Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Women! Gah!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.

I don’t understand women.

And not just the obvious things like why I want to carry a pink purse so badly and how many centimeters women get dilated before a baby pops out. I don't understand a lot of other stuff either.

Take Star Jones for example. I saw a big headline today that said the following:

STAR JONES: I HAD GASTRIC BYPASS SURGERY.

Did she really need to make a big, dramatic announcement regarding that? If so, here is my big, dramatic announcement to Star Jones:

EVERYONE ELSE OTHER THAN STAR JONES: WE ALREADY KNOW. YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO TELL US.

Let’s see. One day you are 307 pounds. Six months later you weigh like, ten. I think all of us figured it was not from walking your dog a lot.

I mean, I don’t care that she had it. Whatever. It’s not a big deal to me if someone has surgical “intervention” to lose weight. I’m just offended that she wants to make it into the most obvious non-news story since Lance Bass announced he was gay.

Also, last night I had to spend time with a group of women who have absolutely nothing in life other than their children and like to talk about said children in loud, grating voices. I adore my children and have a lot to say about them, but I also have a lot to say about other, important issues such as Where the Hell did Jesse McCartney go? and how stupid the people I work with all seem to be. But these women seem to not even be WATCHING the E! network and just look at me blankly when I try to explain that no, I actually can’t be at this meeting at 10am on a Tuesday morning because, GASP, I have a freaking job.

I don’t care if people are stay-at-home moms. I actually think that’s kind of awesome and more power to them if they can do it. Financially, it was never an option for me. I do have issue with women who look down on me because I’m not nearly as involved as they feel I should be in my children’s lives. I do have an issue with people rolling their eyes at me when I give my opinion. If my opinion is stupid as hell, then by all means, roll your eyes. But if you are rolling your eyes at me merely because you don’t think my opinion is valid because it would require less than a crowbar to get me out of my own child’s ass? Then I just don’t think that’s my problem.

What I really, really don’t get and what really frosts my pickle about the whole situation? Is that these women claim to be doing this FOR THE CHILDREN. And yet? When it comes time to actually interact with the, you know, actual children, they can be found in the kitchen talking smack about everyone else who couldn’t make it (because of their JOBS! The horror!) and drinking coffee.

Meanwhile I am out doing the hula with the children.

So who’s wrong here?

I mean, I know I’m bitter and not funny and all that, but good Lord. Those people just did not turn out.

Yet, I don't have a penis. So I just don't fit in with anyone.

28 comments:

Catwoman said...

You want to move with me to gay island?

I think we'd have a blast there together.

julie said...

If those other mommies don't get it, they can just shove it. So there.

Blue Momma said...

You're just hanging out with the wrong chicks, Chick!

Oh, and I don't have a penis either. Thank God.

Some people you just don't really want to fit in with. Aren't you glad you didn't?

Rebecca said...

I have always been a working Mom, and I know those types. You really don't want to fit in with them because they are toxic. You would DIE of boredom. Those women probably couldn't handle a full time job, and the kids, and the commute, and a husband, and the dog, and still be charming online every day...HAHA.

frannie said...

i stay at home-- and I think working mothers rock!

especially you!

Bunny said...

You fit in right here, on teh interweb. I will keep coming for the funny and not talk about you in the kitchen over our kids heads.

M said...

I'm just glad that you and me are two peas in a pod. too bad our pod is so fucking huge it spans most the damn country (or maybe that's so it can fit my ever expanding ass.)

Screw crazy SAHM's. That's why I was always afraid to be one. They are scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaary. (Now wait, I'm a SAHM now...I'm not scary, right? No. I'm just not a REAL SAHM though i do, ya know, S.A.H. I *heart* stupid initials instead of words....)

xoxoxoxox

SJ said...

I often feel that way too with all the women in my neighborhood. I think I am the ONLY one that works full-time.

Yeah call me weird, but I like to work. And well, it just works for us...

So yeah, those Moms you speak of who were giving you a hard time can suck it.

EE said...

Yeah...what in the heck happened to Jesse McCartney??????

Lisa said...

