Last night? I dreamed about food.
Sadly? This is not the first time.
My relationship with food is not the healthiest.
Okay, in the spirit of being totally honest? My relationship with food f'ing sucks.
And I can't break up with it. You know? It's not like drugs or something that you can put down and sweat through the withdrawal. I have to have it or I'll die.
The funny thing is (and really, this is funny), a co-worker said to me today, "Oh my God! You've lost so much weight!"
And you know, I have. I've lost nearly 40lbs since I've seen her. Ten of those being a very recent loss. Weight Watchers actually does work. Okay, and there is no air conditioner in my building so I sweat my ovaries off every day and that's at least part of it. But still. I'm working it. I'm trying all the time. Hell, even Ginger has lost 2.6lbs since her last vet appointment because I'm always walking her all the time.
But I hate the obsession. I hate thinking about it. I hate dreaming about food. Dreaming about eating. Not being okay with this.
I hate how profoundly alone it makes me feel. I know I'm not the only person who deals with an eating disorder. I know I'm not the only overweight woman in the world. I know that I'm not the only person obsessive about food.
And to give myself credit (which I don't do frequently enough), I also know that I'm really making much better choices lately. Almost all the time. I'll reach for carrots when I'm hungry instead of chips. I walk whenever I can. I do exercise videos frequently. I prepare healthy dinners and don't feel bad about saying no to cake.
I know all these things.
I also know that I'm really upset about something else right now. Something that has nothing to do with food at all. And it's coloring how I feel and making me feel angry and out of control.
But I freaking hate feeling this way.
I hate BEING this way.