Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Chick's Rules for A Good World.

-If you are Lindsey Lohan or behave or aspire to behave in the manner in which Lindsay Lohan behaves, you must pay for your own college education. Otherwise, you go for free.

-If you are Michael Vick or anyone else who is abusive to animals, you must lie down and have your privates covered in peanut butter. Then a pack of rabies-infested dogs get to come in and have a visit with you.

-100% of my family and 95% of the rest of the population have to have therapy.

-The National Soda is Diet Pepsi. Instead of water in the water fountains? Diet Pepsi bubbles forth.

-People who allow their children to play in the street and don’t watch them? Get to extract my foot from their asses.

-All delicious food has zero calories. Especially chocolate.

-All Mother-in-laws must shriek to the women their son’s marry, “You are the best thing that ever happened to my son! I puffy pink heart you with glitter!” Or something.

-The Tennessee State slogan would be changed to, “Are you kidding me with this?”

-If Tennessee doesn't currently have a slogan, it gets to be that one.

-All the cool and funny and cute girls want to be friends with Chick.

-If you can’t merge into traffic effectively, your drivers license is revoked. Forever.

-If you get your jollies by treating Chick and people like Chick badly? You get kicked square in your nutsack and/or vaginal region.

-Moms are funny.

-All babies are wanted.

-Any teenage boy who thinks that women who weigh over 100lbs are fat chicks? They get acne.

-On their balls.

-Then? I come and sit on them until they can't breathe.

-All Chick's books get published.

-That becomes Chick's job.

-Chick gets to travel all around and meet all her sweet friends.

-They go get Mexican together. Because it has no calories.

-Houses are all self-cleaning.

-So is laundry.

-Everyone's legs shave themselves.

-Unless that's not your thing.

-If you go to jail for raping someone, a biker named Thor gets first crack at you in the pokey.

-I used both "crack" and "pokey" in the last statement and they were both wildly appropriate.

-Work doesn't start until 10am.

-It ends at 2:30pm.

-We all get paid a lot.

-If you say things like, "I done lost Karl!" it's really okay.


Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

Whatever election you are running, I will vote for you.


stepmomof2 said...

Sounds good to me!

Kimberly said...

I dunno...that's a nasty thing to do to an innocent jar of peanut butter.

Blue Momma said...

But how will we know they have acne on their balls?

We don't have to look, do we?

Emma in Canada said...

Hahaha. Too funny. I'm not cool, funny or sute but I still want to be your friend. Or was that just too pathetic?

Bethany said...

Chick for President!!

Anonymous said...

I'm SO signing up to live by your rules!!

Dawn~a~Bon said...

I'm drinking diet pepsi right now! yay! Let's go get some calorie-free Mexican food! Maybe they won't make us pay because our toes are bitchin'!

nailgirl said...

The funniest part......... I done lost carl bahahahah.

Catwoman said...

It's your world, Chick, we just get to live in it. Which is lucky for us!

my4kids said...

you forgot to add that you get to take an 1 1/2 lunch-- we need that much time because we will all eat so much, since there aren't any calories!

Sarcastic Housewife said...

Some of those things are already alive in my world.

M said...

I fucking love you. But you knew that.

Morgan Leigh said...

You. Are. Hilarious. And? I totally want to live in your world and vote you for president.

NeUrOtIc CuRb ChEcKiNg SuV dRiVeR said...

I think we need to chuck Title 9. We need to ignore the Bill of Rights. I will find a way to have this list should be made law pretty much, umm...EVERYWHERE.

I'm just waiting to see what type of prison bitch Michael Vick turns into. Cause that boy is doomed.

Rachel said...

Reading your blog at work is gonna get me fired.

They're gonna start to wonder why I constantly need a new keyboard.

frannie said...

just wanted to let you know that the post from Terri is really me-- I did a guest post on her blog and forgot to sign out. sorry!

Tiger Lamb Girl said...

Hey:). I'm cool and funny and cute and you can be my friend, Chick.
And I love love heart mexican food (just made pico and guac today!).

Great list!

Mich said...

Ok, I am so signing up to move into your world. Obviously, there would be margaritas with the Mexican food, right? That's one of those unspoken rules, I'm sure.

Amira said...

Don't forget to add that child support from asshat dads is ALWAYS paid and ALWAYS paid on time. Or else Thor gets a crack at them in the pokey.

Jocelyn said...

For awhile now, I've had a sense that people's nutsacks aren't safe around you.

Now I know for sure.

AnnieM said...

You are awesome! Chick for Pres!!!!!!

Angie said...

Loving every pixel of this entry!

SJ said...

LOVE! your rules for a good world, am I invited to come and live there?


J said...

Seriously. You are hilarious. I wish you lived here, so you could be my friend, too.