Church was interesting today.
I expected we would talk about the birth of Christ. The virgin Mary. Possibly cattle lowing. I don't know.
But instead we talked about Joseph. And in doing so, about fathers in general.
I don't know my own father very well. He's still alive and we talk, but I don't see him very often. Most of my life he was at work. I don't blame or fault him for this. After all, he had to support six people and it couldn't have been easy.
I know my father is a good man. I know that he's a hard worker and I'd like to think I took that after him. I know that he loves his family and adores his grandchildren. I know that genuinely, really tries to do the right thing all the time. I've never heard him say a swear word, ever. I've only seen him cry once, and that was when his own father died.
I have regret that I don't know him very well. I have hope that it's not too late.
My husband does not have that luxury, and at one point I felt myself choking up a bit to think of him, as a little boy, with no father. Worse, he had a father at one point, one who presumably loved him very much, but not enough to stay away from drugs. Drugs were his downfall and drugs were the reason he was murdered. The reason my husband has no father and I have no father-in-law.
I have trouble imagining Jason as a little boy. The pictures I have are scant and I never had them, even, until earlier this year. It feels like such a hole, not knowing.
I wondered too, about this man, my husband, and the decision he made to marry me. A woman with two children.
Becoming a mother was huge to me. It was something I can never, ever adequately explain in words what it meant to me, what it means to me, and how it changed my life.
He walked in and they were already there. The decision was made. Loving me meant loving them.
Part of me understands. I mean, come on. We're totally fabulous. Who wouldn't want to hang with us?
But part of me admires the heck out of him, and all the step-dads (and moms!) , who look at the situation and say, "It's not your fault that the people in your life who should be there for you suck. You deserve more than that."
He deserved more than that too.
I hope we give it to him. In spades.