A. Yo, Star, No Shit Sherlock

B. Stay at home mommies should go GET A JOB for one year THEN say something.....bc some of us have TWO jobs...

OMYWORD! said...

You are very, very funny. Do you have an RSS feed? Lemme know so I can get automatic, delivered to my laptop, laughs. I found you through humor-blogs.

Amy W said...

I am one of three women on my street of 40 houses who work. And those days I happen to be at home?

Kids are playing on the trampoline during a thunderstorm. Nice.

Amen sister.

Oh, and am I the only who thinks Star Jones looks gross?

Emily said...

I, too, think Star Jones looks gross. She annoys me.

Bethany said...

You are so right!!!

dennis said...

damn, i was drinking coffee in the kitchen with a penis when i read this...

No, the kitchen did not have its own penis, i do. I don't know why, but I felt that I should clarify that point...

Rachel said...

OMG, I totally agree with you!! I would love to be more involved in my oldest daughter's school instead of working. But, even if I stayed home, that would not be the be all end all of my existence!

CPA Mom said...

frosts.my.pickle. Good lord you have a way with words.

Let's ALL move to gay island with Catwoman. Sounds like a sweet deal.

I felt much the same this weekend...

Kimberly said...

Some people so aren't worth fitting in with, you know?

Once had a gal over who talked my ear off about this that and the other the whole time...while her kids were wreckin' our house, and beatin' on my kids. And she gave me this scathing look every time I I got up to intervene.

Yeah. 'Cause I'm the crazy one.

I don't understand women either.

Joy T. said...

Oiy. And I'm a sahm and suddenly my IQ dropped from all the working moms around me. The comments I could tell you that have been said to me. But I have to put my bon bon down before I tell you. Because that's what us sahm moms do right? Watch tv and eat chocolate. Gah is right! No wonder I get along with men better. Maybe if we take all your bitchy sahm's and all my bitchy working moms and put them in a room together, they'll all brow beat each other to death and leave the rest of us to do exactly what's right for us.

my4kids said...

I agree with JoyT. Why does everyone have to think their way of doing things is the right way? Why can't we all just take care of our kids the way we think is best for our families and leave other people alone....you know unless they are killing each other or destroying our home.
You do a good job, Chick. I think your a good mommy either way. Ignore the psycho SAHMS out there and remember their are normal SAHMs that think your doing great.

Julie said...

Star is a ding dong - you're right, we all knew she had that surgery. She looks sickly now though I must say.

In my neighbhorhood the stay at home mom is the majority and working mom (like me) are in the minority. For those SAHMs that "don't get it" I don't have time for them. Everyone's life is their own - we don't need to judge. What works for one doesn't work for everyone.

Rebecca said...

Dennis was in the kitchen with a penis? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ann(ie) said...

You fit in with me!!

I agree with every damn thing you said! Frosts my pickle, too.

And Star 'I'm a Diva' Jones is the most annoying person on the planet. What a gay announcement. well....Elisabitch Hasselbeck is close second....=)

Ellie said...

I agree with your observations on Star Jones. It is like a plea for getting her noticed, because she obviously hasn't had that much press of late that I have seen. I have heard that she will be getting a show or something, but not sure about that either...could be a ploy to get her out into the press to get her noticed for her new show...if there is one...

You might be in the minority...but you are in a good minority...the bitties who don't understand...their loss...

Stephanie said...

Love your posts. You're so refreshingly candid about life and its little idiosyncracies. I enjoy reading. And you are funny... and a Mom... all at the same time. Who knew it could happen?

Jocelyn said...

Oh, you fit in with a lot of the women I know. It's just a matter of learning the secret handshake and finding out where the club meets.

You are, as always, awesome.

Amira said...

*Sigh.* Ah, Chick, I hear ya. If you're a SAHM, you're damned. If you're a working mom, you're damned, too.

So, so be it. Bottom line: we don't HAVE to be bitchy. That's the real choice here.

HeatherAnn Fragglehead said...

Thank you so much for this. I feel exactly the same way.

I might go berserk on the very next woman who makes a face at me when she finds out I didn't breastfeed. *gasp* Chill out, folks, my kid is six years. We've gotten over it. Maybe you should, too.