Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Out.

Part 10

He wanted out, but he wouldn’t leave.

It was HIS house. HE was paying the mortgage, (I had lost my job early in my pregnancy and when I found out I was having twins, he and I agreed that it wouldn’t make financial sense to put two babies in daycare and I should just stay home and take it easy and then stay home with them when they came) and every penny that he made was HIS. He could come and go as he pleased and I didn’t get to say one damn word about it.

So he would go. He would be gone and I had no idea where he was.

I knew he was drinking.

He was putting 500 or more miles on his car every single weekend.

And I suspected there was someone else.

His parents were local, but no help. His mom and dad basically just said, “It’s your problem, you need to work it out”. Of course this was in-between his mom’s comments to me about how “usually one twin dies” and my frequent hospital stays.

Drifting. I was drifting.

I lost thirty pounds. I could wear my regular blue jeans. No one who saw me could tell I was pregnant.

Not that I saw a lot of people. I didn’t have a job. I didn’t talk to anyone, except my parents who, considering the circumstances, probably grew tired of talking to me and listening to me cry. My friends were tired of it too. I imagine it gets tiring hearing about someone who is in trouble who can’t or won’t fix it. For whatever reason.

Most of my days were spent walking up and down the hall of my house. Crying and praying.

I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t get a job. I was ordered on bedrest, ordered to be safe and careful and cautious. Ordered to stay calm and not be stressed.

My heart raced twenty-four hours a day. I couldn’t sleep. I cried and prayed and cried and prayed.

I lay on my face and prayed to God.

Why are you doing this to me? WHY?

And there was no answer.

I was weak and pathetic. I was really disgustingly pathetic. I absolutely could not see that there was another answer. There was nowhere for me to go.

I wasn’t eating well, if at all. My blood pressure went higher and higher. My husband would come home periodically to ridicule me, but I never knew where he was or who he was with. I started writing, furiously, stories of a man who was cheating on his wife and tried to have her killed. The ending was always beautiful. The woman and the private eye ended up married, happy. The cheating man was in jail. The women he was cheating with never loved him at all.

I went to church and sat in the pews and felt nothing. Nothing at all.

Then, suddenly, I gained a huge amount of weight. Water weight, I thought. My feet and hands were swollen. My face looked like a basketball.

I was about six months pregnant. And I? Developed a nasty habit of passing out.

One night I passed out and fell onto my stomach on the bedroom floor. I have no idea how long I was there. Literally I don’t know if it was fifteen minutes or fifteen hours.

I woke up to my husband, kicking me in the legs.

It took me a moment to focus, to understand what was going on.

Finally I said, “Why are you kicking me?”

And he said and I will never forget these words as long as I'm alive, “I thought you were dead and I didn’t want to touch the body”.


I think he wished I was dead.


At that moment, so did I.

33 comments:

Morgan Leigh said...

You were not pathetic. You were scared. You didn't know what you were going to do. And that? Is not pathetic.

nailgirl said...

Aww chick.

J said...

Oh, Chick.

((((HUGS!))))

Toritopia said...

I agree with morgan leigh. You were not pathetic. You were scared and trying to figure things out.

By the way, love the new pic. You look beautiful and most importantly...happy. :)

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

Oh man! My heart hurts for you.

Over the time I've gotten to know you I have discovered that you are beautiful, both inside and out.

This is a difficult story to read. I can only try to imagine what it must be like to write it.

Blessings.

frannie said...

I agree with Alpha Dude... I can't imagine how hard it is to relive this. You poor thing!!!

I am Trish Marie said...

When you are in the situation, there is hard to see that there are other options. The only option you can think of is that somehow you have to fix the situation that you are in. Not get out. Not make life altering changes. Just do something to fix it. You aren't the only who does that. Everyone does it at some point in their lives. It isn't pathetic, it just is. The only pathetic one is your ex. Not you.

It is sad really that someone has to go through so much trouble to make someone else miserable because they hate themselves so much. Of course, if I were an ass like your ex, I would hate myself too!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

This has been so difficult to read, which has caused me not to comment, because I haven't had the words.

But, hon.

You weren't pathetic. I, too, have twins (boy and girl, like you) and I remember the pregnancy being one of utter, complete, and total paranoia. I can't imagine having that on top of Mr. Asshole to deal with.

If you still know where that guy lives, let me know. I want to smack him!

Get it out. Get the story out. We're here with you now and you're not alone.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

Your ex is a pimple on a boil on the butt of the universe. Some people aren't worth the air they breathe.

Sabrina said...

Good God, please tell me there's a happy ending where his man parts just fall off?

JustRandi said...

That is the coldest thing I have ever heard.
I am SO glad to know he is gone from your life.

Sarcasta-Mom said...

So seriously, when are you going to publish this man's name and address so we can all go over and kick him in the legs a few times?

It's no wonder you felt helpless. It's amazing that you're now the strong woman you are today.

Le Petite Redhead said...

There's a special place in hell for men like this. I say we all find this guy and give him a one way ticket to that special place!!

