Friday, January 18, 2008

Consumed.

Things don't have to be good, but I wish they would just be better.

Last night, I reacted at my daughter in anger. I really try hard not to do that. I remember far more anger and yelling than good, loving, and positive things from my childhood. I want my children to remember more love. My daughter lost something expensive and I was just so frustrated and sad and overwhelmed that I got angry. I think it's okay to be angry, but I don't think it's okay to speak to anyone in anger.

I regret that.

I apologized to her and she apologized to me. But I could see in her face this morning that she still felt a little wary of me. That makes me feel sick.

This morning as I walked the long cold walk up the hill to my desk I thought about how angry I am. I thought about the fact that this isn't who I want to be. That I used to be such a different person and how all these things in my life have consumed me to the point that I'm just sick with anger sometimes.

It's not who I want to be.

31 comments:

Priscilla said...

I think it's very difficult, maybe impossible to not let our feelings flow into other areas of our life. Angry about work becomes angry with kids/hubby/dog whatever.

Isn't bloggin awesome? We can vent here and unload and maybe even work on some areas we may not have seen before.

When I get that tweeked, I take a long bath in a hot hot tub, lights out, candles on.

And focus on the blessed things in my life.

My thoughts are with you dear during this emotional time.

Shari said...

Oh hon, you are way too hard on yourself.

It's hard to keep the different areas in your life from crossing paths.

My heart goes out to you.

Kimberly said...

So much of this anger that's building up in you is coming from outside sources...you have so much to be frustrated and angry about right now. You're an amazingly strong woman (cue the but), but to have both you and Jason, who are both hardworking and actually have more than the average amount of integrity, getting bashed around at work...I mean, the injustice of that can't help but rankle.

Keep putting out resumes, that's my thought. ~hugs~

Beckie said...

I have been following on Bloglines the thing with Jason's work (which is just twisted) and all of your audits. You have a lot of stress going on right now. Don't be too hard on yourself - none of us are perfect.

I am sending positive vibes your way!

frannie said...

it's so hard not to be angry when we are so stressed and there are so many things beyond our control.

try to take some time for yourself this weekend.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

****HUG****

Sleeping Mommy said...

My husband and I are always telling each other that things get worse (often much worse) before they get better. Sometimes its a comfort... Sometimes its not.

But I have to believe that things are going to get better for you all.

Morgan Leigh said...

Keep looking for a new job, honey. I think that honestly, the jobs you and Jason have right now are the reasons behind the anger, frustration and everything else. It's not fair, because you two are wonderful, hardworking people, and your jobs, honestly *suck*. I'm really sorry, it sucks. Sending you ((hugs))! :)

Sabrina said...

Time for a change :) Tell hubby to start looking, work at a company that appreciates him so he can tell them "HA, screw you, I'm leaving".

I'm sorry, life just sucks sometimes, doesn't it. Hey, at least you have a cool blog :P

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

I hope for new jobs for both of you. Neither of you deserve shitheads trying to tear you apart. And, although I know it upset you with Girl Child, we all have done it. She understands you are human & mom. I promise.

Tiger Lamb Girl said...

When that acute feeling of anger wells up - try to remind yourself that it stems from frustration and most of that frustration has to do with stuff beyond your control.
Mostly work stuff.

They are only so many hours in a day. One person can only do so much. If you're trying your best and the auditor can't see the positive points? Then he's missing the bigger picture...especially if you already spotted the weak areas (like, duh).

If your new boss wants you fired, and succeeds? Try to see it as a door closing on a suck nozzle chapter. And another [better] one WILL open!!!! Please try to see it like this. For your own sake.

Maybe God's working His mojo on the situation. Maybe He's got something amazing up His sleeve.

I just gotta hunch;). {{hugs}}
xo

Tiger Lamb Girl said...

P.s. I feel your pain about your reaction to GC. I can't count the times I lost my sh1t with my kids over the years (it happens rarely now thankfully) and had to see that pitiful look on their faces in times of stress.

