Thursday, March 13, 2008

Brilliant Plan #4657876531254!

For some reason that I will never clearly understand, people I work with like to stand outside my office door and speak in really loud, inappropriate voices about things that do not interest me in any way.

For example:

Co-Douche#1: I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY ARE SAYING WE ARE IN A RECESSION! I JUST BOUGHT MY FIFTEENTH HOUSE! I THINK I'LL LET MY DOGS LIVE THERE! MAYBE WE'LL HIRE SOMEONE TO LIVE WITH THEM!

Co-Douche#2: DID YOU KNOW I MAKE MORE MONEY THAN GOD AND THAT I DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ALL DAY LONG EXCEPT ANNOY PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY TRYING TO WORK?

Co-Douche#1: WELL, YOU DO HAVE A PENIS, SO YOU TOTALLY DESERVE ALL THAT MONEY!

Co-Douche#2: YOU KNOW THAT'S RIGHT.

Sometimes they have cell phone conversations. Apparently if you are talking on your cell phone? No one around you can hear your conversation. Seriously. Did you know this? It must be true because things like this happen all the time:

Co-Douche#3: NO. I'M TALKING ABOUT THE CREAM. NOT THE PILLS. THE CREAM. FOR THE RASH? RIGHT. I NEED SIX TUBES. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH! I'M GOING TO GET SHITFACED TONIGHT! I'M ABOUT HALFWAY THERE NOW! YEAH! HA!


And so on.

So I shut the door. In fact, I often slam the door.


It does me no good. They simply speak louder.

Co-Douche#1: DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO TURN ON THE COMPUTER? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN ON THIS COMPUTER. I THINK I NEED TO HIRE ABOUT SIX ADMINS AND PAY THEM MORE THAN THAT GIRL IN THERE. WHAT'S HER NAME?

Co-Douche#2: I THINK IT'S SHERRY.

Co-Douche#1: YES. SHERRY. CLEARLY. I THINK I NEED TO HIRE SOME ADMINS AND PAY THEM MORE THAN SHERRY IN THERE. YOU KNOW. SHERRY WHO HAS HER COLLEGE DEGREE AND DOES MORE WORK IN A DAY THAN ALL OF US PUT TOGETHER.

Co-Douche#2: THAT WILL REALLY MOTIVATE SHERRY TO WORK HARDER.


My name is not Sherry. But they are talking about me. And in case there is any doubt whatsoever? I am not motivated. I am the complete, polar opposite of motivated.

So, not surprisingly, I've pretty much decided I'm over this.

If I want to talk to someone who sits three or four doors away from me, I don't walk to their office. I don't call them, nor do I email.

I sit right at my desk and shout at the top of my lungs:

"HEY CO-WORKER! DID YOU WANT DOCUMENT XXX OR DOCUMENT XYZ?"

And if someone sneezes anywhere in the building, I scream:

"GOD BLESS YOU!"



Really, it's the best plan ever.


At the very least? They are standing in front of someone else's door to talk.



Which is good. Because I don't want to catch anyone's rash. For reals.

22 comments:

frannie said...

that rash would be almost as painful as the co-workers.

fo reals.

Sleeping Mommy said...

They clearly do not know who the eff they are irritating, do they?

Just keep repeating "This too shall pass...this too shall pass...this too shall pass."

I know. It hasn't been helping us either, but I keep trying it.

Gerbil said...

your coworkers ARE a rash. on the Ass of Decency.

Jenski said...

Talk about a big case of Too Much Information for you! Oiy.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

LOL - you know that sometimes the "on" button on a computer will ONLY respond to a female's touch - just ask Ed if you don't believe me.

Hate. That. Man!

He should work there. He'd fit right in.

J said...

You seriously crack my shit up, Chick. Tonight you reminded me off all that I love about blogging. I read that one out loud to my hubby and you know what? He LAUGHED. Yes! He never laughs at things I think are funny. So that means that you must be really freaking super duper over the top wonderfully funny. Maybe that is why we all love you.

Kellie said...

Gerbil's comment? LOVING it....SO true, too.

squishytushy said...

I'd like to echo Kellie who echoed Gerbil.

Jocelyn said...

I wish you could start hucking tubes of "cream" at them.

Morgan Leigh said...

hahahahahahahahahahahaha. That? Was? Hilarious! I would send an email about the rash to everyone in the office that hadn't heard the conversation, LOLOLOLOL! :) You are one funny chick, Chick....

tiger lamb girl said...

Your co-workers are no-class asses.

I hope you don't take all this too seriously and let it upset you. I mean seriously? They're giving you total blog fodder.

I hope you just sit there laughing at the hilarity of their behaviour. For only you could write about it they way you do.

xo

Le Petite Redhead said...

Chick,
You seriously need to put all these funny ass blog posts into book form! And maybe start advertising Depends on here since you are what I like to call pee-in-your-pants funny. : )

Don't let the douchebags get you down. We know and you know that you are so much better than they are.

I mean really, could they birth twins, work with asshats like themselves and still be able to provide us all with funny shit? I think not!

Sarcasta-Mom said...

Yup, that sounds about right. My office mate takes little hiatuses into another co-workers affoce, where they lounge around with yet another co-worker and yak their asses off. Oh, and when she screws up? And I mean really screws up? It gets laughed off. And of course, she makes an assload more money than me.

Why is it in every office there is a double, and triple standard for everyone? And why is it the ones who actually do there work who gets the shaft every time? Douche.

Christie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Christie said...

nasty. I worked at a call center for a while and my cube was at a corner, located next to the restroom. ALWAYS had people lingering at my desk and looking at my stuff on my desk like they knew me.

One time, I sat there while a manager from another state told our lazy CSAs they we don't do enough and that we're going to take some of their workload. Needless to say, I didn't work the rest of the day. a-holes.

I am Trish Marie said...

You make me so glad I work from home. So, so glad.

Stephanie said...

Made me chuckle. So true.

Jen (kksmom) said...

LOL yet hugs at the same time. You should send things like this into Readers Digest.. maybe you could make some $$?

Rachel said...

Maybe you should carry around a little can of lysol and just start spraying their crotches.

Catwoman said...

How did any of those people get jobs, is what I'll never understand.

I'm sorry you spend all day surrounded by idiots.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

This is gold.

SJ said...

Hahahahah! That's funny. I sit in a cubicle and trust me, I hear stuff everyday that makes me blush.


Maybe next time you slam the door you could accidentally slam one of those asshat's foot in it? Or finger? Or hand?