Saturday, June 16, 2007

Frankie Valli can suck it.

So the other day I went to Walgreens to get some Fiber One bars. I really like the chocolate ones and they are only 2 points on Weight Watchers and they don't stock them at my Kroger. And the Walgreens which is close to my house? They always act like they have them, but they don't. They only have the peanut butter ones. Which are good, but not AS good. So I had to go the Walgreens in the city I work in and not the one I live in.

So I can't find them, and I say to the bored, surly looking teenager who is "working" there, "Excuse me? Can you help me find-"

and before I even finish my sentence, he says, "You want Alli, right? We're all sold out. Sorry."

Have you heard of this product? Apparently it's very similar to Orlistat. The website that I found regarding it says that the potential side effects are:
  • gas with oily spotting
  • loose stools
  • more frequent stools that may be hard to control
Doesn't that sound exceedingly attractive? I mean, I know that I would just give anything to have anal leakage. I have so much going for me as it is and I feel that would just add the extra layer of excitement that I need to be #1.

So I got pissed, which I seem to be doing a lot of lately and said, "Thanks so much for not helping me at all! I'll find what I need myself."

And I stalked off. Like he cared or something.

I mentioned in my other blog recently, I’m pissed about my weight loss struggle, and hell, my life in general these days.

Because, I? Am fat. And I? Am trying to lose weight. And I? Am going mental.

My body hates me. It freaking hates me. If I’m not having a period, I’m gearing up to have one. I’m bloated. I take a water pill and don’t pee for fourteen hours. I’m constipated. I eat my normal ridiculous amount of daily fiber and swallow four fiber capsules a day. Does anything happen, other than me getting really ticked off and irritated and cranky and wanting to scream? No.

But I persevere! I continue on my stupid quest for weight loss and good health. I say “no” to chocolate covered marshmallows. I say “no” to cakes and cookies and all manner of deliciousness. I say “yes indeed” to a crap ton of broccoli and things with skim milk and various soy products and so much water I could personally stop the drought with my stream of injustice.

I stay true to Weight Watchers. I follow my eight healthy guidelines. I use only my allotted Points value each day. I don’t exercise enough, but I do some. I don’t even count the amount of walking I have to do daily at work just to get to my office, but I think it should count for SOMETHING.

I have two solid weeks of being absolutely perfect with my eating. I don’t eat any crap. I drink all my water, and then some. I weigh and measure and record each and every bite that goes in my mouth.

And I get on the scale, expecting good things.

And do you know what the scale said?

I had lost .2 pounds.

Not 2 pounds.


I looked at the scale in horror and disbelief, called it a lying bastard, and then cried.

I was thinking in my head, “If I had known that bastard was going to show me THAT I would have just eaten the cake.”

Because, seriously. How fair is that?

I used to go to this one gym that I really loved and there was a lady there who started going at the same time as me. She and I were close in age, close in weight, close in height. We became treadmill buddies. By the time I had lost 10 pounds, she had lost 20. By the time I had lost 20 pounds, she had lost 50. Fifty pounds.

She ate Taco Bell, EVERY FREAKING DAY. She laughed about it. She would bring it into the gym and eat it before she got on the treadmill.

Taco Bell people! TACO FREAKING BELL.

Maybe all the beans in that Mexican food had a laxative effect. I don’t know. What I do know is it made me really freaking irritated that I worked so hard and didn’t lose fifty pounds.

I know, I know. Everyone is different. Some people are slow losers. I have a hormone imbalance. Maybe I’ll have a great week next week. Twenty-two pounds overall isn’t so bad,

Blahdy freaking blah.

I just want to be healthy. I just want to not be obese. I don’t want to be on the cover of Shape magazine with flat abs. I just want to be…normal. I want to feel okay in shorts. I want to not feel like everyone is looking at me because I have fantastic hair, not because they think my husband has no business being with someone as overweight and unattractive as I am. I want to be able to run. I want to get old. I want to meet my grandkids someday. I want to dance at my son’s wedding and cheer the loudest of anyone at my daughter’s Presidential Swearing-In Ceremony.

I know I can’t live and die by the scale. I know that. I just wish it would cut me a freaking break every now and then.

And I don't need some 18 year old asshat trying to peddle diet drugs at me.


Making my way in PA said...

I hear you. I lost 50 lbs with WW. Long slow painful fat months. It sucks trying to lose weight, but the way that I look at it is that it sucks feeling fat more than losing .2lbs. At least it was down .2 and not up .2

And I would be a little nervous about the major blow you are going have when the dam finally breaks with all of that fiber.

Emma in Canada said...

LOL @ the last part of the above comment.

I'm not okay with being fat, but I was at least a bit better about it before William started losing weight (doing NOTHING at all) and now weighs less than me.

Yeah, that really sucks.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure it's frustrating and I'm sorry I can't wave my magic Target wand and make you be at the place you want to be at.

The asshat can piss up a rope--

Angie said...

Okay. . .too bizarre. I stopped at Walgreens today. The one in my town, though. While I was buying Father's Day cards for Mark and my dad. . .the UPS delivery came it. . .a box of alli.

I'm not a big fan of anything that makes me poop greasy ooze. Yikes.

I'm doing WW without actually going to the meetings. So, I'm (sorta) with you. I need to do more exercising, but can't until after my hernia surgery.

You've been encouraging me, by your blog entries, to drink more water. So after reading today, I am inspired to do more.

Keep going. You're doing great. . . you do have awesome hair, by the way. . . but that's not the point.

Okay, I've gone on and on and on. Keep up the great work--even when it feels like all is lost!!!

Danger said...

