Wednesday, May 21, 2008

School's out to-morrow!

And you know what that means?

It means that after tommorrow? I'll be the mother of two fifth graders.

And you know that THAT means?

It means that I'm going to have to start being a real mom. Not this fake crap that I've been pulling for the last ten years.

Someone else is going to have to inform the children of this plan, though, because earlier I tried to have the period talk with Girl Child? And she ran out of the room shrieking.

Here's what's bad. I don't have a clue what to say. I have no idea how a normal girl's period works. I've never been normal. I don't know how to explain this crap. And incidentally? If you mention the word "flooding" in reference to something that's going to come out of your 10 year old child's body? She's going to really freak out.

Also? I tried to talk to Boy Child recently about puberty.

I told him he might start getting hair under his arms soon and he laughed so hard that he farted.

Then he said, "Mom! You're a riot!"

And I totally am! So I didn't correct him because that would be rude.

Then we started talking about what types of fish are the most violent and I totally forgot all about the whole puberty conversation.



This mom stuff is hard, y'all.

26 comments:

J said...

LOL. Seriously, you and your kids are hilarious. My mom got me a book to tell me about periods. All she said was 'dont read the last chapter'. It was about Gyno visits, and it was the first chapter I read.

The whole boy puberty thing? I can't help you with that one. Sorry!

Kimberly said...

Oh ouch...I don't even want to think about having to have those conversations some day!

I find out about the period thing on my own...thought it was a reaaaaal nasty bladder infection the first four months...You're doing her a favor by warning her, really.

SJ said...

Oh how funny...and scary ALL at the same time.

Maybe buy them books?

Roxanne said...

Don't know if you're looking for help, but when I had "the talk" with my daughter I found some great books at the library. It helped to kind of break the ice and gave me something to refer to instead of feeling all out there on my own.

Allie Bear said...

My mom told me some day I would bleed like her and it was okay. That day came when I was in church in 6th grade, I went to the nurse's office and they called my mom to bring me pads and I begged her to let me go home.
My advice: let her go home that day and go into all the gory details then.

I am Trish Marie said...

I dread the day..... I think I still have a few more years. I hope. Maybe I will come up with something good to say by then.

Birth Sister Doula Services said...

My cousins showed me a book their mom gave them (I was in 3rd grade). It had drawings of old people and said vagina rhymes with carolina.

My 5th grade son just got the puberty talk in school. He doesn't have any questions. (whew!)

Just tell them they can talk to you about anything, ask any questions they want, and if you don't know the answer, you'll find out together. (And then pray they never ask anything.)

KiKi said...

You're doing better than most. When we were very young my mom gave us a book and said to call grandma if we had any questions. Though my kid sis got hers very early (age 9), I was a late bloomer. Didn't come till I was 16. Lucky for her.

Captain Steve said...

Let the nuns do it. And if there are no nuns, well then, when she finally gets her period, tell her what it is, let her curse at you, and then she'll have blog fodder until she dies. However: don't let breasts just happen. THAT is embarassing.

Anonymous said...

I just had a thought - do you think she'd read Judy Blume's 'Hello God, It's Me, Margaret'? I mean, at least it's all 'Yay, I can't wait to get my period', and it might provide a jumping-off point for talking about the biological details.

I also agree about talking to her about how her breasts will grow. I confess that I walked around for a couple of months thinking I had cancer because at first only one of the nubs developed.

stepmomof2 said...

Oh I feel ya, Abi will be in fifth grade this coming up school year. We've sort of already had the "period talk", but I'm afraid she doesn't really know what's coming. Brad's only eight and probably won't be hitting puberty any time soon.

Mean Stepmom said...

I don't know about where yall live, but both of my kids have gone through a puberty class in school. The kids came home giggling about what was said in school, but it took a lot of pressure off me. They even got free samples of deodorant and Always pads and stuff. Unfortunately the class only teaches the basics of "how your body works" - not responsibility or abstinence. My 13 year old has been having periods and shaving her legs since age 11 and I just gave her the tampon talk this year. That was fun. LOL Good luck...and I love your blog.

Sabrina said...

My mom didn't tell me a damn thing. I said "i'm bleeding," she stopped playing her pacman game, went out, bought me pads and that was it.

THat was our sex talk.

Betsey Booms said...

Mine is officially a 4th grader today and I went ahead and had the conversation with her a few months ago, including where babies come from.

