Friday, May 11, 2007

Open Letters: Happy Mother's Day edition

Dear Co-workers and friends with small babies and toddlers,

I really love you guys and also I love your children.

However? I know this is hard for you to remember, but I’m a mother too.

No, my children are not small and cute and cuddly and adorable. They no longer do things like pee-pee in the potty to get applause and say things like, “mama” and “baba” when they see me or, you know, sheep. But they are still children. They are my children. And I am a mother.

I know it’s not easy to be friends with me when we have very little in common. I know my kids are past the stage of being interesting to you, and that’s okay. Really, it’s okay. I know that everyone is extremely fascinated with little babies and little toddlers and that’s okay too. Hell, *I’m* fascinated with your kids.

But I’m fascinated with my own kids.

Therefore, it really hurts my feelings when you talk about things like Mother’s Day and pretend I’m not even in the room. Yes, I’m excited for you because it’s your first Mother’s Day, or the first one that your kid will remember, or the first one in which your child bought you a present. Honestly, I am.

But it’s Mother’s Day for me too. And really? Everyday of my life is Mother’s Day. Because when you think you can’t have any babies at all, ever, and you get handed two in one fell swoop? Well. It’s pretty sweet.

Also? Inviting all the mother’s to a special lunch and leaving me out and then half-assedly mentioning it once you got back and telling me you “forgot”? Sucks.

Your friend,
The mother of TWINS who raised them BY HERSELF for five years, thank you very freaking much and might actually have something to bring to the table





Dear woman in the burgundy mini-van in the furthest left lane on Interstate 40,

Sweetheart, I feel you.

Honestly. I do.

Because it was pretty darn apparent by the insane faces you were making toward the backseat of your mini-van? That you had a screaming toddler back there. Likely, a screaming toddler who was NOT amused.

I’ve been there.

I have.

Once? I drove over five hundred miles by myself with two infants. BY MYSELF. I had to stop to go to the bathroom and I went to this McDonalds in North Carolina? And a really, really skeevy man asked me if he could hold one of my babies while I went into the bathroom. Seriously. It was crazy.

So I can sympathize with your plight.

However, dear, really? You should consider NOT DRIVING IN THE FAST LANE DURING RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC WHILE TRYING TO TEND TO YOUR BABY. Sorry, I had to yell because it’s possible you might not hear me over your child screaming. It is dangerous, it is rude, and you darn near took out a FedEx truck because, while this may come as a surprise to you, you actually DON’T have eyes in the back of your head. Seriously. You can’t see the road in front of you if you are completely turned around looking at your baby.

Okay?

Move over. Stop. Do something. Just don’t subject everyone else to your child’s tantrum. We understand, we do. We just don’t want to be killed.

Thanks!
That Chick in the Hyundai Santa Fe





Dear Makers of Ouidad products,

Will you marry me and live with me forever and ever?

Because seriously. My hair has never looked better. And it looked pretty darn good before!

Love,

Your loyal customer forever





Dear Vitalicious company,

Your brownies are the new crack.

Love,
An overweight woman who is desperate for her chocolate fix





Dear husband,

Mother’s day is SUNDAY. This Sunday. Not next Sunday. Not some Sunday twelve years from now when my children have their own jobs and cars and can go purchase something for me by themselves. THIS SUNDAY. Like, two days from now.

Also? I showed you a piece of paper that had what I wanted CIRCLED on it. I advised you that the store that carries this particular item is less than one mile from your office. LESS THAN ONE MILE. It’s less than FIFTEEN DOLLARS. We just bought you a new suit that was over $400. Really, I don’t think buying me a fifteen dollar item would tax us financially in any way whatsoever.

Get shopping.

Love!
Your wife





Dear person I work with,

I know this is something you are unaccustomed to, since you work for the government, but when I say I am here to help you, I really mean it. Please stop looking at me like I’m a Nazi spy.

Sincerely,
Your co-worker. I know you can’t remember my name

24 comments:

Emma in Canada said...

Oh fuck. You make me laugh. I almost dropped the baby.

But seriosly? They didn't invite you to lunch? That's awful.

Wanna come to lunch here? It's a bit of a drive and I'm a shitty cook (though my chicken enchiladas are fantastic) but we could have a great old gossip.

Catwoman said...

Come have lunch with me today. Most of the peeps in my department are men, and they regularly forget to invite me to lunch on Fridays because they're a posse and I'm a girl.

I sent my hubby a link to what I wanted on Amazon.com two weeks ago. I saw the money came out of our account on Monday, so we'll see if it makes it here on time...

Stephanette said...

Hey Chick,

First of all, I remember your name - REALLY - and I like kids that are older and can carry on conversations with me. I even promise to make you a Mother's Day Card with all the really cool Scrapbooking Stuff I got for my birthday. Why don't you fly here, so that you don't die during the drive. I will do this because you told me about Ouidad and Vitalicious (two things I had never heard of). You can have Cashew Chicken that I am making for my mom. Have I gotcha covered?

