As I was watching "The Hills" today, I felt profound sadness. And not the usual sadness I feel while watching this program, which is because I can feel my brain cells rotting out of my head. This was a different kind of sadness.
In recent episodes, the gorgeous yet unfortunate Lauren, has began talking again to her ex Jason. At first I thought, logically, "That big dumbass."
Then, after a while, I began to think...maybe those two crazy kids can make it work.
Because, you know, that had happened to me and my Jason. So maybe, I thought, just MAYBE, it could happen for them too.
I mean, true, my husband never had arrests for DUI or anything. But he was a huge butthead and dumped me for someone else. I mean, had we been on our own reality show about people in their mid-twenties living in a small North Carolina town and working at crappy jobs and trying to make ends meet and not knowing anyone famous? I would have watched myself on that show and thought, logically, "That big dumbass."
Because really? I was pretty stupid to take him back.
I mean, it worked out, obviously, since we're married. And while it's not all bliss, it's really a pretty good life.
But still. If a girlfriend of mine had come to me and said, "This guy? I was totally in love with him? And he dumped me for this Whorish McWhorebag? And I found out I was pregnant? And I had a miscarriage? And now he's calling and wanting me back. What should I do?"
I'd be all like, "Drop that zero and get you a hero!". Finger snaps would be involved also.
Anyway, Lauren and Jason had been meeting up for dinner and coffee and talking. Jason was (is?) in rehab and seemed to be doing better. At one point he was dropping her off and she had this look on her face like, "OH MY GOD WHY IS HE NOT KISSING ME?!?!" and he was looking at her like, "MAYBE I SHOULD KISS HER."
But they did nothing. She got out of the car.
Today's show opened with him saying to her, "I want you to meet my girlfriend."
And I could just tell, her heart dropped.
And as stupid as it is, my heart dropped for her.
She went to the housewarming/kegger for the happy couple. During? Someone announced they were engaged.
And Lauren? Looked like she would puke.
So she went outside, maybe to puke, I don't know. Jason followed her out there and they were talking and out came his new girlfriend/fiance/whatever. And she totally sat in his lap and all slutted it up and kept on kissing him and acting like, well a twenty-year old. Which I guess she is, but that's not the point.
Now, granted, I don't think they'll ever make it down the aisle. The two of them are, what, like twenty and maybe twenty-one? And he's in rehab and his "engagement" party was a kegger? Frankly, I imagine he'll be living in a homeless shelter in a year and no one will even remember who he was.
My husband Jason had a lot of girlfriends before he met me. A lot. And one girl, before me, he loved.
I don't know this girl. I know her name. I've googled her and emailed her picture to a bunch of my friends and asked if I was prettier (I know. I don't even have an excuse like, "I was young!" because I was thirty-one when I did it, or "I was drunk!" because I don't drink. I'm just lame). All my friends said, "You are totally prettier than her and also? She looks like a mean bitch!" Because they love me.
I don't think she looks like a mean bitch. But I can't imagine her with my husband, either.
They broke up because she wanted to marry him. He loved her, I know he did, but he didn't want to marry her. She told him they didn't have to get married right THEN, but she wanted to work toward it. He told her he loved her, but he couldn't make that commitment. He didn't want to marry her. Or anyone, really. It was nothing about her.
They broke up, because of that.
A short time later, he realized how much he loved her and missed her and called and asked her to come back. She said, no. She was dating someone else.
I know that hurt him.
I don't know what time frame all of this occurred in, frankly. I met him in December and in maybe March or so of the next year he got an invitation to her wedding. He briefly mentioned it and of course, didn't go.
I thought that was kind of funny, actually. That she would send him the invitation. I don't know her, but I can imagine in her head she was thinking, "TAKE THAT YOU ASS. I AM WORTH MARRYING. I'M THE ONE WHO GOT AWAY."
Because really? They hadn't spoken since the break-up and the one call he made trying to win her back. It wasn't like they had remained friends and talked all along and she knew he was dating someone else and I was invited too. It was a big old F-YOU. You lose. I win. I'm worthy.
And I know why she did it.
Everybody has that one person. That one person that you love so much it makes you sick inside. The one person you can't imagine living without. The one who can hurt you so much and at the same time make your heart so full of love you feel like you're going to burst. The one you dream about spending your life with, having babies with, growing old with.
It makes you do stupid things. Like going to a kegger to celebrate their housewarming with their new girlfriend or sending them an invitation to your wedding.
Or taking them back, even when it was the "wrong" thing to do.