But Chick? Listen to me - please. Maybe you're forgetting something. The important thing after you've lost your sh1t, is that you apologised, and asked forgiveness.

You are giving your children a wonderful example of what it is to endure this human experience and how to set things right when we get things wrong. They are learning the reality of life and how to navigate relationships. They are learning forgiveness, understanding and compassion.

Your kids see your beauty and love through the temporary surface tension. They know you love them. They know you're not perfect. And they probably know you're a little stressed out at the moment.

It's good to have a conscience, and it's good and right to make amends. But there's NO sense in beating oneself up once amends are made;). Don't teach your kids to beat themselves up after they've made amends. Show them how to move forward;). xo

Anna said...

Your new boss? Is this the same boss who openly advertises his strategy as being "do as little as possible and go home early"? Maybe that's the reason he wants you fired, to cover for his own incompetence.

clara-runner said...

I'm sorry things suck right now. When things like this happen to me, I tell myself that the lows of life really make me appreciate the highs. Still doesn't make the current suckiness better though, but I hang on for that light at the end of the tunnel.

Don't beat yourself up about what happened with your daughter. By going back and apologizing, you are showing her what it is like to be an adult human. We all get angry, and sometimes, we do or say things we aren't proud of. As an adult, when that happens, you apologize for it, learn from it, and move on. I know a lot of people that wouldn't even apologize.

Well wishes to you and your family.

Edie said...

Ugh... Honestly? It sounds like it's time for a life change. Rekindle your thoughts about moving... find a better job (your's sounds awful... why put yourself in a position to get reamed all the time? that's not good for anyone)... get Jason to find a better job...

time for a change...

Suzy said...

The worst job I ever had was waitress. After 3 years of it, they decided they wanted me gone. So they set up an elaborate story that I had given french fries away to some friends of mine in the restaurant. If that's what you call paying customers, fine.

Anyway, they fired me and it was the Universe's way of showing me I was going the wrong way. Instead of doing standup in a half-assed way, I threw myself into it and succeeded and eventually got to LA where I succeeded more. I don't know what would have happened had they not fired me.

Just say "thank you" because someone is trying to show you another path. Take it.

everaftermyway said...

Sweety, I am so sorry you are feeling so down. I hope things get better for you and your husband at work.

I can tell by the tone of your posts that your girl will remember the loving most of all.

I remember one time when I was younger my dad yelled for something and then he felt guilty about it. He was in a store at the time, without me knowing, he bought me a beautiful flowerpot and he apologized to me. I don't actually remember the yelling, I don't remember feeling bad about it, I do remember dad apologizing to me. That is what made the biggest impression on me.

Karen and Bill said...

Man, you've been hit with a guilt-mobile driven by 10-year-old Girl Child!! Why do you think she was "wary" of you?? She wanted you to feel BAD. I mean really bad! And it worked! She'll be fine; kids are resilient. It's not like you threw her up against the wall and beat her. She's just letting Mama know that she can pluck your strings, baby! If she was 14? She'd roll her eyes, conjure up some big ol' crocodile tears, trembling lip, refuse to speak to you, cross her arms and flounce around -- and nothing would appease her without a little coaxing-- such as, oh, say a trip to the mall for a little retail therapy? Heh. You can take consolation in the fact that she's not 14. Yet.

There's a silver lining in every cloud; it's always darkest before dawn; blah blah. You know all that crap. LOL But the truth? Someday you'll look back and say, "Yeah. That was the turning point. That darkest moment in our lives when we (both lost our jobs) (one of us lost our jobs) (insert crisis here), if that hadn't happened I wouldn't have been forced to look for other work, which resulted in this new, very cool job where they love me and appreciate all my talents, then 14 literary agents wanted to sign me because I'm now so amazingly awesome." Yeah. It's like that. I promise! :-)

It's like this: Life is hot chocolate. It doesn't matter what kind of cup it's served in, the quality of the hot chocolate remains the same.

