When I moved to North Carolina about two hundred years ago, I met a nice older lady at church, who wanted me to make friends and fit in and start a whole new life in North Carolina. She was determined to help me on this path and she decided that I should go out and have dinner with this new girl who she was sure would be my best friend because we had so much in common.
What we had in common? Was that we both had two kids and our husbands had left us for other women.
So we went to dinner and bless her heart, she was a sweet person, but she and I had absolutely nothing in common other than the sad states of our marriages. I cannot for the life of me remember what the name of this lady was, but I vividly remember that apparently her parents had money and they had bought her a house (would never happen in my life) and that her husband had come over one day so she could go to the store and he could watch the kids and he had downloaded porn on the internet or some crap while she was gone. And I could keep thinking was, "Wow! She doesn't even have a job!" Not that there is anything wrong with not having a job, but I couldn't help but think, "Who is supporting her? Her dad?" Because her husband or ex-husband or whatever was a deadbeat who couldn't keep a job and loved the porn. Oh and she ate corn on the cob and a big piece of corn got stuck between her front teeth and I was trying really discreetly to tell her and she totally didn't get it so she walked around for like an hour with corn in her teeth.
I'm sure she was a lovely person, but she and I were not meant to be friends. I suppose sometimes tragedies such as those she and I were facing make people become close. But us? No.
I wonder sometimes if it's just harder for me to make friends or be friends with people. I don't know. Sometimes it feels that way. I mean, granted, just because that chick had a similar situation in her life didn't automatically mean we were going to be bff, and it sort of irritates me that anyone would even assume that, but still. It seems hard for me to make friends.
People like me, despite what my particularly stupid co-workers say. But I don't get very close to many people.
I can't figure out why, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with me. Probably also has something to do with the fact that I hate people. I'm not sure though.
I just know I don't fit in. I didn't belong in North Carolina. It seemed like all the girls there I met had the same hair and the same purse and they all dressed the same and they all spoke in accents I couldn't even understand at all and a lot of them liked to get drunk. I know this isn't indicative of everyone in the state or anything. I'm just saying. This was the kind of people I met. Everyone was engaged and getting married and here I was...divorced and a loser. Oh and I was the only one who had kids, and no one could relate.
Then I moved here and my neighbors are crackwhores and the people I work with are generally older and they are just now having their first kids and adopting and my kids are older and I make a lot of references to Monty Python and I don't know anything about NASCAR and I don't feel like I fit in here either.
I can't work it out in my head if I'm awful or not.