Seriously Chick, I don't know how you did it. I am so very impressed by your strength and courage to put all this out there to all of us. You walked thru the fire and came out the other side stronger and wiser. Thank you for sharing with us.

Now, when are we going to go teach Mr. No-Balls a lesson?

The Huffs said...

What Petite Redhead said. A very special place in hell for that guy. He'll get his, one way or another.

The good news, is that you're happy now. And he? Is not. He will never be happy. And he has to live out the rest of his miserable existence as a really poor excuse for a human being. He is lower than pond scum. He makes trailer trash look good! He deserves a very slow and painful death.

I know wwhat you mean about being so suck-ass miserable and depressed, and feeling like everyone's deserted you. Your friends, your parents, and people do get tired of whining and crying. Sometimes you just wish someone would pick you up, set you on your feet, dust you off and tell you what to do next.

But as adults, we have to do that ourselves before anyone else helps us. Feeling sorry for ourselves and throwing ourselves a huge pity party gets us nowhere. I know; I've been there too. Unfortunately, when you're that low, and everyone is avoiding you beause you're blowing snot-bubbles and crying all the time, it makes you feel like you can't crawl out of the ginormous hole you've dug yourself. Depression feeds on itself. But you know this. You lived it. But you managed to crawl out, and that is so incredibly wonderful.

Catwoman said...

Wow, I can't even imagine how hard it is for you to write all of this and put it out there for the world to see. Hopefully it's therapeutic for you, hopefully it helps you completely shut that sad chapter of your life completely, once and for all.

You are a survivor. And those twins are so extremely lucky to have you for a mother. If they're half as strong as you, they are destined for amazing things.

sterlingirl said...

I just want to know I admire you for writing your story. I'm reading, just not commenting.

rookiemom said...

Oh my god. That sent chills down my back. Hard to believe anyone that cruel can actually live with themselves. I agree, I hope his man parts have fallen off.

But you? Don't doubt your awesomeness. I know how hard it is to make such huge changes and just be done with a guy. It doesn't matter how many people tell you, just go, or what your common sense tells you...it's just not that easy.

Shar said...

You had so very much to be frightened about. Any one of those given things is stressful and you, you poor honey, had them all piled up on top of you.

You are such a crazy strong woman... You're my current hero.

Robyn said...

I haven't commented thus far, I wanted to wait till the end of your story, but had to comment this time.

I am so so sorry that you went thru this. Noone should ever be treated like this. I mean..OMG..My heart just sinks lower and lower every time I read.

I do have to say tho, you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for because any other person in that situation would have given up a loonggg time ago.

Karin's Korner said...

I don't know if this ass is going to heaven or hell, not for me to decide but what I do know with all of my heart is that wherever he goes, he will have some explaining to do and will not be happy with the outcome.

Chick~ my heart breaks for you. How terrible to not only live this but now to write it all out and tell us about it. Just know that you have many many friends that care about you and that love you very much and then....take a look around...go ahead...I will wait...........See that wonderful husband you have over there.... and those beautiful children? All three are gifts from God. And that my friend is true blessings.

Heather said...

again....oh. my. goodness.

Kimberly said...

This all feels so fresh. I'm crying as if I'm watching it happen before my eyes...unable to do anything to help...

Jenski said...

It is awful that such hurtful things that are said and done to us stick with us so relentlessly. I am sure that these memories are extremely vivid for you and there is no way to adequatly say how much that sucks.
{sending hugs and happy thoughts your way!}

Emma in Canada said...

Pathetic? No, I think you were- and are- quite possibly the strongest person I know. Even if it was killing you then, and the retelling of it now is knowcking you for sixes, you are still so strong.

stepmomof2 said...

Whoa! I've been reading daily, but haven't taken the time to comment yet. I can't believe that he was so heartless toward you, what a prick! I'm so glad that we all know that the story has a happy ending and you are truly with a good man now. I love your writing and say screw anybody who doesn't :-)

Sparkling Red said...

Words just can't do justice...
I'm sorry that you suffered so much. You must be incredibly strong. I don't think I would have survived.

Kelly M said...

Wow..you are one strong woman to be able to survive such abuse!! I'm so sorry you had to go through that all by yourself. NO ONE deserves that treatment..NOONE! You were so the opposite of pathetic...you were a survivor..a strong woman...

PaintedPromise said...

holy moses. how anyone can be that mean... no he won't have a special place in hell - he will have HIS VERY OWN hell, there is no one else bad enough to share with him!

and i hope he goes there soon!

SJ said...

I'm running out of things to say because truly I am at a loss for words.

I'm listening though.

Hugs to you....

theotherbear said...

I'm not sure I could have coped or gotten through that.

Angie said...

I made the "mistake" of reading this post after the one that came before it. . . so I knew there was a special thing coming.

Bless you, my friend.

Edie said...

OMG!! Why didn't you run far far away?!?!?!

No one deserves this kind of crap. :(

Stephanie said...

Seriously. Do you know where he is right now? Because I would like to find him. And kick him. HARD.