Last week was extremely emotionally challenging. Not just because my grandmother died.
It was just hard.
I thought a lot about everything that happened and I resolved to change my life. I have to change my life. Things have to get better. I can't continue on like this.
The thing is? I have no idea where to start.
I mean, I hate my job. Everyone knows that. But in this economy, I feel pretty lucky to even have a job. And it's not like I've not been applying forever for new jobs and just nothing is happening except that I have interviews with people who want me to travel all the time or want to pay me $20,000 less than I'm currently making or who might possibly be insane or just high off of all the hairspray they use. None of those things are good and none of those things are helping me get a new job.
I've also started looking for a second job. The economy is in the crapper and I'm getting really, really nervous. Everything is so expensive and nothing is changing, so I'm going to have to change.
I don't know when I'm going to sleep.
I need to start on the book, but I haven't. I've been avoiding it. Even though I'm happy about it, it's another reminder of the main thing that is broken in my life. My family doesn't know about the book...probably never will. I understand that and accept it as much as I can but still? It doesn't make it easier.
We had family pictures taken this weekend and I was horrified, disgusted, and horrified again at how awful I looked. I've always told myself that I look okay. People always say, "You have beautiful hair, you have beautiful eyes." Also? I have a fat ass. They don't say that, but I do. And a fat stomach and fat thighs. I'm all for loving and accepting yourself, but I have to fix that. I have to make some serious changes, because I don't like what I see when I look at those pictures. It makes me want to cry.
I'm so lonely here, and it's my own fault. I'm afraid to meet people. I'm afraid of being judged.
I miss something that never even existed for me.
I don't know how to fix any of this.
I hate today.