I was working out and eating 1,200 calories daily. Not working out as in a brisk walk in the park, but kick-boxing and weight training and running and other forms of torture. It took 3 months to lose 5 lbs. Then my kickboxing class ended and I gained 10 lbs. It wasn't until my doctor gave me the right diagnosis with the right medication (and the discovery that the stairmaster burns zillions of calories without knee pain) that I could lose weight and keep it off. Your great week will come.

Lizarita said...

I saw that Alli stuff and thought "Huh! That's pretty cool." And then I read this online article about a chicky who took it and DEALT with the oily farts for TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT because she was so desperate to lose weight. She had to wear Depends (I'M SO NOT KIDDING) and ruined numerous outfits.
You are SO on the right track with WW. You may not be losing a ton of weight, but you are getting HEALTHY and that is what is most important. (I know that's easy for me to say
because I'm not in your shoes...but I wish you the best of luck!!!)

Angie said...

. . .it just hit me. One of these days, our planets are going to align, and I'm going to see you at A.C. Moore. I'll do my best not to scream out loud, 'kay??

EE said...

I could have used that Alli about a month ago when I was soooo constipated and NOTHING was working. Actually, I think I would have sold my soul to the devil just to be able to poop;)
People can be total asshats... so sorry you had to experience that!

Michelle said...

Great post! Yesterday at work we were talking about the oily farts they are talking about, which struck us as hilarious, do you want to be fat or skinny and wear a depend?! Humm?? Hard one, there!! lol

my4kids said...

okay so I just wrote a really long comment and blogger lost it...ugg I hate when that happens..
Anyway what I tried to say went this way...
Teens who assume because you aren't a beanpole that you must be looking for weight loss drugs are asshats...
I feel for you. I want to lose weight and I'm trying but it goes nowhere. I was actually at a good weight until about 2-3 years ago when my body decided to go all shitty on me and now I can't stop gaining.....I hate that it bothers me though.

alissa said...

They make chocolate-covered marshmellows?!

(Seriously though - have you tried going low/no carb? I cut out all things associated with wheat and lost 40 lbs in 3 months.)

simonsays said...

I just happened on your blog a while back---and I love your writing, and your sense of humor. You always make me laugh, but frequently make me think, too. Hang in there on your diet, it really will perk up and you will start losing...I have been there. It is SO of the hardest things I have ever done, but it will be worth it!

M said...

Um, I really hope you complained about the ass hat person "helping" because I would've gone through the freaking ROOF over that particular assumption. Idiothole.

Additionally I wish I had something helpful to say about your weight loss. I know how hard you try. xoxo

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...


The good stuff.


Blessings, Chick.

dennis said...

I don't know about chocolate covered marshmellows but I am a BIG fan of chocolate covered sunflower seeds!

CPA Mom said...

1. the teenager who assumed you wanted the alli - asshat. You should have farted on him.

2. there is no freaking way I'll use alli. I have enough trouble in that area from my own (disease) to need more trouble there!

3. they actually have to put on the warnings for you to carry extra clothes with you. seriously. are you farting the fat away?

4. I HEAR YOU!! The tiny weight loss when I've had good weeks, bums me out completely.

5. I prefer the PB Fiber one. Next time I see the chocolate ones (at the Mother Ship Target) I get a box and mail to you.

6. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. Harder than labor. Harder than surviving a divorce and widowhood. But I will do it and so will you.

Jocelyn said...

Thank you for summing up my emotional life with this post. I spent a great deal of last weekend moaning with a galpal about how sick I am of thinking about every blubber-loving thing that goes into my mouth and wouldn't it be peachy if, like so much of the world, I could just eat and then be done with it and not have it be a daily soap opera?

I lost 33 pounds last year. Most of 'em are still off. Well, you know, like *most* of 'em. But every damn day remains a fight.

Yet somehow, it's worth it. I hate my body a tiny bit less, which is a tiny bit less hating I'm doing, and that's good.

Stephanie said...

Wow. You know, sometimes I really admire your restraint. First the hoochie on the cell phone and now this? How do you prevent yourself from just beating the crap out of people on a regular basis? I could say something here about how its not what you look like on the outside, but whats on the inside that counts, but I won't. I'm in the same situation and we can both be supermodels on the inside, but that doesn't keep me from having knees that look like honeydew melons. Oh, and BTW, Once that fiber leaves your body and takes all the fat with it, you'll be soooooo much thinner. And Yay for you for the good week!

Emily said...

All I can say is keep it up. 20 pounds is a heck of a lot of weight to lose. You are on the right track, do not give up cause you had a bad weigh in. It all adds up after a while!

SJ said...

I feel you on this girl....I've been struggling for so long I just want to give up already. I look at something delicious and I gain weight.

You are doing awesome though, 20 pounds? That's fantastic.

And that Alli stuff? Back when it was 'Xenical' I tried it. If you ate well, no side effects. However one bad thing in your mouth? Uh yeah, disgusting.

Catwoman said...

I say you grab cell phone intern, take her into Walgreen's, swing her over your head and beat rude teenager with your sluttily dressed body.

I'm sure that'd burn at least 500 calories and help you lose another .2 pounds. And it'd probably be the easiest .2 pounds of your life.

The scale? I just wrote on someone else's blog that she's a compulsive liar. I hate her. And if I ever see your scale in a dark alley, I'll happily break her knees too.

Kimberly said...

One book to recommend. You: On a Diet. Don't just read it. Buy it. Life changing. Seriously.

If things don't get better, I say see a doctor. Could be thyroid, right?

Rachel said...

Um, these chocolate covered marshmallows that you speak of...where could one find them if one wanted to?

22 pounds IS good! You just have to keep trying and keep telling yourself why you doing this and take it one day at at time.

Oh, it might help to slash that little shithead's tires too.