Disclaimer: This? By far? Has been the hardest part to write. I know that this, out of everything, is really putting myself out there.
It is what it is. I can't apologize for it, nor can I explain it. It just is what it is.
It was Thursday, March 19th, 1998.
I woke up and I felt…strange.
I can’t even describe how I felt, really. Just strange. Weird. Floaty.
I had a doctor’s appointment. I had one every other day. Due to my tendency to pass out, I was afraid to drive, but I had no one to drive me, so I went.
I was sitting on the examining room table. My eyes wouldn’t focus.
The doctor walked in, looking at my chart. He didn’t even look up at me and he commented, “You’ve gained a LOT of weight, haven’t you?”
I said, quietly, “Could you please just look me?”
He did. His face went pale.
I was admitted to the hospital that night. I was waiting in…I don’t know what it was. It wasn’t a waiting room, but it wasn’t exactly a hospital room either. I don’t know. I can’t remember. I do remember there was a girl there who was also pregnant. God, she was so cute. She was short and had short brown hair and the cutest nose I’ve ever seen. She and I talked. It was her first pregnancy too, but she only had one baby. Her husband came and then her parents and then her husband’s parents. They closed the curtain around here and all stood talking in hushed tones and I heard her tell everyone, “That girl over there is having twins” and then she said, softly, “She’s all alone”.
I was so ashamed.
I went into a private room later that night. I borrowed the nurse’s cell phone to call my parents in North Carolina, so they would know where I was. I called my husband and he came at around midnight but did not stay. I don’t remember much of that night. I slept, fitfully.
The next day I realized the toxemia was getting worse. My head hurt. My vision was getting worse. And the scariest, worst thing? My son wasn’t moving as much.
I know that sounds strange, but I knew exactly which baby was which. I knew which one was Girl Child and which one was Boy Child. I knew that Girl Child had hiccups every single night and Boy Child got them around 2pm, without fail. I would put a little tape player next to my stomach and play Mozart and Girl Child would kick enthusiastically. Boy Child was more relaxed. Also? A Bee Gees fan, but I didn’t know that until later.
That day was hard. One of the hardest days of my life. Because I was talking and people were "listening", but I wasn't being heard.
I called my husband and pretty much begged him to come and stay there with me. I know how pathetic that is, but that is what I did. I didn’t have anyone else.
I was scared. I was alone. Everyone, including God, had forsaken me.
Around 2 o’clock in the morning I was sitting up in my bed listening to my husband snore. Sleep would not come. My heart felt so heavy.
I didn’t feel real. My soul felt disconnected from my body.
The door to my room opened. I looked over and saw a blurry woman, wearing white.
Another nurse, I assumed, and prepared myself for yet another assault to my veins. Endlessly, they were drawing blood, endlessly taking my blood pressure, endlessly taking to me, asking if I was okay, urging me to drink something, eat something.
The woman floated over to my bed. Floated is the only way I know how to describe it.
Terrified, I said my husband’s name. He did not stir.
Even more terrified, I said my husband’s name LOUDLY. He did not stir.
I was absolutely in shock. I just couldn’t figure out what was happening.
The woman stood at the end of my bed, and touched my foot. I could physically feel her touch me.
Immediately, I was flooded with the most overwhelming feeling of calm. Just a peace and serenity that I absolutely cannot explain and never will be able too.
She did not speak, not ever. But I could feel her. I could hear her.
I will never leave you, nor forsake you.
I had a sense that someone was behind me, a feeling. No one could have possibly been behind me, because the bed was pushed up against the wall, but yet I tilted my head upward and leaning over me, was another woman, absolutely identical to the woman at the foot of the bed.
She touched my head.
Peace be with you.
I closed my eyes and let their love flow over me.
For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I could feel myself falling asleep. I felt, for the first time in a very long time, that I was okay.
That no matter what, I was going to be okay. I did not know that I was fighting for my life and for the life of my son. All I knew was that it would all be okay. I was calm. I was serene. I had an incredible feeling of peace.
It occurred to me, in that last moment before I went to sleep, that the angels?
I know some people don’t believe in God and I know that even some people who do believe in God don’t believe in angels. I also know that I was, literally, dying at that moment. My kidneys were failing, my body was shutting down. I know that my vision was blurry and I was tired and a million other reasons that the two women I saw weren’t real at all.
That moment? I needed them to be real. I needed the comfort that came with it. I know some people will think it was a dream. Maybe it was. I don’t know. Maybe it was a hallucination. Maybe it was nothing at all.
It was just what I needed it to be. Right then.
It was strength, it was peace, and it was calm.
And it didn’t come from me.