Friday, November 09, 2007

Sending out an S.O.S.

Last night, on the couch, in the darkness, Jason and I talked.

I know that doesn't seem profound. Husbands and wives are supposed to talk. I get that.

It's just lately? I find myself in a black hole of depression. One which allows me to still function at a level that is required for every day life, but at the same time will not allow me to be my real self. And Jason? Is kind enough to notice and also kind enough to respect it.

But last night, we talked.

I told him about work. He told me about his work. We talked about today and what the plan would be. And I told him how tired I was and how I just couldn't sleep.

I also told him, although it was hard for me, about the dream I had last night.

Why is it hard for me to tell him when I've already written about it and anyone who wants to read it could? Because with him, it's different.

I have had "female problems" for the past fifteen years. I won't go into all of it. It would take hours and frankly? I can't even remember all of it. It's like a big blur of doctors and cramps and disappointment.

My husband does not understand my desire to have a baby.

I mean, he does to some extent, I believe. But he does not understand my obsessive, would do anything, don't care if it would kill me in the process desire to have a child.

Because he has me. And he would rather have me alive and healthy and raising the two children I already have.

He? Is practical.
I? Am not. Not about this.

Therefore I tend to get impatient and frustrated when he tries to help me get through it. Because though I know without a doubt he means well, it's just not what I want to hear.

But last night, I told him about the dream.

And in the darkness he said, "Was Abby a Chinese baby?"

I said, "No. She was pale, like me. With green eyes and a nose a little to wide for her face. But she'll grow into it."

He was silent for a moment. And I felt my frustration rise.

Because I knew what he would say next. I knew it would be something that he felt would diffuse the situation so I wouldn't start crying. I knew it would be sincere and that he really would be trying to keep me from getting upset, but I was going to get upset anyway. I just knew it.

And he said:

"In my dream, she was Chinese."

38 comments:

Sarcasta-Mom said...

As one depressed soul to another, I wish there was something I could say that would fix it all, something deep, profound and moving. Unfortunatly, those are just words I don't posses.

Jason will never understand this part of you that is all female, all mother. But, at least he's willing to try.

So, as any good mom and strong woman, I know you will hang in there like the rest of us who are struggling day to day. Keep your chin up.

Bunny said...

I don't even know what to say. He has the dream!

I am recently recovering (?) from the longest and biggest depression I've ever had and the only thing I can think to tell you is to hang in there. There will be a way out. And it sounds like Jason will be right there holding your hand.

Heather @ Desperately Seeking Sanity said...

hang tight... it's tough... but you know as well as i do that what's supposed to happen will... but sometimes it's hard to get out of the way and let God do his thang... :)

Looks like He's already working!

Hugs!

stepmomof2 said...

Whoa, that is profound! I know the importance of having your "own" child together, but what about adoption? I have seriously thought about it and know that once we have exhausted all means of having a child together, then we may go that route. It's a hard choice, but you still end up with another child to love.

frannie said...

I have no words-- I keep trying to find the right thing to say.

I love you!

SJ said...

Oh, wow. I dont know what to say.

Bethany said...

I'm crying. And praying. Love and hope to you all.

AnnieM said...

I have goosebumps that won't go away. I feel your darkness, I am there too.

Edie C said...

Chick - I feel your pain. I have been struggling with infertility for many many years. Hayden was an IVF baby after a year and a half of trying. I was told, when I was 19, that I would have to have all my children by 30 b/c if I didn't, I probably wouldn't have any. I'm almost 31 and am desperate for another child. Desparate, I tell you. My husband, like yours, doesn't understand my desparate need to have another child. However, I know he wants another one too. He just doesn't want to see me suffer to get one here. Feel free to email me if you ever feel like venting... trust me, I feel your pain.

Angie said...

You are married to a wonderful man. . . .for the love of God! : )

I guess I'm like you -- I didn't think along these lines while waiting for Caroline.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm

Kellie said...

That Jason. He's awesome.

I wish I knew what to say and I wish I could help you. I'm sorry I don't :(

CPA Mom said...

Wowsa! Chillbumps! Are you thinking of adoption then? Would you like to talk to another blogger who has adopted? I know of one with a daughter from China and one with a son from Russia.