You ROCK!

Brown Eyed Girl said...

The lady in the minivan....oh lordy.

You are the best kind of Mother I know...the one that adores her children...gives them pet names, swears in front of them only to be reminded it's a bad word by one of them....and bakes a cake for Jesus on his birthday.

yerdoingitwrong said...

Oh sweetie. I wish you lived closer. I'd suggest mother's day cockails!!! =P

Dawn~a~Bon said...

ohhh I'm pissed that they didn't invite you. PISSED.

But I love your letters. You crack my sh*t up. Happy Mom's Day!

Kimberly said...

I look forward to your letter posts with an almost frightening intensity. Love 'em.

Isn't it weird how friendships seem to have trouble getting past the oh,-our-kids-are-in-different-age-groups bracket? Silliness. It can be transcended...just takes, you know, actual effort. Silly women.

Amy W said...

I look forward to these as well.

And you know what? I think you kids are interesting. They are smart, funny, cute and I am sure they can play adult games with me. Something other than go fish would be great.

M said...

Well hell. You just make my ass cry (I think I'm hormonal today) but seriously? Your coworkers make me wanna cut them. And I will!

Because honest to cod you're mom and a half.

And I'm HUGELY interested in your kids and really wish you'd AW them more because they're a hell of a lot more interesting than the silly crap my kids do. Yours use SARCASM and you KNOW I love me some sarcasm.

And I love me some you. xoxoxo

p.s. please tell jason i will so cut him if he doesn't get to the fucking store already and just make the freaking effort.

velocibadgergirl said...

Dear friends & coworkers of Chick's who don't honor her with Mother's Day glee and an invitation to lunch:

I'm giving you the middle finger RIGHT NOW. Can you see it? Good. Shape up, you jerks.

Love,
velocibadgergirl

Kellie said...

As always, your letters crack me up. As for the rude chicks you work with and the lunch? They can bite you. They didn't invite you because you're TWICE the mom they will EVER be and they didn't want to come as more of a tool than they currently are.

Happy Mother's Day, Chick....

Bethany said...

Will you be my mom?

Bethany said...

PS. Jason, get her two!

dennis said...

dude, spend at least $15 on the lovely lady. Perhaps some brownies...?

BS said...

Love your letters! Can you send one to my 2 "adult" sons who always seem to forget me on Mother's Day? (they never forget their wife(s)though ??)

Happy Mother's Day - you're one of the best around.

CPA Mom said...

You know the fiber in Vitalicious products will NOT help your 'gas issues' right? That said, I heart their muffin tops.

I can't fucking believe you didn't get invited to the Mother's Day lunch. You are SO invited to one with me. When I have one. Soon, I promise. At least in my imagination since you live, like HOURS from me.


And Jason, GO GET HER THE $15 ITEM ALREADY AND ALSO, SOMETHING ELSE MORE EXPENSIVE OR SOME CRAZY INTERNET BITCHES MAY TRACK YOU DOWN FOR NOT APPRECIATELY THE BEST DAMN WOMAN ON THE PLANET. maybe then I'll stop shouting.

Thank you, and good night.

p.s. Dear That Chick:
You crack my shit up. Sincerely, your biggest fan

JustRandi said...

Hey Chick! I love your blog! You are amazing, and I am your newest biggest fan. Tell me more about your hair! I wanna hear how you control it. Mine is curly and usually looks like frizz at the end of the day!

stepmomof2 said...

Hillarious, I always love your open letters! That totally sucks about the Mother's Day lunch...how rude! That is just too funny about the woman in the mini-van; what was she thinking? Anyways, sorry to ramble on and on. I hope Jason gets you what you wanted. Enjoy your Mother's Day with your beautiful children and know that you are loved.

alissa said...

You could publish a whole book of open letters. I'd buy it... You are freakin' hysterical!

Ellie said...

Chick,

Happy Mother's Day. You are a great mom and the love you have for your children comes out in each post.

I can relate to the office thing and not being invited. In my instance it isn't because of not having a toddler, but because I opt to be nice to EVERYONE in my department and so that means that the "uppity up" clique sees me as being weird and so they don't invite me when they are going out to eat. It just sucks. I would so have lunch with you if we worked at the same place!

Cody & Kimberlie & Madison said...

Too funny! I would love to be as funny as you are. Thanks for making me laugh.I enjoy reading your other blog, I have a lot in common with you.
Happy Mother's Day!

SJ said...

Happy Mothers Day to one of the best Mothers on the precious planet earth!

And good lord, write that book of Open Letters already!

Rachel said...

I heart your open letters!!!!! Seriously, I'm starting to think that you have to be either a first time mom or a grandmother or Mother's Day doesn't apply! Hello!!! I have given birth to two kids! Two! Doesn't that qualify/

Happy Mother's Day!

EE said...

I love, love, love your letters!!!