Monday, June 02, 2008

I will not accept this rose.

This weekend in a haze of NyQuil and snot, I turned on the television and discovered a television program that probably everyone else on the planet already knows about.

I'm talking about, of course, the amazing amazingness that is The Bachelor.

O. M. G.

So I start watching this show, okay? And apparently I'm watching the first season. And I get completely and totally engrossed, almost immediately. And I'm saying to the television, "WHY IS HE PICKING AMANDA? WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM THAT HE'S PICKING AMANDA!" And Jason came in and told me to just lay down because he's afraid the NyQuil is negatively affecting my brain or some crap, and I'm dying! DY-ING.

Because this is the most horrible show I've ever seen, EVER, and I. can't. stop. watching. it.

First of all, and I honest to Fred don't mean this in an ugly way, at all, but why can these men not find women on their own without the benefit of ABC's big fat bankroll and a bunch of cameras? I mean, in the first season? The guy Alex? He was very attractive and seemed like a decent guy, but then everything he did was just so freaking dorky. And he went to Harvard and Stanford and said he liked The Simpsons, but at the same time he seemed way, way emotionally invested in what his parents thought. I don't know if that's normal because I don't really have a normal relationship with my parents and wouldn't expect them to give me relationship advice (my parents think if the guy hasn't proposed by the third date, he's just not that into you) or anything, so I don't know.

What disturbed me the most was that these women, who were all attractive and seemed reasonably intelligent and whatnot, seemed OBSESSED AND DETERMINED that this Man Would Be Theirs.

What. The. Damn. Hell?

Did some event occur on this planet that I am unaware of that has knocked out the majority of potential mates for these lovely women? Because, um, last time I checked (and granted, I've been off the market for a while, but still), there were plenty of men out there ripe for the picking. Granted, you have to weed through those wearing trucker caps which proudly proclaim "Rock Out With Your Cock out", but still. Those guys are easy to spot, right? They advertise, even. You can figure out their motivation right away.

I was disturbed by some of the women, who had known this man a scant few weeks, sobbing and crying and saying, "But I was falling in love with him!"

How? HOW can it be possible?

The night I met Jason I felt a spark. Okay, more than a spark. I had a strong, strong feeling that he was the one.

We did not, however, have cameras following us all the time. Nor was I sharing him with a houseful of other women that he was locking lips with on a regular basis. In five weeks, he did not propose. Oh let me assure you. It was much, much longer than five weeks.

And frankly? As much as I liked him and as much as I thought I had a real future with him? I would have freaked the crap out if he had proposed after five weeks. I can't decide on shoes after only five weeks, much less someone who has to see me naked and deal with my long-term relationship with Sallie Mae.

I mean I know it's just t.v., but that seems kind of flip. Don't you think?

Or has the NyQuil really affected my brain?

20 comments:

Sarcasta-Mom said...

Seriously? I love that you watch reality TV. lol.

And yeah, most reality TV shows just go to show how pathetic people can truely be. And it's just too damn facinating not to watch.

Jenski said...

Hah! On top of the fact that I find it scary if people actually go on there to truly find their soul mate, I find it really weird that one might think that while in the process of finding that soul mate on TV, others will be dating and making out with and whatever else with your future spouse. That's a little too much sharing for me.

And it might be time to start weaning yourself off the NyQuil.

Kimberly said...

It's not the NyQuil. We live in a scary, scary world.

Keetha said...

The Nyquil has NOT affected your brain. At all. That TV show is so disturbing on so many levels. It's like a lasagna of wrongness.

Kim said...

Preach it, Sista!

So, did you know that Trista went on to be "The Bachelorette" and found a husband? She and Ryan got married on televison and now have a son.

B&K said...

Oh no, high on Nyquil or not, that kind of show is, as Keetha said, disturbing on so many levels. Can you imagine some sociologist in the future 200 years from now digging up a DVD of the Bachelor, and basing their opinion of our society on that?!? Too scary.

