Sending out an S.O.S.

Last night, on the couch, in the darkness, Jason and I talked.

I know that doesn't seem profound. Husbands and wives are supposed to talk. I get that.

It's just lately? I find myself in a black hole of depression. One which allows me to still function at a level that is required for every day life, but at the same time will not allow me to be my real self. And Jason? Is kind enough to notice and also kind enough to respect it.

But last night, we talked.

I told him about work. He told me about his work. We talked about today and what the plan would be. And I told him how tired I was and how I just couldn't sleep.

I also told him, although it was hard for me, about the dream I had last night.

Why is it hard for me to tell him when I've already written about it and anyone who wants to read it could? Because with him, it's different.

I have had "female problems" for the past fifteen years. I won't go into all of it. It would take hours and frankly? I can't even remember all of it. It's like a big blur of doctors and cramps and disappointment.

My husband does not understand my desire to have a baby.

I mean, he does to some extent, I believe. But he does not understand my obsessive, would do anything, don't care if it would kill me in the process desire to have a child.

Because he has me. And he would rather have me alive and healthy and raising the two children I already have.

He? Is practical.
I? Am not. Not about this.

Therefore I tend to get impatient and frustrated when he tries to help me get through it. Because though I know without a doubt he means well, it's just not what I want to hear.

But last night, I told him about the dream.

And in the darkness he said, "Was Abby a Chinese baby?"

I said, "No. She was pale, like me. With green eyes and a nose a little to wide for her face. But she'll grow into it."

He was silent for a moment. And I felt my frustration rise.

Because I knew what he would say next. I knew it would be something that he felt would diffuse the situation so I wouldn't start crying. I knew it would be sincere and that he really would be trying to keep me from getting upset, but I was going to get upset anyway. I just knew it.

And he said:

"In my dream, she was Chinese."