Karen and Bill said...

p.s. And you totally rock, I don't care what those bastard auditors say. Or your boss. If you could see me? I'm giving them the finger for you!

SJ said...

Awww Chick. It makes me sad to think about you being down. Try to cheer up, do something fun for yourself this weekend.

I wonder at times how I end up so angry myself. It happens so fast and then you really feel like you have NO control. I'll be thinking about you.

Jocelyn said...

Kimberly made a good point about the anger being pushed into you from outside sources. Could you and Jason just sell Avon and quit the bastard jobs?

Robyn said...

Aww..sounds very rough:( I'm sorry that you have all this piled up on you. I hope things turn for the better here soon!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Man, I'm sorry. But, you know, you're human too and imperfect, and as long as you didn't physically or verbally harm or abuse your daughter, she'll get over it. Kids need to realize, at some point, that parents are people, too. Maybe next time she'll think before she acts.

Jobs suck. People suck. And it sounds like more and more that boss want perfection from their employees and certainly don't care about anything less.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

Aw hon. I'm sorry you feel so bad about how things went down with the girl-child. I know if I had done what she did, I sure would have been yelled at and nobody would have apologized to me for it. Seriously, you are my mom-spiration and I hope to be like you when I'm a mom. Don't beat yourself up, please? She's fine, she adores you.

**HUG**

Stephanie said...

I think you need a massage and a pedicure... a Calgon Take-Me-Away moment. Sounds like there's a lot going on that is frustrating. For those things, I am truly sorry. You and Jason don't deserve to be treated poorly by anyone, certainly not by your employers.

As for your moment with Girl Child, don't beat yourself up over it. While I don't think it's great to react in anger, sometimes it's REAL for kids to see that you are angry. Otherwise, how do they grow up and learn to deal with anger? How do they learn how to apologize for speaking words they don't mean, or didn't think through? Even in our worst moments, we model for them. And it sounds like you modeled very well.

You're a good egg, Chick. Lighten up on yourself!

Sarcasta-Mom said...

If there's one thing I've learned the the mom blog world, is that all moms loose it with their kids now and then. The thing that makes you a good mother, is feeling bad about it and making ammends.

I know how you feel about your job. I'm currently sharing an office with a woman who's main goal in life is to make me look like total garbage and get me fired. I know how hard it is to switch jobs, so I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. Now that the audits are done, hopefully things will get better soon.....

*hugs*

judy in ky said...

Oh, I so feel for you and Jason. I have had so many nightmare bosses, all at insurance companies. One time I went out to lunch and never came back. Another time, I was really chummy with one particular coworker, but then they made her a supervisor and she turned on me. I never did figure that one out!
I don't know what kind of company you work for, but those audits sound downright sadistic! I finally found a job in a different industry where I've been for ten years and they couldn't be better. There is hope out there. I hope you find something better. Your situation is soul-killing. I know, I have been there.

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

Because you have these feelings, and because you care, and because you desire to the right things......and becuase you realize you are human and make mistakes.........


makes you WAY awesome!

Blessings.

Lil Mouse said...

the positive thing is, your daughter gets to find out that mommies and daddies aren't perfect. that they can make mistakes, that its okay if SHE makes mistakes, as long as she's sorry and owns up to it. much better than other kinds of parenting, you know like not using car seats and telling your kids they are perfect and can do no wrong... they will get out of ANYTHING they do... yeah, we need more parents like you, for sure! as far as i'm concerned, that IS a perfect parent

EE said...

If you always reacted perfectly, you wouldn't be human.
I think that it's so important for kids to see parents apologize.
You're setting an excellent example...don't beat yourself up!

EE said...

If you always reacted perfectly, you wouldn't be human.
I think that it's so important for kids to see parents apologize.
You're setting an excellent example...don't beat yourself up!