Okay, seriously, today I was going to write about some of the really funny emails I've gotten recently, but for some random reason I decided to open my two-hundred year old AOL account (which I never use or look at) and I had an email from someone I went out with about, seriously, swear to God, eight years ago. Which made me laugh out loud, hysterically, and which I will now post for your enjoyment (making only minor modifications of my name and his and other small details...all the spelling errors and ridiculous punctuation are his).
Dear That Chick,
Hi. Remember me? We went to That Really Cheap Crappy Restaurant one time in Hell, NC.
I have been do some serious thinking about my life and I have made lost of mistakes! I am divorced now and I was wondering if you are still avaliable? I realize what a ass I was and now I don't really mind if you have kids. I'm sorry. You have really pretty eyes. You always made me laugh with your website. I fell like you were the one who got away.
Email me back. If you are interested!
That stupid tool who had a serious girlfriend and took me out anyway
Reasons this letter is hilarious:
- Seriously. We went on ONE DATE. We certainly didn't discuss the fact that I had kids.
- Did I mention he had a SERIOUS GIRLFRIEND and asked me out anyway? So serious that they got married within six months after he took me out, and it was a really big fancy wedding at the Country Club, so it's not like they pulled it off in six weeks.
- Does anyone else get the feeling that he's lonely/horny and went through his old emails and emailed every single girl he ever went out with this exact same message?
- I do have pretty eyes. Not that he would know, because he was looking at my clevage the whole time.
- I AM the one who got away. Sadly, I ran away screaming. But I still got away!
Do you want to know what I wrote?
Dear Tool who isn't even worth my time,
I'm totally blogging about you.