Sunday, February 10, 2008

Best. Show. Ever.

My love of all things television is well documented on this blog (and also, what I write over at Scrivel). I'm also quite certain that in all of my rambling on this blog I might have mentioned once or twice that even though I am Southern by birth and also by the Grace of God, that I do not care for the country music. The old school stuff like Johnny Cash and my personal heroes Dolly Parton and Patsy Cline, yes. People like...I don't even know their names. That really young pretty blond chick who's like, 12 or whatever and sings about heartbreak? No.

So anyway, I was flipping through the channels yesterday and paused on CMT long enough to find the absolute best program anyone could have ever dreamed up, ever. Seriously.

My Big Redneck Wedding.

Heck. Freaking. Yes.

Having been to a number of weddings which were decidedly redneck in nature, I thought it might be interesting to watch a program about people who declared themselves country and decided to have a wedding that reflected this. Rather than, you know, just not knowing any better and doing things really tackily.

Is tackily a word? I'm not sure. Also? I don't care.

Anyway, I tuned in about halfway through an episode featuring a couple called Gail and John. The first thing they were doing was making a beer-can archway for the wedding.

No, seriously. I'm totally not kidding.

They hauled this big metal archway into their trailer and decorated it with empty beer cans. When it didn't look quite full enough on top, John drank numerous beers, burped really loudly, and tossed the empty cans to Gail so she could fill in. Then? Seriously, then? They lit it up with Christmas lights.

John attempts to write his own vows which he reads to "Granny". I am uncertain if she was his granny or Gail's granny or just some old woman living with them. At one point in his vows he said that Gail was "hotter than a Hot Pocket" and Granny said, excitedly, "I love Hot Pockets!"

So does John, Granny. So does John.

In a life-altering scene they went to the florist to arrange for the wedding flowers. Gail, I noticed, was missing a number of teeth. Perhaps all of her top teeth, I'm not sure. Gail and John decided, much to the absolute horror of the florist, that they would make centerpieces using....wait for it....used beer cans!

When they left the florist? John announced he had to pee.

He peed Gail's name into the street.

I AM NOT KIDDING!

They didn't release doves at the ceremony. They released live chickens.

She ordered her wedding dress off the internet. She's a size 28. The dress was an 8. John was trying to bind her into it and told her to take a deep breath. It didn't work.

Gail could not find her teeth the morning of the ceremony. Her soon to be Mother-in-law? Offered to let her borrow her teeth.


Seriously. You read that correctly. BORROW HER TEETH.


Good. Gravy. This is my new favorite show ever.

Not just because it's hysterically wonderful and, let's face it, I know a lot of people like that. But also because the couples really, genuinely seemed to love one another. I got a little choked up when they were saying their vows and a little more choked up when she gave him a wedding present. Which was a bowling ball that said, I believe, "Think of me when you touch your ball".


Good times, everyone. Good. Times.

38 comments:

BS said...

This is something I just have to take a look at ! I can't believe I just bookmarked the site to go check out later !! Eastern shores of MD - that close to VA !! I will check that one out first. Thanks for leading me to some new reading material !!

theotherbear said...

That sounds very scary.

KiKi said...

I'm sorry, but you so made that up. Yes you did. YES. YOU. DID.

KiKi said...

;P

Megan said...

Should I even admit that I just saw the WHOLE episode?!

Kimberly said...

Reading that hurt my brain.

But in a strangely good way.

I so want to watch that show now.

Tulip Girl said...

I need to find that show...

Morgan Leigh said...

Hahahahahaha. That? Is priceless. Priceless.

::clicking link to watch a show::

heeeheeheehee

Kellie said...

If I hadn't seen the show with my eye eyeballs, I'd think you were making it all up.

All I can say is this: I REALLY wish the writer's strike would end.

:)

Jenski said...

I laughed my way through this post, but I'm afraid I would stare at the TV in horror if I was watching the show.

nailgirl said...

I have seen that show also. Being the celebrity whore that I am. It is off the hook.

frannie said...

no THAT'S some quality programming!

DND said...