But you know what? I've got one better for you. Better (in a sick way) than the Bachlor. It's on the Logo channel. Are you with me on this? Do you get the Logo Channel on your cable or is that just a liberal California thing? Logo Channel is an all-gay network. Oh yes. You know where I'm going with this.

There's a show on the Logo Channel called Transamerican Love Story. Here's the synopsis: "A competition dating series starring trans-gender artist Calpernia Addams and hosted by comedian-actor Alec Mapa."

Oh yes. It is true. There are things worse -- much worse -- than the Bachelor out there in TV land. I was bored one day and flipping through the channels and stumbled across this one.

Oh. My. God. It is wrong on so many different levels. Yeeech!

B&K said...

p.s. Not that there's anything wrong with that . . . LOL

katydidnot said...

um. i am so sad to say that i watch this show. i don't watch with the regularity that i watch, say, (there's nothing not embarrassing that i can honestly put here) something else, but i do watch and i. love. it. for all of the reasons in your post. i. love. it. how can these people not get dates? and really should the first step be abc tv rather than, say, a god awful setup or match.com? idk. omg.

katydidnot said...

and also? just once i want to see one of them say, "nuh.uh. not accepting this rose. it's lame, and so are you."

frannie said...

those dating shows crack me up!! that chick that come in second place on "rock of love" had some SERIOUS mental issues!!!

B&K said...

OH! And have you ever seen the one on MTV Flavor of Love?!? It stars Rapper Flavor Flav and a bunch of empty headed bimbos that apparently think this ridiculous character is soooooo -- whatever. All I can really say? Is Ewwwwww. Between the girls and Flav? I think maybe -- maybe -- they have half a brain.

When you see Flav on the show? With his giant clock around his neck? (What's that about, anyway?) All you really want to do is say, "This is your brain on crack."

Holy crap!! Compared to these shows? The Flavor of Love and the Transamerican Love Story? The Bachlor is genuis. Comparatively speaking.

How scary is that?!?

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Dude, seriously? This is why I don't watch reality TV ish-ness. Ew. Unless I'm hanging with you in a similar Nyquill haze/high. That? Might be fun! :-)

Gimme yo address! :-)

Heather @ Desperately Seeking Sanity said...

Ok, so you just wrote how I feel about the bachelor... but much better than I could. It's like a bad car wreck... you don't want to watch, but you can't not look...

and of course, this season I got sucked into the bachelorette (which is even MORE hysterical because it's the men doing the crying and stuff) and only because the girl? she's the one the got duped last season on the bachelor. Don't get me started.

Angie said...

I had seen it. . .and felt many of the same things you felt. Even without the nyquil. Go figure.

I hope you are feeling better soon.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

If the nyquil has affected your brain, then nyquil brain is my normal state of affairs, because I COMPLETELY agree with you regarding this show.

I'm sorry you're not feeling well, love. And you and yours are all over my thoughts and prayers.

Jocelyn said...

I think the Nyquil makes you quite astute. The show is more about *competing* for love, *advertising* oneself for love, and *entrapping* oneself into a public situation about life's most intimate moments.

I mean, I think.

I'd have had to have ever watched it to know those things for sure.

Karin's Korner said...

Seriously..."Rock out with your cock out"..I almost peed on myself. That my friend is hilarious. I find myself still laughing as I type this. Too funny! I have to admit that I do watch the bachlor and that bachlorette (this is on Monday nights now). The show is awful and I love it anyway!

Jana said...

OK...just gotta say it... YOU FUCKIN CRACK ME UP, (I know the f bomb is a little strong, but it seems warranted here.) You are HILARIOUS. "Long term relationship with Sallie Mae" THAT is funny shit...

SJ said...

I've never understood that show either - I mean really - what is wrong with them that they can't find love on their own and also, the falling in love thing so fast?

IMPOSSIBLE.

Okay, maybe not completely but I'm sure it's all about being on TV. It has to be.

Rachel said...

THAT is why I could not and still don't watch that show. I watch trashier things, such as Rock of Love, but at least at the end of that, there is no proposal!