Wednesday, March 12, 2008

She? Was never a Girl Scout.

Girl Scout cookies are good marketing, aren't they? I mean, especially cookie booths. Literally, you stand right outside a place that has cookies inside. Delicious cookies that you can most likely purchase for considerably less than $3.50 per box. And yet, you purchase Girl Scout cookies because cute little girls who say, "THANK YOU FOR SUPPORTING GIRL SCOUTS!" in really loud, insincere voices ask you if you will.

Really, I'm not sure if it's good marketing or just the fact that, as much as I loathe to admit it because of the amount of snarking I enjoy doing, most people are pretty nice to small girls.

Of course there are always exceptions.

Case in point, on Sunday we had what shall forever be known as The Cookie Booth From Hell.

It was at Kroger. I thought it was at Lowes and I showed up to Lowes with nary a moment to spare and I was DISMISSED by another troop leader who informed me of my infinite wrongness by bringing out HUGE CARDBOARD SHEETS OF PAPER WITH A SCHEDULE WRITTEN ON THEM. That she, apparently, drives around with.

Anyway. We loaded back up and hauled ass over to the Kroger. Late.

I hate being late.

Kroger wasn't bad though. Lots and lots and lots of shoppers. Most of which politely told us they had already purchased cookies, but some of which bought our cookies. People were generally friendly and nice and came up and spoke to us and didn't just try to ignore us like the old men at Lowes did the prior weekend.

After we had been there two hours a woman who was in such desperate need of a bra that I almost reached into my shirt, whipped mine off and offered it to her, came up to our booth. She surveyed our wares and spoke politely to all the girls, asking them how they were, where they went to school, etc.

She was...okay, she smelled horrible. Like puke and garbage and really, really bad body odor. ADVANCED B.O. people. She was jumpy, she was jittery, and she kept touching her own face.

She moved kind of around the back of the booth where I was standing and she said,

"I lost my wallet. Do you have any money? Can I have some money?"

I told her, no. I didn't have any money. Which was true.

She pouted at me. "I know you have money. You just made change. I saw that money. You have money. You could give me some money."

OH. HELL. NO.

I said to her, "This is not my money. This money belongs to the Girl Scouts. I can't give you any."

(Oh, and seriously? I could have totally taken her. I'm a big old girl. I could have just sat on her skinny ass. So I wasn't worried about her trying any Kung-fu moves or anything and stealing the cash.)

She STARTED YELLING AT ME.

"THIS IS BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! GIRL SCOUTS IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT HELPING PEOPLE! I NEED SOME MONEY FOR GAS! I LOST MY WALLET! ALL I'M ASKING FOR IS A LITTLE HELP! WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING IN GIRL SCOUTS ANYWAY!? ISN'T GIRL SCOUTS ABOUT HELPING PEOPLE!??"

The girls? Were completely wide-eyed. Scared, even.

I? Was pissed.

"Girl Scouts is NOT about helping people," I snarled at her. "It's about teaching girls to HELP THEMSELVES."

She stared at me. Blinked.

"You need to leave," I said quietly. "I'll call the police. Leave."

She walked away. About fifteen feet away from us, she started jogging. Eventually, she broke into a run.


The girls all stared at me.

I smiled at them and said, "Well. Let's sell some cookies. Okay?"


They were quiet for a minute. Then one of the girls said,



"Guess what Miss Chickie? That lady who was askin' for money? She's my neighbor! She lives in that apartment house next to my Mee-maw!"





Of course she does.

40 comments:

Gerbil said...

picture big stare-y face here 'cause... wow. good thinking on your feet.

wow.

wooooowwwwwww. my money's on meth or crack.

Tulip Girl said...

I agree with gerbil...one or the other.

Angie said...

yeah, the jittery stuff makes me nervous. I'm glad you had the presence of mind to stand up for yourself -- and the girls!

Morgan Leigh said...

Awesome for sticking up for yourself and those girl scouts, Chick! :) Honestly? She was on drugs, or so it sounds.

Jenski said...

You are amazing on your feet! I'm glad you didn't give her you bra.

Heather said...

Oh my! I LOVE the way you responded!!!

frannie said...

well, holy damn cow!

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

Holy crap you find the nutties people this country has to offer, don't you!!

Mikey said...

Totally on dope! Wow, good for you for standing up to her, but dang, what is WRONG W/PEOPLE? What kind of freak tries to bum money off Girl Scouts?
Had to laugh at the bra thing :) Give her the bra off your back? You're a helluva woman :)

SJ said...

