Monday, January 28, 2008

Worse.

Part 9

I thought that was as bad as it could get.

But I was wrong.

Because, “I don’t love you anymore”? Quickly became, “I never loved you at all” and was just as quickly followed by, “No one ever loved you. Your own PARENTS don’t even love you”.
Everything that I had ever shared with him because fodder for a verbal assault. Every problem I had ever had. I was fat, I was ugly, and no one would ever love me. If I ever thought that anyone would want to marry me with two babies? I was sorely mistaken. HE hadn’t wanted to marry me and I had no kids when he begrudgingly did so.

No one wants you. No one loves you. No one ever will.

Still, I clung blindly, stupidly to the hope that he was just scared. He was just afraid of having children. Once he saw the babies he would realize what a fool he was being and love me and love them and we’d finally have the family I had always dreamed of.

I was sure of it.

Maybe.



As bad as all that was? It got even worse.

The worst morning? Was the one in which I woke up, went to the restroom and found that I was bleeding.

I went to the doctor for yet another ultrasound. I was crying. I remember crying. I remember thinking, “I can’t lose them too” and "Why am I losing everything?"

The ultrasound tech was kind and reassuring.

“Look,” she said, pointing. “You’re okay! You are OKAY. Here’s baby A and here’s baby B and here’s baby C.”



Excuse me?



Did she just say baby C?




Um. Triplets?




The doctor came in, quickly, and took a look at the third baby.

Which, of course, was not a baby at all.

Instead? It was a tumor.

A week later, the tumor was the size of a softball. And growing.

The doctor encouraged me to have an abortion so that “thing” could come out. Because, well, we didn’t know if it would kill me or not, frankly. My mother had battled cancer. I had my own myriad of “problems”. This could be absolutely nothing, or it could be a big-ass honking cancerous tumor that killed me in six months.

And there was absolutely no way I could find out, without having an abortion.


I refused.


I went home and my parents were there. I can’t remember why they were visiting, but they were there.

I could barely stand. I was so overwhelmed. I was crying so hard.

That night, after my parents went to sleep, my husband, who was forced to sleep in the same room as me because my parents were visiting said to me,

“I don’t love you, I’ve never loved you, and I never will love you. I called a lawyer about divorcing you and I can’t because you are pregnant. As soon as you have these babies, I’m divorcing you.”

I had two babies and a tumor that threatened their lives and mine. And he decided that was the day to tell me he was divorcing me.

I cried and cried. He left the house. My parents slept on.

I so desperately wanted someone to come and comfort me. Someone to hold me and tell me that everything would be okay.


But no one did.

30 comments:

Kellie said...

I don't know what I feel more of: the strong urge to want to come hug you and tell you how beautiful, strong and amazing you or or the intense urge to hunt him down and remove his kidneys before I give him a swift kick in the balls.

Oh, that's right. I can't kick him in the balls. He clearly doesn't have any!

Kimberly said...

Jason must want to hurt this guy. A lot.

There isn't anyone in the world I hate enough to want them to go through the pain and sorrow you have. So sorry I didn't know you then. ~hugs~

Angie said...

You are going to get even more than my mere words telling you how courageous you were (and ARE) as you re-live this horror.

There has got to be a circle in hell reserved for (ahem) human beings (and that's a stretch) like this ex-husband of yours.

I keep praying that reliving this situation is good for you. I know it has changed my perspective on so many levels. I just pray that you continue to be strong enough to withstand this flood of horrid memories.

. . .of course, when you get bogged down, you can just go kiss Boy Child & Girl Child on top of the head, and celebrate the DOUBLE BLESSING that they are!!

I applaud you.... on so many levels.

. . .oh, and when you're done with this, it will be time for some "kick-butt" funny open letters! : )

Beckie said...

Oh my....I wish I could have done something for you back then. I lived in that "neck of the woods" during that time frame and I didn't have any friends there.

That ex of yours was a special sort, wasn't he.....

I am Trish Marie said...

I don't think words can express how sorry I am for what you went through. Nor can words express what exactly I think of your ex. Well, actually, I have a few choice words. Non of them which I will use in the comments of your blog!

Jenski said...

Ditto to anything I or other commenters have said throughout this story. That ex of yours? No nuts. I may just refer to him as "Ex-no-nuts". I'm glad that you have made it through such an emotionally abusive relationship. I hope that sharing the story, although maybe leading to some horrible dreams along the way, will help you let go of it a little more.

Lil Mouse said...

i agree with kellie. can we do like a castrate johnny club or something? jesus. (that was a prayer) i am reading this out loud to my husband and i can see him getting more and more upset. he says, for the record, i love you hon, and i said, no matter what.. and he giggled, well, yeah no matter what.. sigh... thanks for that, without your story i wouldnt have gotten that today. which is totally inane, but means the world to me right now..

PaintedPromise said...

man oh man chick, what i wouldn't give to be ale to turn back the clock and give you a hug right then and there...

judy in ky said...

There are no words...
I don't know how you survived it!
Thank goodness you kept the babies.

Morgan Leigh said...

If I would've known you, I would've been there for you to kick his sorry behind to the curb and tell him to get a life. We love you Chick, and you are such a strong and wonderful woman. He? Was an ass.

