Saturday, January 12, 2008

Just put CPS on speed-dial.

We eat dinner together, the four of us, most nights. Some nights it doesn't work out because Jason has a somewhat crazy schedule (it gets worse during tax season. Joy) but we all sit at our little table together at least five times a week and have a meal. When we lived in North Carolina we didn't do this. I like that we do this.

I do not like, however, the fact that it takes Girl Child approximately six hours to finish a meal. I swear she is the slowest eater on the planet. I recognize that Boy Child eats like he's afraid whatever it is will run off of his plate and Jason, well, he does nearly everything fast; talking, driving, and yes, eating. So usually, Boy Child is finished first, then Jason, then me, and then Girl Child.

Last night I was feeling exhausted, annoyed, and honestly? Sorry for myself. The upshot of this past week is that I absolutely have to get a new job. As fast as possible. I don't even want to think about what will happen if I don't.

Anyway. I didn't feel like making dinner.

Instead? I took a bath.

Jason came home and said, "I'm sorry you had a bad day babe. Did you enjoy your bath? I'll take care of dinner."

And before you go, "Awww!" or anything my husband, the former CHEF, ordered pizza. So it was sweet but let's not give him more credit than he deserves.

I didn't feel right. My stomach is torn up because of the events of the last week and I didn't feel like eating much. I finished my food and got up from the table to transfer my laundry from the washer to the dryer. I heard the children and the husband talking and I heard the husband issue the standard warning of the evening:

"Girl Child, if you don't finish your food before TheAssignedTime, you will have to take the puppy out by yourself."

The children always take the dog out together. And take the trash out together. Also? Boy Child goes to Girl Scout meetings. My point is, there are pretty much attached at the hip. Having to do something alone is akin to cutting off a limb. At least when you are twins, I guess.

Every evening the warning is slightly different. But there is always a warning. Always.

Jason then turns on the television. To FOX NEWS.

I am not a fan of the Fox News. In fact, I don't care for any news on television because it just annoys me. I like to read my news; the local newspaper so I can find out who shot out what red-light cameras this week, and the internet for my CNN fix. I think the television news has just become something I really don't care for. I'll watch it from time to time, but I generally get annoyed and disgusted and turn it off.

But he likes the news. He would watch news twenty-four/seven. Because apparently and unbeknown to me, he's a two-hundred year old man who likes prunes and has prostate issues and likes to complain about things he can't change. Like the weather.

Okay, not really. But he likes the news.

Apparently the children were sneaking glances at the television while eating. Our floor plan is open and our living room and kitchen are side by side, so the television is easily visible. I heard Jason give the children a warning to stop watching television while they were eating.

And really? What did he expect? Children see the television and think, "Oooh. Shiny Picture box". They don't give a crap what's on. It's tv! Of course they will look.

It was quiet for a moment and then I heard the children protesting loudly and in unison,

"DAD! OH MY GOD! STOP! GROSS! GROOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSS! DAD!!!!"

I went into the living room and there was Jason.

Standing in front of the television.

With his pants off his butt.

Mooning the children.


"Jason," I said.

That was all I could say.

Boy Child shrieked, "WE DO NOT WANT TO SEE THAT!"
Girl Child added, "YEAH! WE DO NOT NEED TO SEE DAD'S HAIRY BUTT!"

I said nothing for a moment and then,

"Exactly why....are the children seeing your hairy butt?"

He smiled, pleased with himself. "I figured they wouldn't look over here at the tv if my ass was blocking it!"

Brilliant.

"Jason," I said. And stopped.

"It's the best plan ever!" he said, gleefully.




"Jason," I said,



"I am so blogging about this."

32 comments:

Morgan Leigh said...

wow.

:)

(_i_)

J said...

And thank god you did blog it, Chick. Or else? I may not have been able to fill my giggle quota for the day!!!!

Heather said...

oh my goodness! :)

Do the kids WANT to do everything together? I mean, you don't MAKE them?

Sarcasta-Mom said...

I'm on the job hunt myself. I'm WAY overdue.....

I can't believe you use seperating your kids as a punishment. The only time my two enjoy spending time together is when they're locked in mortal combat. lol.

And the butt. Seriously, best plan ever. LMAO.

stepmomof2 said...

I love it! We have the same problem here with Brad not eating. The boy can seriously take thirty minutes plus to finish a bowl of cereal!

dawn224 said...

kickass. :) (pun intended, but not as a direction of what to do to Jason.)

