Thursday, July 31, 2008

Only in my dreams.

Last night? I dreamed about food.

Sadly? This is not the first time.

My relationship with food is not the healthiest.

Okay, in the spirit of being totally honest? My relationship with food f'ing sucks.

And I can't break up with it. You know? It's not like drugs or something that you can put down and sweat through the withdrawal. I have to have it or I'll die.



The funny thing is (and really, this is funny), a co-worker said to me today, "Oh my God! You've lost so much weight!"

And you know, I have. I've lost nearly 40lbs since I've seen her. Ten of those being a very recent loss. Weight Watchers actually does work. Okay, and there is no air conditioner in my building so I sweat my ovaries off every day and that's at least part of it. But still. I'm working it. I'm trying all the time. Hell, even Ginger has lost 2.6lbs since her last vet appointment because I'm always walking her all the time.

But I hate the obsession. I hate thinking about it. I hate dreaming about food. Dreaming about eating. Not being okay with this.

I hate how profoundly alone it makes me feel. I know I'm not the only person who deals with an eating disorder. I know I'm not the only overweight woman in the world. I know that I'm not the only person obsessive about food.

And to give myself credit (which I don't do frequently enough), I also know that I'm really making much better choices lately. Almost all the time. I'll reach for carrots when I'm hungry instead of chips. I walk whenever I can. I do exercise videos frequently. I prepare healthy dinners and don't feel bad about saying no to cake.

I know all these things.

I also know that I'm really upset about something else right now. Something that has nothing to do with food at all. And it's coloring how I feel and making me feel angry and out of control.

But I freaking hate feeling this way.



I hate BEING this way.

40 comments:

Betsey Booms said...

Gah, I related to so much of that.

I love you. Feel better soon, please?

Saphira said...

As far as the eating and food issues go, it sounds like you are doing VERY WELL and keep it up. Other issues you are having to deal with make everything else tougher as well! I can relate to the mood thing, I too am try to deal with issues and am going on my first psych doctor appointment on the 6th.

Stay strong girl I can feel that you are more than you know!

AndreAnna said...

You can doooeeeet!

I'm right there with you.

krissie said...

Ditto.

Take your food issues one day at a time - just like any addiction. I say this as I have my pre-dinner bowl of cereal...

Keep rocking, girl. You'll get to where you want to be.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading this blog for a long time now and I have to be honest...I don't understand the appeal. You aren't funny. You are fat. Not just fat but extremely fat. So boo-hoo go work out instead of sitting on your fat ass in front of the computer all the time. Your husband cheated on you and you married him anyway. You're writing sucks and no one is ever going to publish it. You are really pathetic. I don't know if all these people just feel sorry for you or what but you are just a loser.

All your stupid minions will probably attack me now. I've seen them do it to others who have dared to say the truth about you. But I don't care. I'm the only one who will say the truth.

Mean Stepmom said...

anonymous: why do you keep reading this blog if you don't enjoy it? You are a douchebag.

Chick: Congratulations on your loss and keep it up, girl. I'm right there with ya!

Sarcasta-Mom said...

Anonymous: Seriously, what Mean Stepmom said. Douche. You're obviously the lame ass stalker that keeps poping up and harassing Chick because you have no damn life. And may I say once again for the record: Douche.

That said, I just got myself aboard the healthier eating train, and right now, it sucks. All I could think about all day today was a fresh baked apple pie. Mmmmmm, pie........

Anywho, I totally admire your will power, and I hope I can get to your level someday.

Erin and Liann said...

Hmmm... Anon.. I would say that you are projecting.... Have fun with those self esteem issues of yours.. I almost feel sorry for you... almost.

Chick, food is a bitch.. End of story. But I have a deal with myself. I only eat things that I deem are "worth it." so if something tastes like crap, but was expensive? I don't eat it... It's weird but it works for me.. Don't even get me started on the dieting I did when I competed... sheesh... talk about issues...

XOXO,
L

giants fan said...

hugs to you and I hope that whatever it is that is bothering you is worked out soon!

April said...

i just started reading you. And I finished the post for the food issues and all I can say is I love you. I mean, you typed my thoughts. You are not alone. I wish I was a FFG (former fat girl) but alas, I am STILL a fat girl. You are ahead of me though! Hang in there. Oh, and annonym: Bite me and go read another blog. If you can't play nice, then piss off.

Sugar said...

Chick - you totally rock! 40 pounds!!!! That is awesome. I completely understand about the dreams. We as a family have been eating healthier for the kids. I don't want them to have eating issues and are trying to set a better example. You are not alone. Big hugs from me.

CPA Mom said...

Its SO easy to be mean and anonymous. So indicative of someone's maturity level. Anon - your "truth" has no bearing on reality. Just go away. You are not even worth attacking.

Chick - AMEN sister! I am so tired of having food issues. Lifelong battle. If I EVER get rid of the extra weight, I know I will NEVER be able to relax. I will have to "pick the carrots" the rest of my damn life and sometimes? That makes me want to stab someone. Hey, maybe I can stab anon.

Jan said...

Forty pounds! That is a lot! Something to be proud of. I know you are often down on yourself but....Forty pounds!

Anonymous is just trying to shock everyone- let's just ignore her (him?) The attention will keep her/him here.

B&K said...

Minions?!? Minions?!? Wow, we're minions!! Who knew??? Wowzers. I'm so excited to be a minion. Yippeee!!!

Wow it must have taken a long time for a certain someone to type out that loooong comment. 'Cuz its hard to type when your knuckles drag the ground.

What. a. douche.

Stephanie said...

I so understand you, but I haven't lost nearly as much as you have. I think it's great how much you've lost!

Bethany said...

I know just how you feel. I'm back on the WW wagon and it is a struggle every day.