Christy said...

I wish I would have known you. I would have hugged you & made you tea and brushed your hair and told you how amazing and wonderful you are & how amazing of a mother you were going to be. I'm sitting here crying now - I've never even MET YOU - and my heart breaks. You SHOULD have had someone there. Someone who would have helped you soothe the wounds he made & then poured salt into.
There are a whole buttload of ladies out here that, if we EVER encounter this douchebag in read life, we will castrate him WITH OUR HANDS. AFter we kick him in the kidneys.
You? Are truly, truly amazing. God, I hope you know that.

BS said...

I don't know what to say ... ((HUGS))

Stephanie said...

I know this isn't happening right now, that it's in the past, but I would so totally come and hug you and tell you that everything will be okay right NOW, just knowing that you're reliving this very ugly thing.

I'm so sorry you had someone like that in your life, except for the fact that you have amazing children now.

You're one seriously tough cookie, Chick. Respect. Seriously.

J said...

I seriously want to hurt this man.

You are so strong, it's amazing.

Emma in Canada said...

My God. A tumour. While pregnant. I don't even know what to say.

Well, actually, I have a thousand questions but I'll wait to see if they get answered over the next few days.

Jan said...

This is almost too painful to read- I can't imagine what it must been like to live through it.

The Huffs said...

*sigh* I think my first husband was your ex's twin. Geesh. I got pregnant, because I so desperately wanted a baby and I thought if my then-husband would just SEE the baby he would be so happy and he would suddenly be grown up and want to be responsible, and would love me, and blah blah blah.

Yeah. I feel your pain. I lived your pain. I know it. Young, stupid, and codependent as hell.

The good news? Is we both found good men, and got through that mess. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. At least that's what I tell myself! LOL

Thanks for sharing. You are very brave and I admire you. Thank you for making me feel that I was not the only one to make stupid mistakes, and for clinging to a really bad relationship. It really helps.

The Huffs said...

*sigh* I think my first husband was your ex's twin. Geesh. I got pregnant, because I so desperately wanted a baby and I thought if my then-husband would just SEE the baby he would be so happy and he would suddenly be grown up and want to be responsible, and would love me, and blah blah blah.

Yeah. I feel your pain. I lived your pain. I know it. Young, stupid, and codependent as hell.

The good news? Is we both found good men, and got through that mess. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. At least that's what I tell myself! LOL

Thanks for sharing. You are very brave and I admire you. Thank you for making me feel that I was not the only one to make stupid mistakes, and for clinging to a really bad relationship. It really helps.

The Huffs said...

And also? I, too, call my ex the Ball-less Wonder. Because his current wife has his balls in her pocket. And he doesn't make a MOVE without consulting her.

Karmic revenge is sweet. Heh

Baby Island said...

Girl, I'll tell you what! I haven't read your blog in I don't know how long, but tonight for some odd reason I did.

I want you to know I've been there. We do emerge from that kind of personal hell. How amazing is that?

Oh, and we are beautiful and sexy and lovely and people do love us. Can you believe it?

There is nothing quite like sharing all and then having it thrown back at you in ugly moments. I have made a decision to never stop sharing despite that.

Never stop.

nailgirl said...

Where oh where was your mom? Did she not pump you up and tell you how very beautiful you were inside and out> Could you not confide in your parents?

nailgirl said...

Where oh where was your mom? Did she not pump you up and tell you how very beautiful you were inside and out> Could you not confide in your parents?

Mommy Cracked said...

Is it so wrong that I'd love to come jack this loser ex-husband up by his nads? Seriously, he sucks and I don't know him but I already hate him for the hell he put you through.

I just wanted to give you a hug and BIG kudos for writing all of this and sharing it. I know this is taking alot out of you and I commend your bravery.

Amira said...

I'm not even reading anyone else's comments, I'm just coming straight in to leave mine.

*Speechless*

Wow, Chick. Wow.

What you endured and survived through...

Our lives really do have some awful parallels, don't they?

But you know? Your life as it is now gives me hope--SO much hope. If you went through what you did, and God has now blessed you in life as he has, then maybe he will do the same for me.

Most importantly, though, is that YOU are alive now...in so many meanings of the word. It doesn't take away the pain or the memories, but thank GOD that time is no longer here.

Kelly M said...

HOLY SHIT! I'm completely Speechless!! You are definitely a survivor! My god..all you've been through...crap...{HUGS} I'm so sorry you had to deal with all that on your own!

theotherbear said...

Wow. He wants me to say VERY BAD words!

rookiemom said...

I just don't have any words.

Except to say, that I think it's safe to assume your scumbag ex's biggest fear ought to be running into a group of us mommy bloggers somewhere.

Jenty said...

I have no words to add. (((HUGS)))

Ashley said...

Oh sweet lord what I would do to that stupid stupid guy. He ...... clearly needed to be crotch punched! I seriously feel that in this moment I need some kind of medal for not cussing in the comments!

Rachel said...

I've been reading through all the posts. My heart just breaks for you. For the child that you were not allowed to be. For all of the heartache you went through. Alone. I cannot believe that he could treat anyone like that, much less someone as giving and loving as you are.