Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Peace.

Disclaimer: This? By far? Has been the hardest part to write. I know that this, out of everything, is really putting myself out there.

It is what it is. I can't apologize for it, nor can I explain it. It just is what it is.


Part 11

It was Thursday, March 19th, 1998.

I woke up and I felt…strange.

I can’t even describe how I felt, really. Just strange. Weird. Floaty.

I had a doctor’s appointment. I had one every other day. Due to my tendency to pass out, I was afraid to drive, but I had no one to drive me, so I went.

I was sitting on the examining room table. My eyes wouldn’t focus.

The doctor walked in, looking at my chart. He didn’t even look up at me and he commented, “You’ve gained a LOT of weight, haven’t you?”

I said, quietly, “Could you please just look me?”

He did. His face went pale.



I was admitted to the hospital that night. I was waiting in…I don’t know what it was. It wasn’t a waiting room, but it wasn’t exactly a hospital room either. I don’t know. I can’t remember. I do remember there was a girl there who was also pregnant. God, she was so cute. She was short and had short brown hair and the cutest nose I’ve ever seen. She and I talked. It was her first pregnancy too, but she only had one baby. Her husband came and then her parents and then her husband’s parents. They closed the curtain around here and all stood talking in hushed tones and I heard her tell everyone, “That girl over there is having twins” and then she said, softly, “She’s all alone”.

I was so ashamed.

I went into a private room later that night. I borrowed the nurse’s cell phone to call my parents in North Carolina, so they would know where I was. I called my husband and he came at around midnight but did not stay. I don’t remember much of that night. I slept, fitfully.

The next day I realized the toxemia was getting worse. My head hurt. My vision was getting worse. And the scariest, worst thing? My son wasn’t moving as much.

I know that sounds strange, but I knew exactly which baby was which. I knew which one was Girl Child and which one was Boy Child. I knew that Girl Child had hiccups every single night and Boy Child got them around 2pm, without fail. I would put a little tape player next to my stomach and play Mozart and Girl Child would kick enthusiastically. Boy Child was more relaxed. Also? A Bee Gees fan, but I didn’t know that until later.

That day was hard. One of the hardest days of my life. Because I was talking and people were "listening", but I wasn't being heard.

I called my husband and pretty much begged him to come and stay there with me. I know how pathetic that is, but that is what I did. I didn’t have anyone else.

I was scared. I was alone. Everyone, including God, had forsaken me.


Around 2 o’clock in the morning I was sitting up in my bed listening to my husband snore. Sleep would not come. My heart felt so heavy.

I didn’t feel real. My soul felt disconnected from my body.

The door to my room opened. I looked over and saw a blurry woman, wearing white.

Another nurse, I assumed, and prepared myself for yet another assault to my veins. Endlessly, they were drawing blood, endlessly taking my blood pressure, endlessly taking to me, asking if I was okay, urging me to drink something, eat something.

The woman floated over to my bed. Floated is the only way I know how to describe it.

Terrified, I said my husband’s name. He did not stir.

Even more terrified, I said my husband’s name LOUDLY. He did not stir.

I was absolutely in shock. I just couldn’t figure out what was happening.

The woman stood at the end of my bed, and touched my foot. I could physically feel her touch me.

Immediately, I was flooded with the most overwhelming feeling of calm. Just a peace and serenity that I absolutely cannot explain and never will be able too.

She did not speak, not ever. But I could feel her. I could hear her.

I will never leave you, nor forsake you.

I had a sense that someone was behind me, a feeling. No one could have possibly been behind me, because the bed was pushed up against the wall, but yet I tilted my head upward and leaning over me, was another woman, absolutely identical to the woman at the foot of the bed.
She touched my head.

Peace be with you.

I closed my eyes and let their love flow over me.

For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I could feel myself falling asleep. I felt, for the first time in a very long time, that I was okay.
That no matter what, I was going to be okay. I did not know that I was fighting for my life and for the life of my son. All I knew was that it would all be okay. I was calm. I was serene. I had an incredible feeling of peace.

It occurred to me, in that last moment before I went to sleep, that the angels?