I laughed so hard at this post that I almost cried. Even though I have never seen the show, I can believe everything you wrote since I grew up in Ms, moved to Ga and now live in Al.

Robyn said...

I watched the one where she hung quilts over everything, and used stuffed deer heads and fish as decoration. Oh..and all the grooms men and brides maids wore Camo. She even wore a camo veil. Then? As their gift to each other? She got him some sort of lizard and he got her a pink rifle to go a squirrel huntin' with. I. Laughed. My. Big. Ass. Off. Classic Show. It deserves and Emmy or something!

my4kids said...

I've seen this show. It is histerical!

Stephanie said...

Yeah, I love this show too. Some of the episodes made me wish that it had come out before I got married..... I really really would have loved to mud wrestle in my weddin' dress.

Chelle said...

Wow. I might just have to check that out. Thanks for the heads up, Chick!

A's Mom said...

Oh, now that's WAY too much for me to handle! Too funny!

Shar said...

I totally just discovered this show this weekend and when the bride told her future mother in law that she couldn't find her teeth and the mother in law offered hers... Dude! Seriously, that was heaven.

Le Petite Redhead said...

I LOVE this show!! Seriously, it is pee-in-your pants funny!! I actually missed this week's episode but I'm sure I'll catch the repeat sometime this week.

But sometimes I wonder, are these people really like this or did they get paid to do over the top redneck?

I am Trish Marie said...

I love that show! The santitation worker was a really great one. It had a port-a-potty theme.

Edie said...

Ok, seriously, between this post and the last one, people have stopped by my office to ask what the hell is so funny! :)

Hilarious!

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

Gee....it makes my own wedding seem so ..... boring.

I haven't been able to watch an entire espisode yet, but I am building up a tolerance.....

Amy W said...

I am afraid I will see family members on the show...

Stephanie said...

I'm suddenly very, very afraid.

What will they think of next?

Mikey said...

I love that show! Them people's crazy. Makes me feel not quite so redneck.

Catwoman said...

A beer can archway. Now why has no one thought of that before...

And I think that you're hotter than a Hot Pocket, chick. have I told you that before?

Rachel said...

I love when I read about someone that watches the same trash I do. It vindicates me.

Angie said...

my comment went away. . . I've never see this before!

This show cracks me up .. but it makes me scared that these people live very, very close to me (and you, my friend)

Heather J. said...

I need to watch this show. I just tinkled in my drawers reading the description. I might need full on depends too actually watch it.
Nothing like reality TV to make me feel better about myself.

SJ said...

I'm going to have to watch this show now for sure. I've seen it on the TV line up, just always skipped over it, but not anymore!

zarlyng said...

I really loved the one where they mud wrestle and mattress surf at the reception. I didn't know whether to laugh (okay, snicker) or watch in horror.

Karin's Korner said...

OMG that is so hilarious!!!! I will have to go home and do a search of this!!

Lynda said...

OMG! I totally know people that would do something like that!! Hysterical! I've got to make it a point to find this show!

Lois Grebowski said...

I was surfing around Saturday night and came up on that show. It was a marathon of three shows. OMG! I *had* to watch it!

The one with the missing teeth was just scary.... real scary! Don't forget the dumpster wedding gift...bwahahahahahahahaahaha...

Scary!

Amira said...

And THIS, Chick, is one of the biggest reasons I read your blog. I just laughed harder than I have in a few weeks. For nearly the entire post.

OMG. SO damn funny.

And, yes, having grown up in a rural area, I can believe this stuff goes on.

julie said...

Yeah, but did you see the one where the couple's mullet-headed friend introduced them to his friend who was an ordained minister... which is something he achieved while in the state pen because he "had a lot of time to kill." And she took naked pictures on a horse for his gift... and he bought her a nice white lingerie robe, but used his pocket knife to cut off the sleeves because she doesn't like long sleeves??? Oh, and she bought her dress in an ad, and met the lady at a Wendy's near the interstate and tried it on in the bathroom???

This just happens to be a favorite show at our house these days. :)

EE said...

I've gotta see this show...quality programming at it's best!