Friday, July 20, 2007

That's kind of how it works, son.

Somehow, and I honest to God have no idea how, I had a conversation with my children recently about sex.

Yeah. With two nine years old children.

The conversation included me shrieking things to my daughter such as:

"Boys will lie to you! Don't believe them! They will tell you whatever they can to get you to do stuff with them! Boys are not looking out for your best interest!"

I probably also said some other stuff. I can't really recall.

Now, keep in mind that both children think that sex means kissing with tongues. I'm not that horrible of a mother. Maybe.

Anyway, while I am ranting both children are listening with somber expressions and then the Boy Child says:

"So! Mom. How many people are you supposed to have sex with?"

No. He really asked that.

It was a pivotal moment in my life. Seriously.

I always swore I'd never lie to my kids. But that? Good God. Not a topic for anyone, much less my child. My own husband knows none of the details. We agreed when we got together: it's enough to know you've been around the block a time or two, just spare me the exact addresses.

So I said, carefully, "Well. Ideally, just one. The one you marry."

Then I quickly added, "Of course, that's in a perfect world. You know? Things don't always work out that way. After all, mommy's been married two times."

Silence.

Then Boy Child, looking alarmed asked, "What do you mean you've been married two times?!!?"

I was surprised. He doesn't know his sperm donor, but he knows of his existence. I wondered to myself if he had forgotten. It's been so many years.

So I said, "You know. I'm married to Daddy. And I used to be married to your biological father."

Boy Child stared at me and said in absolute horror and disgust:

"You didn't have sex with our biological father, did you?!?!?!"





My life is awesome.

32 comments:

Angie said...

Will you have the talk with *my* boy child when it's time???

Jhianna said...

That's priceless. Of course this is coming from someone who doesn't have kids and cringes at the mere thought of having that conversation. But *LOL*

Catwoman said...

So, did you????? Did you have sex with him????

Wh-what? There's no stork that appears with babies?

On another note, please put a funny warning before your posts, because I always forget how hysterical you are (yeah, I ain't too bright) and I just spit half of my Slim Fast on my computer screen. And I'm so hungry, I'm actually debating whether I should lick it off or not.

Kimberly said...

I know you already know this...but, wow. Boy child is brilliant.

Stephanette said...

So I'm just thinking that Jason must be an awesome Dad and Boy child must be an awesome kid to have completely wiped the thought of it all.

That and I AM so TOTALLY naive.

Sarcastic Housewife said...

I think I would have peed my pants before I hit the floor laughing. How did you ever keep it together?

Beccy said...

I wish I'd been a fly on the wall at the time...very funny!

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

Ignorance is such bliss!

You MUST tell us how you talked your way around that one!
The story cannot simply there!
Can it?

Blue Momma said...

Too funny!

I just want to know what brought the subject up to begin with....

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

See what you've done?
I laughed so hard I couldn't even finish a sentence.
The story can't just END there.
Please tell the rest.


Please?

Kellie said...

Ha!! Please finish the story. We KNOW it didn't end with that!!

julie said...

Yeah. How DO you keep from laughing when they say such amazing things?

Shanilie said...

lol that is incredibly funny. Oh the mind of a child. What a sweetheart!

Diesel said...

Well, did you?

BS said...

Just wait until he gets older !! The questions get even better ...but with a little bit more knowledge of the subject ... sometimes it's very difficult to answer without cracking up.

Emma in Canada said...

Haha that is freaking hilarious.

I, too, promised never to lie to my kids. And then they asked how old I was when I lost my virginity.

frannie said...

I actually just read your entire post out loud to my husband... he says boy child sounds like a character...

I told him that he has no idea. :)

Logophile said...

OK, I love this story, love it, love it, love it.
That is definitely one of those stories that needs to be remembered for future reference.

my4kids said...

Oh my that is too funny! The girls still think sex is kissing but the boys unfortunatly know otherwise.

nailgirl said...

Yeah ignorance is bliss I tell ya. I just had to tell my 11 year old what a bj was! I was freaked out about that for sure.

Heather said...

That is so awesome!

Rebecca said...

HAHAHAHA! You never told us what your answer was.....

simonsays said...

Out of the mouths of babes...

Slackermommy said...

That's great! I love their innocence. We've been having a lot of sex talks at my house also. Normally I am very comfortable about talking about sex but my kids turn me into a bumbling idiot.

Jocelyn said...

That.
Is.
My.
Favorite.
Question.
Of.
The.
Year.

Amira said...

One of your best posts TO DATE. Abso-freaking-lutely awesome is your life.

Love the phrase used above ("...just spare me the exact addresses."). NIce, Chick.

EE said...

LOL!That's priceless!!!

Tiger Lamb Girl said...

And this post is Awesome.

*must go clean my keyboard now*

Rachel said...

I think I just peed my pants!!! Lmfao! I love the innocence of kids!

CPA Mom said...

look what I've been missing? Boy Child is the freaking.bomb. Every time he opens his mouth I laugh. He is definitely your child. That line about going around the block, without knowing exact addresses is proof. Good Lord.

SJ said...

Totally hilarious.

Hey! Just like his Mom!

Lisa said...

BAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAHAHAAAA

catching up on old comments..ok this was the only one I absolutely had to say something, albeit so stupid as "bahahaha"