Oh the irony. But really? Good for you for telling her and her stinky self where to go.

Some people have nerve.

Emma in Canada said...

Holy Hannah. You have some interesting stories. My Brownie experience? Not nearly as entertaining. Or heartbreaking in some cases.

Crystal said...

Oh, wonderful post!! Thanks for stopping by my party.

Captain Steve said...

Meth, my money's definitely on meth. And really? next door to her grandma? Get that girl a sliding bolt lock for her birthday.

FUN-ky Mama said...

I love that you came right back with the "teaching girls to help themselves" comment. Awesome!
I think the big appeal to GS cookies is because they are only around for a short time. They are elusive and craveable. GS peeps were thinking smart on that decision!

Kelly M said...

WOW... Great way to handle yourself!! ALso what a great role model for the girl scouts! Good Job!

Strange strange people in this world!!

Nen said...

oh my goodness... lol...

AndreAnna said...

Where do these people come from!?!

We have a woman in our neighborhood we affectionately refer to as "the crack whore" and she wanders about town in her Napoleon Dynamite boots and winer coat, even in June. She sometimes carries store bags but I have never seen her in a store or had an encounter with her.

But now I'd know exactly what she'd say. :)

Actorgirl said...

Wow!! Drugs, most likely, or some serious mental illness.... my money's on the drugs, but either way-- SCARY. :(

Good for you!

And, IA with the previous comment-- get that poor little girl whose grandma lives near the woman a deadbolt!

Dawn~a~Bon said...

Wow, you handled that like a champ, I would have just frozen. Great response.

tiger lamb girl said...

People never cease to freak me out. OMG, I'm laughing coz of the way you described everything, but sheesh! That sounds awful.

Good thing you were there with the girls;). Glad you didn't have to take her though...I could just see the headlines now. lol

Sabrina said...

Ok, that was hilarious. Way to go chick!

Bunny said...

Oh good lord!

Christie said...

crazy people!

Courtney said...

OMG!!!! Could it be a learning experience... lol. "Girls, this is what you turn into if you do drugs... don't do drugs!" lol

I think you handled it very well.

Allie Bear said...

Your response was awesome, it could not have been more perfect. Rock on!

Catwoman said...

You're my hero.

Amy W said...

So this is what I have to look forward to??!!

Jennilu said...

I get to help our girls sell cookies at Food City on Friday. Man, I can't wait. Thanks for giving me some conversational material to discuss with the other parents! This is classic!

Edie said...

Great come back... I would have been as scared as the girls standing there! I can never think on my feet that fast. Awesome response... and what a great thing to show the girls.

I am Trish Marie said...

Okay first of all, excellent point. It is about teaching them to help themselves.

But enough of that. Oh holy hell! Her neighbor! I laughed so hard I nearly choked!

Rachel said...

What crazy bitch!!!

And, really, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked for money and then yelled at you.

My bad.

Beckie said...

Damn, Woman, you are GOOD!

I haven't heard 'Mee Maw' in such a long time - that made me smile.

kellyo75 said...

Yeah, you did good, Chick. I probably would have just cried or something. People like her freak me right out. And that poor little girl who lives next to the crackhead. Awww.

Heather J. said...

Thanks for the smelly description...I can smell her from her.

ICK.

Jocelyn said...

And that's when you know you're an adult. When you face someone's off-kilter game and toss the ball right back again.

Btw, I love all that you write, but for this phrase alone ("a woman who was in such desperate need of a bra that I almost reached into my shirt, whipped mine off and offered it to her"), yoiu have me forever.

Stephanie said...

Too freakin' funny! If it wasn't so deathly quiet in my office I would bust out laughing.

melanie said...

"Guess what Miss Chickie? That lady who was askin' for money? She's my neighbor...and she's a meth face!"

Heathie said...

Just de-lurking to say, I *loved* your response to that lady! Obviously no one taught her to help herself.
I would pay extra for cookies on the outside of the store because, inside? There are no Samoas.

Kelly M said...

HAHA I just have to tell you yesterday I was at Lowes..when I was leaving I saw a table with a bunch of girls selling girl scout cookies...totally reminded me of you and your cookie selling stories! I had to chuckle and well of course I had to support the good cause :)

velocibadgergirl said...

Good freaking Lord.

Bravo to you for standing up and for that great retort.

But good freaking Lord.