1) If you are two hundred years old and need to visit someone who lives two streets over on Christmas day? Start driving now.
2) Whatever you want at Wal-Mart? They have 1100. There's no need to almost run over a nice responsible woman and her children in your mad dash to get whatever it is you want to get.
3) If you are a middle-aged man who drives a low-slung vehicle which is clearly either a cry for help, evidence of your microscopic penis, or your mid-life crisis and you have those plastic antlers and a candy-cane stripe on your antenna? It means your wife dislikes or possibly hates you and wants you to suffer.
4) If you must transport your live Christmas tree to your home by strapping it on top of your vehicle please make sure you don't obstruct your back window so that you don't almost run into someone who is passing you in the left-hand lane because you can't see out the window.
5) Yes, I'm talking to you, Bitchy Larue in the red Volkswagen Beetle on Interstate 40 this morning at 7:27am.
6) Your momma is not going to run out of turkey if you don't get there by 5:30pm. Slow the crap down.
7) Sitting in your car and glaring at me menacingly when I refuse to run the red-light so you can also run the red-light does not make me fear you.
8) No one wants to sit in the traffic that is backed up for six exits because people in front of you don't know how to merge. There is no need to honk your horn, make obsense gestures, or scream at your husband who looks markedly henpecked. For the love of corn dogs, chill out.
9) If you don't know how to merge? Please stay off the interstate. Not just during the holidays, but every day, please.
10) When in doubt, just stay home. Please. For the love of Google.