The depression? I get. And I'm so sorry you are going through that as well. Virtual hugs and prayers going your way, every day.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

Wow. That's amazing, hon. Really, really amazing. If there is anything I can do to help you, I want to know. OK?

JustRandi said...

Double goosebumps here!

Get through this surgery and recovery, and then you can figure out what it means.

One thing I do KNOW - - God's plan for you is always better than your plan for yourself. Let Him work His magic!

Sleeping Mommy said...

That? Made me cry.

Adoption is a great alternative if you have the calling. It sounds like Jason does. Do you? There are so many children all over the world who need loving homes with awesome parents like you and Jason. It's something to think about, it might be what is meant for you two.

Heather said...

awwww. so sorry, too. i've battled depression. you're not alone.

M said...

This makes me all weepy and happy and sad and everything at once.

I cannot believe those words came out of Jason's mouth. I want to kiss him for it.

I want to kiss you too and give you head pets and hugs and all kinds of good loves.

The fact that he even said that? Says he gets it on some level. And even if he doesn't get the biological it? He's starting to get the big picture it and that's amazing. REALLY amazing. I know how much you two have struggled on the topic. And he's getting 'it' with a slice of practical and no female heartbreak of body "malfunction" thrown in. He's getting it in man ways. Which I never expected!

Love you.

Kim said...

I just got teary-eyed when I read that last sentence. *hugs*

Blue Tissue Box said...

Tears are literally rolling down my face right now.

How did you respond to that?

Morgan Leigh said...

That was so ..... I don't know what to say.

(((chick)))

Kimberly said...

I'm crying. I want you to find her.

Happy Working Mom said...

I can understand your desire for another child. And the minute we are told we can't have something we want, the worse the desire gets. The ache hurts more and more.

I'm praying for you :)

Christie said...

I really can't say anything that hasn't already been said here except that Jason is a keeper.

Feel better, girl.

Beckie said...

Adoption can be wonderful, but sometimes you need time to grow into the idea because it isn't your first choice.

Twisted Cinderella said...

*sniff* *sob* I understand your pain. I have been wanting number 2 for more than 4 years. I love his response.

Rachel said...

Wow, Chick. Just wow. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes after reading that.

Jason is such a wonderful caring man.

tulips4me said...

Wow. I am so glad that you were able to sit in the dark and talk to him. He is a loving and caring man. I will be praying of ryou both.

my4kids said...

Wow that left me with goosebumps also! So it was the same name in his dream?

I feel for you with the depression. I've been there to and struggle to fight it off everyday still. Even though I love my home now I feel it creeping in every now and then because I miss my family and friends so much. I will be praying for you, chick. Keep talking to Jason though so he knows whats going on with you. Love you, chick.....

Wenderina said...

Details don't matter when you have the same vision.

Much love
W.

Shanilie said...

Thinking of you! I don't know if you have ever tried effexor....but it works! Worked wonders for me after I had Jacob....there I admitted it finally, to blog land. Praying for u!

Tiger Lamb Girl said...

I cried when I read this, Chick. I feel so sad that you're so sad.... and it's so touching how Jason is so loving.

I don't tend to reach for pills for depression as I think it just suppresses whatever-it-is that's eating at me. (I've been through a very serious depression and come out of it). Also? Depression and profound sadness aren't always the same thing. You seem to know what's eating at you and I think prayers work amazingly well...so I'm praying for you. Hope you don't mind my thoughts on this...

Lots of hugs and love,
TLG xoxo
p.s. I'm around if you want to talk or bend my ear.

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

I have also been depressed for an extended period of time. You've got a wonderful spouse. And, the dual dream? Amazing. I almost even said something yesterday about all the girls in China desperate for homes.

Emma in Canada said...

You are very lucky, Chick, with your husband.

It's nice to know you are having the same dreams, that the outcome is ultimately the same even if the delivery is not.

Joy T. said...

I just don't have it in me to be a gushy mushy kinda gal, but damn I want to come and give you a hug!

simonsays said...

Okay, so this made me cry.

Jocelyn said...

This is why he's your fabulous man.

Wow.

Amy W said...

Wow.

That's all I have to say...

Julie said...

I have goosebumps! There are alot of Abby's out there - just waiting to find a mommy and daddy who will love them.

(Of course, I love that you are dreaming of an Abby, being mom to one myself!)