Were twins.




I know some people don’t believe in God and I know that even some people who do believe in God don’t believe in angels. I also know that I was, literally, dying at that moment. My kidneys were failing, my body was shutting down. I know that my vision was blurry and I was tired and a million other reasons that the two women I saw weren’t real at all.

That moment? I needed them to be real. I needed the comfort that came with it. I know some people will think it was a dream. Maybe it was. I don’t know. Maybe it was a hallucination. Maybe it was nothing at all.

It was just what I needed it to be. Right then.

It was strength, it was peace, and it was calm.


And it didn’t come from me.

43 comments:

mom2twoangels said...

I just teared up reading that. I believe in God and I believe he sends signs in the way that person needs those signs at that moment. I would never question someone's experiences with God.

HUGS and thank you for sharing all of this!!

-Heather

Queen Mommy said...

I believe. He takes care of us always, even if we think He has forgotten us. He is always there. You are a brave, brave woman and by the Grace of God go you.

Wondering Woman said...

God's ways are beyond us. The stars hang in the sky, we don't understand how or why, but we know they do. Anything is possible.

PaintedPromise said...

awesome - i believe!!!

Kimberly said...

I believe. Specifically, I believe that those on the other side are able to visit us here, to bring us much needed help and hope.

And I'm not surprised you were blessed with a visitation like that. You are an incredible woman, wife, and mother. God had and continues to have plans for you. I'm so glad that you have that memory you can grab hold of on the bad days.

You wrote that so beautifully. And I know it must have been so hard.

SJ said...

I've been there - that moment in which you are floating, unaware that you are letting go. I've been there. I know what you are talking about.

Things happen for a reason. I'm glad the angels visited you - I'm glad that you hung in there.

Although I know this was hard to write, you've touched me. It was beautiful. It was surreal.

JustRandi said...

I completely believe those were angels from God. I'm so glad you finally got some comfort and some peace.

MilitaryMom said...

Stunningly beautiful writing. And I believe every word, because I know that angels exist. My heart is aching for the woman you was, but I am rejoicing for the woman you became.

Keetha said...

Oh. That brought tears. It was so powerful. I appreciate your sharing this. It must be incredibly painful to relive all this - you're such a strong, brave person to have made it through what you did.

Ms Kim said...

You are a very brave woman. Both then and now. I adore you.

Morgan Leigh said...

I believe that God sent you what you needed the most. A word from God. He didn't leave you, he was there for you. What a wonderful experience.

I'm crying for you, I'm praying that you have the strength to continue to write this.

Bunny said...

Chick, I am crying right now because I can feel that these angels were there and that God was speaking through you. I am feeling, relieved, I guess, because someone, somewhere was watching over you. This must be an incredibly difficult thing for you to write about, but please know that I am so grateful that you are sharing it.

Heather @ Desperately Seeking Sanity said...

So no wonder you didn't think my Moses dreams were so weird. How totally awesome was this... I mean, not that you weren't doing well and the sperm donor wasn't being nice, but that you were calmed. That is wonderful...

I'm enjoying (for lack of a better word) your story... it's so similar to mine... But I? Don't have the courage to write it.

J said...

Wow. I got the shivers just reading that. I believe that the angels were with you that night, and I am glad they were. I'm so sorry you had to do all of that alone, Chick. You were so young, it's just not right.

theotherbear said...

Wow. What an amazing moving story.

Pgoodness said...

well, you finally brought me to tears. your story is amazing - your strength is beautiful. And the writing thing? pretty damn good! how about just writing a book about this??

Rita said...

Miracles result from a shift in perception. I believe you. Have courage.

Suzy said...

Chick, that story also brought me to tears. I know those were angels and I know there are some for all of us. There are way too many documented stories of people seeing others that no one else sees, and who saved their life, or took them out of harm's way.

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

I truly believe and I know that the comfort you were given was for a reason. It is when we are at our darkest hour that we find peace. I've been there.

Angie said...

I tried to comment a few hours ago -- and blogger kicked me out.

