Thursday, June 14, 2007

No Gap dresses, no cigars.

Its summertime and that can only mean one thing for those of us in the government subcontracting world.

The interns have arrived.

Our particular building doesn’t have an intern. It would be, I dunno, illegal or some crap. Well, probably not illegal, but also likely not a good idea based on how much these interns seem to like to talk. Plus we have lots of alarms going off all the time and that might scare them. Or interfere with their cell phone coverage. One or the other.

Parking is at a premium here, and no one has made the interns aware of this. Recently I had a meeting at another one of the buildings and there was absolutely no way I could walk over (I’m fat, it’s 200 degrees outside, it was several miles, and I didn’t want to smell like my ex-husband’s feet by the time I got there. No more explanation should be required.). I drove, expecting to park in the absolutely enormous, three level parking lot, and take a short walk across a lovely courtyard.

There were no parking spaces left. Zero. None.

I drove slowly through the parking complex and noticed that there were at least ten or eleven cars with large University of Where-ever! kind of stickers on them and bumper stickers that said things like “Sex Wax” (I don’t want to know what that’s about) and Mardi Gras beads and Graduation tassels hanging from the rearview mirrors. I wouldn’t have noticed these cars had they not been taking up two parking spaces each. Then I felt really old. I felt even older when I had to park illegally in some place just past BFE and walk about 2 miles. And I probably smelled bad during my meeting because I did notice that no one sat by me.

But I was nice and pleasant about it. Because I believe that children are our future. Or some crap.

I did get irritated when a gaggle of girls who were all approximately eighteen years old and were apparently speaking to someone in outer Mongolia on their cell phones (based solely on how loudly they were speaking) almost plowed into me while I was walking ON THE SIDEWALK across the courtyard. I was originally irritated because they were walking on the grass when there is a lovely sidewalk to walk on. But when they all simultaneously made a left-turn and darn near ran me over, I got pissed.

I got further pissed because they were all wearing shortie shorts and tank tops and those really high wedge heels and approximately eighty-six necklaces. Because that doesn’t seem like proper attire. I mean, I know that I wear a t-shirt to work nearly every day of my life (not one with WORDS on it or anything, just a plain colored t-shirt. With a v-neck. Or a scoop neck. Or a U-neck, except good LORD I cannot figure out how anyone can wear a bra with that shirt and my bra just sticks out all the freaking time), and usually I wear jeans or khakis or, lately Capri pants and always my crocs. But no one can ever, ever see my butt cheeks. Now once, lately, my pants did slip down a bit because they’ve gotten a little big on me and my co-worker who told me she was going to show me her whale tail said, “I can see the DUCKS on your underwear!” and I was all like, “Yeah. You like it.” And then we laughed really hard. But I don’t think that’s the same thing at all.

But anyway. I figured I was jealous of all the Hottie McHotsters and left it at that. Yes, they look mighty fine in those shorts that their buttcheeks are hanging out of. I, likely, would not. Nor will I be trying that look in the conceivable future, but that’s not the point.

I didn’t get really mad until the other day when I was trying to leave. You don’t mess with my leaving.

I was driving into the roundabout. Now, I don’t have any clue why they put a roundabout into the middle of a parking lot that is driven daily by a bunch of hillbillies like me, but I won’t get into all of that or the confusion factor of it. Basically the roundabout goes, well, AROUND, obviously and there are commuter paths which lead you up to the big parking lot. So you slow way down when going in, and if people are crossing the paths, then you stop and wait on them.

Fine.

I’m driving into it, and I see a girl approaching. So I slow way, way down (I’m only going fifteen as it is) so I can stop. She walks into the middle of the footpath.

And she stops.

She starts digging in her purse. Cars start lining up behind me.

I wait.

She continues digging in her purse. Someone behind me honks, as fifteen cars back up, completely blocking the roundabout. She looks up at me and holds one finger up, like, “Wait a minute.” I’m not even the one who honked.

She roots around in her purse for probably less than a minute, but it seemed like an hour. I’m thinking, “I understand she has to look for her keys, but good LORD, could she not get out of the path of oncoming traffic to do so?”

Finally, she yanks out her prize. Which is not her keys, because that would have made sense.

It was her cell phone.

She answers and as she finally walks and I step on the gas to move past her I hear her say through my open window, “God people here are SO RUDE!”

Hey Kettle? This is Pot. You’re black.

19 comments:

Thea said...

LMAO! This is a great post. Seriously, cross the damn road, especially after someone honks!!

And sorry about your bra issues...

Angie said...

Hee hee. . .Reminds me of the scene from Fried Green Tomatoes where Kathy Bates knocks the crap out of some little hottie's car, and says:

"Face it girls, I'm older and I have better insurance!"

