell you, the last neighborhood I lived in, we were the only white people and the day we moved in, the little girl next door came and talked to us, and her mom spanked her for talking to a white person. Really.

Kellie said...

Talk about some serious dirt in a post!! As always, I learned something new about you.

PS: I'd treat you like the Queen, too...you ROCK :)

PSS: Jason doesn't have to think your clutch-your-stomach-roll-on-the-floor-pee-your-britches-funny 'cause we all do :)

Angie said...

Yeah, don't worry if he doesn't laugh as much as us. I tend to think I'm a lot funnier than Mark (hub-ster) thinks I am too.

In fact, when I make him laugh, I kinda pee my pants a little. LOL

Also. . . .the whole black/white story. . . preach it, sister. Makes me sad, really.

And finally. . . .your not "tagging" people. We really *are* cut from the same cloth!

Kimberly said...

I just feel a strong urge to say...

1) Amen to all that.

and

2) I love you, chick. I just love you to itty-bitty-bits. With sparkles on top.

Catwoman said...

You freaking rock. For all these and so many more!

And to whoever said you can't be bulimic because you're not skinny, I mean SERIOUSLY! Smack down to them.

Bethany said...

I also love the smell of coffee but cannot stand the taste. I have never been in a Starbucks either. We don't have one any where near me but even if we did I wouldn't go there.

While I have no idea how it feels to be abandoned like that, I do know secondary infertility. To that I can honestly say- I UNDERSTAND! It blows and is heartbreaking. I put on my happy face and say things like- I'm too old for another, the Big Guy is too old, the house is too small, money, this and that. But really?
Would have loved another.

Vicki said...

Hi, Chick. I linked to your blog from a "friends" list on one of my friends blogs.

You Rock! Even though I'm SO jealous that you are going to Disney World in October and I don't get to go until next May, you still totally rock!

I also love the smell but hate the taste of coffe, and I have never set foot in a Starbucks.

I'm sorry Jason doesn't always find you "laugh out loud funny", but I sure do.

I also have a mother in law from hell, and think that your ex husband, though I never met him, clearly sucks very large and rotten eggs.

frannie said...

so many of those things we have in common- down to being discriminated against for being white- how often does that happen?

are you my cute doppleganger?

seriously- I get freaked out by how parallel our lives have been.

Amira said...

Hey, Chick. I'll be honest and say I didn't read your whole post (sorry), but I did read #6.

As you are well aware, and as you have shared with me a lot of encouragement and prayers and empathy, I've gone through some abandonment crap, too.

So, here's what I want to tell you. When I stepped into the hotel in November of last year, and realized I was "safe", I also knew I was alone and on my own with the kids. I felt SO overwhelmed.

Yes, it is and has been so very hard. Yes, it blows. But your life as it is NOW gives ME hope that there is a future waiting for me that is NOT always hard.

So thanks for being honest in #6. I needed to hear someone else say something like that. My blog's been a downer lately. :)

Love ya, Chickie.

my4kids said...

I can't beleive your hubby doesn't think your funny! You almost always give me my daily laugh!
I love the smell of coffee but do not like the taste either. I am a starbucks addict though but what i drink tastes nothing like coffee with the mocha and peppermint it is more of a very caffenated peppermint chocolate and I love chocolate!
Your boss sounds like me! I am so totally adult ADD. Actually I have been diagnosed and I probably was as a kid as well....Trust me it is not much fun when you can't keep things together like that!
Thanks for opening up to us with this I've seen several of them and people are sure opening up about things! I will think about it for myself.

velocibadgergirl said...

I am SO WITH YOU on the coffee thing, Chick. So with you. It smells like heaven but tastes like ass. What a tragedy.