You invoked my favorite verse of all. . . Jeremiah 29:11. As you know, I'm still walking a path that is hard to walk right now. But, God truly has a plan. And, he truly IS intimately involved and interested in our lives.

Thanks for sharing this with us.

frannie said...

so beautiful-- and I believe in you and in Angels.

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

I believe.

You are truly blessed.

Christy said...

I can't even find the words to express what I'm feeling reading this entry. I'm so moved. I totally believe what you experienced. I know, firsthand, that God speaks to us in weird & mysterious ways.
Just...wow.

The Huffs said...

Oh, my dear, those were definitely angels! And God sent them to you, to let you know that He was there, and that you weren't alone. He knew what you needed. One time, a friend of mine was at the lowest point in her life, feeling all alone and despairing, as you were. She was standing in the shower, crying her heart out. She said that the shower just fell away, and Jesus appeared to her, floating there just outside where the shower door should have been. He spoke to her and told her He would always be with her. It was an incredible experience. When my mother-in-law lay dying in hospice last summer, you could feel the angels everywhere, all over the hospice. They were hovering over her bed, and in the corners of the room.

I've read your tale with lots of emotion, but this one made me cry. You are so incredibly lucky. You got angels, darlin'! Angels.

Wow.

I am Trish Marie said...

I always read through the comments before I post anything. Habit, I suppose. The thing that struck me, and hopefully you too, is how not one person has doubted you. Amazing, isn't it? And reading your disclaimer, it seems like you expected no one to believe you.

And FYI, when I was in a bad situation, my then two-year-old started talking to an "imaginary friend." One who happened to have my dead grandfather's name, his interests, and tell her random facts about our family that she couldn't possibly know. There is more to the story (that one day I will tell), but this isn't about me now. It is about you. I just wanted to share that with you to show you these things definitely happen, and they happen for a reason.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

WHOA

That's pretty much all I can articulate right now.

WHOA

Kimberlie said...

I too believe in angels...my husband and I almost lost our five day old daughter and in the emergency room that night there where two ladies sitting in an empty room next to us. They looked like you and I. Got up and told us that everything would be alright, gave us a hug and sat down again in the dark room next to us. My husband and I hugged one another,turned around and the room next to us was empty...The only way out of that emergency room was for them to go through the hallway that we were standing in. At the time we didn't understand but a few days later when everything was alright, that's when we knew, Angels were there to help us through. I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

I believe in you and think your an awesome person. From what I can see, you are so blessed to have so many people care so much about you. I am one of those people.
(My husband enjoys reading your blog too,usually it's over my shoulder). Take care

Jocelyn said...

Complete goosebumps here.

You are amazing.

Robyn said...

I got goosebumps. Major goosebumps.

nailgirl said...

Chica... You and I believe so very differently but that doesn't stop us from appreciating each other. i dont believe in God, but I do believe in Karma and angels. Someone was truy on your side that day. Bless you :)

Kelly M said...

Wow -- Amazing! I got chills reading that!

stepmomof2 said...

Amazing! I do believe in God and angels too. This gave me chills! Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Lil Mouse said...

wow. you made me cry... sigh.. i'm so glad you had someone to help you.. encourage you.. comfort you.. i'm so glad god touched your life..

Edie said...

Tears are streaming down my face and I'm covered in chills...

I believe.

Sleeping Mommy said...

That gave me chills.

There are moments that are not meant to be explained. That's why we have faith.

Gypsy said...

Wow. Just... wow.

Amy W said...

That gave me chills as well...and I believe in God and I believe he was with you in that room that night...

Jenty said...

wow! Incredible!
I think you should publish this whole story actually

~Sheryl said...

It was what you needed to hear and feel at that time. That makes it real.

dawn224 said...

: )

Sparkling Red said...

Yes, I know the peace you are speaking of. I never even knew that I could pray for it until just this past year. I have only told one person. You are brave to share so much.

Stephanie said...

That is my favorite verse ever. For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Indeed.

Angels? Absolutely.

CPA Mom said...

I believe you. Those angels were just as real as my late husband who came to me the day after he died. No one believed me. But to God, all things are possible.