Angie said...

Okay, lots of times, I think I can see where a "chick" post is going. ...either by the tone, or the title.

Today's truly took me by surprise. Never DREAMED it was going that direction! : )

Jessica said...

That is hysterical...but wrong. Where do men come up with these ideas??

nailgirl said...

My kids would be so tramatized that theymight need therapy if the Mr did that. I mean the man is always sportin crack but to completely drop trou..... horrifying to say the least.

Kimberly said...

He is so, so lucky you didn't have a camera handy...or the inclination to use it. Oh, and I'm grateful for that as well.

Tee hee.

Mommy Cracked said...

Oh my hell! THAT is hysterical!! I'm so proud you left me a comment today at my blog. I'm a huge fan of yours! I love your writing style and the great way to post stuff. You rawk!

my4kids said...

Haha totally sounds like my hubby! Yes he's done it before!

About the eating thing. I was that child and am still that adult. For me one reason is that I like to enjoy my meal and another is even when I was younger I would get an upset stomach when I ate very quickly. Slowing down helped that. So for me I've rarely tried to make the kids eat quicker they have similar issues and for Madison she just takes her time doing most things. Just saying from the side of the camp who eats very slowly and totally drives her hubby nuts with it.

I wish a threat to seperate the kids would work around here but if I said that any one of them would jump for joy!

J said...

OMG!! I totally almost jsut cried! I read your blogroll...and well? I made it. I MADE THE CUT.

I? am in the club.

Oh, what a feeling.

Jocelyn said...

I would look at Jason's hairy butt FOREVER before I'd look at Fox News (or let my kids).

Sigh.

I'm really sorry, Chick, for the suck that is your worklife right now. Just send out a kajillion resumes and see if something else pops up. You do need release.

Jenty said...

Oh I love it. That's just the funniest! I can imagine the looks on their faces.

Tiger Lamb Girl said...

Omg, I'm gagging laughter here.

I'd love to have seen his face when he heard you say that. LMAO.

Tiger Lamb Girl said...

Omg! Okay, I already said that, but hey! I just realised you added me to your blogroll;).

I hope next week is so much better, Chick. Really, I do. There is a great job out there just for you. I'm gonna say a prayer that the right doors are opened and the wrong doors are shut so you find your way. SOON!

Veronica (Sleepless Nights) said...

'I am so blogging' this has become my catch-cry.

Glad that it isn't just me!

Sandy C. said...

ROFL!!! I would have blogged about it too..and maybe snuck in a pic if possible ;)

Good luck with the job hunt.

Karen and Bill said...

And he did this because . . . turning off the TV would be too easy?!?!?

Men are so weird sometimes. You know what they say . . . can't live with 'em -- can't kill 'em!

Gee, I crack myself up sometimes.

LOL

Lisa said...

so nice i can't help but read ya' twice

bahahaaaahaaaaahaaaa jason's butt...bahaaaahaaaaaaaa

MilitaryMom said...

I found you o Ask and Ye Shall Receive, and I am so glad! You are hysterical! So glad to meet you, keep it up! I'll definately be back daily...

Mikey said...

giggle, snort, lol
THAT is the perfect man, hairy butt and all!

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

Woot. That is such a hubby thing to do. Actually since our house runs bassackwards, I would've done that. Hubby would've been appalled. And, I still would've blogged it.

Thanks for adding me to the blogroll.

Kelly M said...

That is hysterical!! I'm so glad you blogged about it too....way funny! :)

Edie said...

HILARIOUS!! :)

It totally sounds like something my husband would do. :)

theotherbear said...

Hahahaha!

Dawn~a~Bon said...

THAT'S IT! I'm installing a camera in your house. The footage will earn me MILLIONS.

Amy W said...

PRICELESS!

SJ said...

Sounds like an evening dinner conversation in my house - love it!

Karin's Korner said...

Chick....

Exactly what my husband would have done. And, like your family we have the 11 year old girl that eats (picks) slowly and the 14 year old boy that eats like he is never going to see another meal again, usually done before I have taken 5 bites AND a husband that also eats fast. The difference between our familys are only that the children are not twins but they are my step children and my husbands biological children. We have them every other weekend and he would SOOOOOO moon them, not even so that they would not watch the television, although he will almost die laughing when I tell him about this.

I so wish you could move back to NC, we would have so much fun!!

Rachel said...

This post? TOTALLY MADE MY DAY!!!!!