Things don't have to be good, but I wish they would just be better.
Last night, I reacted at my daughter in anger. I really try hard not to do that. I remember far more anger and yelling than good, loving, and positive things from my childhood. I want my children to remember more love. My daughter lost something expensive and I was just so frustrated and sad and overwhelmed that I got angry. I think it's okay to be angry, but I don't think it's okay to speak to anyone in anger.
I regret that.
I apologized to her and she apologized to me. But I could see in her face this morning that she still felt a little wary of me. That makes me feel sick.
This morning as I walked the long cold walk up the hill to my desk I thought about how angry I am. I thought about the fact that this isn't who I want to be. That I used to be such a different person and how all these things in my life have consumed me to the point that I'm just sick with anger sometimes.
It's not who I want to be.