She asked me if here was a pill she could take when she DID decide to have kids that would make her pregnant, because that other way was just too gross.

Tiger Lamb Girl said...

Man this is so different to my experience with my kids.

I guess I never had the privilege of closing the bathroom door to pee, bathe or much else! My kids never let me! They learned pretty early on that I have a period. Both, at some point (when they were very young), asked me why I was bleeding and I explained it matter of factly (montly cycle - egg - and how it's necessary if you want a baby blah blah blah). Neither one seemed that bothered about it and went about playing with their toys or whatever game they were involved in at the time.

When my daugther got her period at age 11 -- she was outside playing. She ran inside - out of breath to tell me. Actually, to hurry me to get her a pad...and it was at that point I thought, well, I guess I should talk with her a little more in depth and see if she's cool with what's happening to her body, blah blah blah. She sorta patiently listened for a minute (I was standing outside the bathroom door at her request - giving her tips on how to secure the pad to her underpants). Anyway, once she finished, washed her hands and came outta the bathroom - I figured she'd have some questions. Nope. None.

All she was interested in at that point was finding out if the pad would stay securly in place so she could go back outside and resume playing. And that was that. I mean, she already knew from previous occasions where baby came from....

In hindsight? I'm REALLY glad I didn't get uptight about closing the bathroom door during my periods. I was discreet as one could be in the circumstances, but it gave me the opportunity when they were very young, to explain things when THEY asked quesions. Later on - it made things MUCH easier to deal with. They already knew the basics and it wasn't a big deal to them. At all. Nor was it 'gross' or anything to giggle about. My kids always think it's weird when other kids giggle about stuff like this. They just don't see what the big deal is..and I'm really grateful that is their outlook; that it's simply a part of this experience we call life.

Christie said...

LMFAO. non of us mom's really know how to deal with the puberty stuff, we just roll with it.

Your son farting reminds me of my son. Of course, he's only 11 months but a lot of the time when he laughs he farts and I still can't stop giggling about it.

Oh boy, I'm in for it

Julie said...

I think you handled both situations pretty well considering first time and all. : )

I can't believe schools are starting to let out already for the summer. We still have about a month left here.

Catwoman said...

Absolutely hilarious! But hey, you had to say something. Remember the movie Carrie and how she got her period for the first time and didn't know what it was and freaked out and killed everyone? That movie is the whole reason I'll be having the talk with my kids when the time is right.

Birth Sister Doula Services said...

Two sites I recommend are:

http://onewoman.com/redspot/

and

http://www.attachmentscatalog.com/gifts/passage.html ---- books and gifts to help her celebrate this rite of passage.

Lillie said...

I highly recommend "The Care & Keeping of You" http://www.amazon.com/Care-Keeping-You-American-Library/dp/1562476661/ref=pd_bbs_sr_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1211493970&sr=8-3. My daughter is 8 and we've already talked about periods and various other things with the help of this book, which is really great. Of course, there's stuff in there she doesn't need to see yet (how to insert a tampon - fun!), but she LOVES that book and asks me to read it with her all the time. Kids get their periods so young these days, I wanted to go ahead and get her used to the idea. My coworker's daughter is 10 and just started hers a couple of months ago. The horror! Anyway, awesome book.

squishytushy said...

Can I pretty please come & just hang out with you & your kids for a week? Puh-leeeezeee????

Tulip Girl said...

I am surprised at how many people think that it is okay for the schools to do this job. It is awesome that you are taking this step with your kids. Family Life has a great program called Pssport to Puberty. I think it can be found at www.familylife.com

Good luck!

Tulip Girl said...

oops...I meant Passport to Purity.

Lil Mouse said...

let 'dad' do the boy puberty talk. while they are walking far far away from you. pretty much no matter what he says, its going to be better than you trying it. he he. boys that age just dont take mom stuff very seriously. dad on the other hand, well he does have the same sex experience there. and my bet is that if you look on the tampax website you'll find a link to talking to your kid about puberty.just a thought. good luck.

Rachel said...

It hit me the other day that Kaylie is almost 8 years old and I am gonna have to have that talk soon. Help.

Jenski said...

Seriously, if you ever want to send Girl and Boy Child on vacation, they can totally come entertain me for a week!

My mom didn't have *the* talk with me. It was weird to go to her and tell her I got my period! It's good to prepare them early.