. . .yes, you have my permission!

Jocelyn said...

But you get to rack up all those miles on your other blog, right? I mean, high five on that one!

Have you seen those charms you can put into the holes in your Crocs? Too cute. Hit the mall, where it's air conditioned, and the Croc stand by the food court sells them. You know the Croc stand by the food court, right?

Aren't all malls the same?

Emma in Canada said...

Imagine all the google searches you will now get for sex wax.

All those girls are twats. Twats. There's a word I've not heard in forever. Obviously, there's a reason I've not heard it in forever.

Anyhoo, hope you like the package. Glad it finally arrived because it took long enough. Bloody Canada Post bastards.

frannie said...

the kettle should have ran over the pot and turned it into a pan.

mAsOn & tErrI's mOm said...

I didn't think it could get any funnier...I'm in NC and visualizing every detail.

I might still be early twenties but there is no way in HELL your gonna catch me wearing those(Jessica Simpson)short shorts with some heels.

Picture that Terri rubbing some frozen banana (a delicious and nutritious snack~great 4 teething)on my neck and trying to get Mason out of the fountain (they're usually uptown in the middle of all those offices.)while keeping up with the "newest trends!"

I'm right there with you with the plain T and some basic pants....ohh but it's flip flops for me so I can take it off and chuck it at my 4YO instead of chasing him down.

Ohh and BTW (I'm a "Good Christian"). . .but throwing your hands up and using the W.T.Hell face works great...along with "easing" forward. That broad woulda moved 4 me!

wait one more thing...when it's hot and humid out you don't have to be fat to have boob sweat!LOL

Amira said...

Preach it, Sister.

When did we get so old? Oh, yeah. WHEN 18-YEAR-OLD'S ACT LIKE 4-YEAR-OLD'S ("The world revolves around ME.")!

Pray our kids turn out better, right?

Kimberly said...

I echo Amira's last sentiment whole heartedly.

So, frickin', scary.

my4kids said...

Sex Wax is something they put on surf boards, body boards and ski boards to give you traction....I only know this because I was originally a Cali girl and yes I knew how to surf....You don't want to know how I used to talk....cause like its really annoying ya know....

It's kind of depressing noticing how young teens and early twenty somethings are looking lately...I feel old...

Twisted Cinderella said...

I can't understand people like that who seem to think that everyone else has to wait in line behind their needs, wants, desires, or other useless crap that fills up their minds.

Kellie said...

HaHaFricketyHA!! You're funny. Next time someone's digging in their purse, their briefcase or their butt crack, wait for approximately 3.5 seconds before plowing them over. Inconsiderate punks!

Dawn~a~Bon said...

OMG wow. Yeah, knowing where you work, I cannot BELIEVE that those stupid twits would think that Daisy Dukes are the appropriate attire! Good freaking LORD. It's a serious place and they should take their internships seriously! I never inappropriate bits of my anatomy hanging out my clothes at either one of my interships. I guess they have . . . . drumroll. . . . NO HOME TRAINING.

heehee

Have a good weekend!

Emily said...

Too funny. They put a roundabout in our town a few years ago and people were absolutely baffled. There were like 3 wrecks the first week. Oh, and sex wax is to put on your surfboard so you don't slip. Not that I'm a surfer, I've just seen it in shops near the beach.

Stephanie said...

Hmm.... perhaps you should have honked. As you slowly roll forward until your grill is touching her. Think she'd get the picture then?

Debbie said...

LOL Too funny. I wear t-shirts mainly, too, but not those teeny tiny tight numbers they like to sell and I see so many teeny tiny girls wear. I don't need to show off my nipples, thank-you.

Catwoman said...

I personally wear a speedo to work.

I never thought anything of it before now.

Also, I bring moldy stinky cheese and leave it in the work fridge for weeks.

My coworkers totally heart me, don't let the nasty things they write on the bathroom wall about me make you think otherwise.

Your interns? I would call that the Paris Hilton influence.

SJ said...

I would have slowly crept foward in the round-a-bout and tapped that girl with my bumper if she would have done that to me....oh wait. My husband would have done that. I think I would have just honked my horn like a mad woman so that she would have just MOVED out of the way to dig for her precious cell phone. HOW RUDE.

And I agree, what's up with the way these young girls are dressing these days, to work no less. It's embarrassing.

yerdoingitwrong said...

What an idiot. I went to a movie tonight and and a girl exactly like you're describing wearing an exact outfit thought we'd all enjoy hear her stupid cell phone conversation during the movie. ugh.

Rachel said...

I would probably have stuck a finger up right back at her, except mine wouldn't have been saying "wait a minute".