Allie Bear said...

I think a lot of people can relate to what you said there, I know I can (except the losing 40 lbs part). I think since you can't kick food altogether (because you'd die) the dreams and obsessing is like your withdrawal. Just keep up the good work and like you said, you aren't the only one so reach out and talk to someone that feels like you do and maybe just having someone going through it with you can help.

Kimberly said...

You summed it up so perfectly. I know, deep down, that if I want to lose the weight I so totally will.

But I also know that that won't be enough to make me feel normal. To make me not have to think about food all the friggin' time.

I hate knowing that.

Sweetpea said...

40 pounds! Congratulations. Losing weight is hard for must of us. I can't help but hope that one day I will wake up skinny again. To think I thought I was fat as a size 6! Gah!! Keep up the good work.

Anonymous, seriously, get a life. You obviously have too much time on your hands.

prayingtodarwin said...

I am so impressed with you. Because you've lost 40 (!!!!) pounds. And because you have minions! I've always wanted minions! Every time I ask the girl at Wal-Mart where they keep the minions, she waves a hand in the direction of the produce department, then walks away...

Madame Queen said...

You know, at my last Weight Watchers meeting, the topic was control, and how when you lose control over one area of you life, other areas start to slip as well, and sometimes that means we lose control over the careful eating we've been doing. It's true for me, that's for sure. If I'm feeling really tired or stressed, I just want to eat whatever I want, you know? We talked about ways to regain control when you feel out of control. For me, it's imagining what my goal is -- to be skinny(er) by the time my very skinny stepsister comes to visit in 3 weeks! Ah, vanity. Whatever works, right?

Stay strong, sister! :)

KiKi said...

Damn right you're upset, woman!! You don't feel bad about saying no to cake?! Who the frig says no to cake? WW even has 1 point cookies and cakes - and while I usually eat the whole box, I still have self control because it's still better than eating a whole Entenmann's chocolate cake.

P.S. WW rocks.

Doug said...

All your stupid minions will probably attack me now. I've seen them do it to others who have dared to say the truth about you. But I don't care. I'm the only one who will say the truth.
What this Anonymous and other Anonymous's before neglect to realize.. Chick isn't for everybody. Heck, George Freaking Carlin wasn't everybody's cup of comedy. Just because you don't like what you read doesn't mean it's bad. It means you don't like it.

And in the opinion of Chick's minion that's your loss, not something that's wrong with Chick. You fail at the internet, unplug yourself and go away.

Jonny's Mommy said...

I have similar issues, but maybe not as bad. I dream of food too and have been stressing over weight loss for awhile now.

I came here from Madame Queen, looking for the post on your grandma. I really like your site. I'm going to go find that post and some more now.

Feel free to stop by anytime.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

It's so hard to have a normal relationship with food as a female. I often think that I have a completely normal relationship with food now, but being diagnosed with significant bone loss at age 26 is a reminder that even if I'm "normal" now, I still have the scars from when I was not.

For what it's worth, I think you're doing great. I've always thought you were totally gorgeous anyway, but losing 40 pounds - wow! And on top of everything else you do. That's a great accomplishment.

And on an unrelated note, I can't think of anything more pathetic than spending "a long time" reading a blog if you don't like the blogger. You don't like it - don't read it! Rocket science. But maybe I just think that because I'm, like, totally your minion.

Kimberlie said...

I totally know what you are saying...I'm right there with you.

Congrats on the forty pounds, that's great!

Please don't let one little pipsqueak like anonymous get you down, you have so many people here who love you for being the wonderful person you are. Don't give that pipsqueak what (it) wants.

Smile...we think you are great!

EE said...

40 lbs!!!!! You rock!!
I know the struggle very well.

kittyconcerto.com said...

First of all---congrats on 40 lbs!!! That is such an achievement. That is not easy girl. You worked hard. And WW rules.

Secondly--I just did a post yesterday about my weird food relationship. I don't know what to do with myself now that I'm preggo. I NEED to gain weight, but I don't WANT to gain weight. I've been trying desperately to lose weight for years. Over exercising, fasting, only eating fish for breakfast, lunch & dinner (I swear!). Awful.

So changing my mind is weird. Of course this doesn't stop me from eating cold nacho cheese straight from the refrigerator. Nope.

Big Hugs.

kristi said...

I think you are doing great!

kristi said...

I think you are doing great!

Kiki said...

Don't give up. 40 pounds is fantastic! Just remember, men don't want to go to bed with a sack of bones.

Angie said...

Well, my friend. . .I thought I left a comment before, but I guess not.

I am proud of you. I think you're doing wonderful.

. . .and I thought of you today, as I walked through your least favorite place...the CH Walmart. (It is tax-free weekend. . .I couldn't resist)!!

Rachel said...

Dude! You have minions!!! I would love to have minions!

Holy crap, 40 pounds! That is great. I am so proud of you. When the other stuff is stressing you out, try to think about all you've done so far and how much willpower you've shown.

Or just go kick anon's ass. That'll burn stress as well as calories!

Saphira said...

if ANONYMOUS had any balls what so ever they would have a blog! usually when someone is that mean it's because you are writing what they are feeling and THEY just don't have the BALLS to do it! so fuck them who ever they are! STOP READING THIS BLOG IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT AND KISS MY ASS!

Tara said...

Good for you!

Proud to be part of your minions.

Captain Steve said...

I hate that when I have a bad night at work I immediately start thinking about what I can eat when I get home or if I have enough cash to pick something up.

The other night I dreamt that me and my friend were being carried by a giant with wings who could change size at will. We were flying down the Mississippi and we were at war with other giants with wings who were trying to kill us.

DaisyBug said...

Anonymous isn't worth the time and effort - but I just can't seem to help myself, why post as anonymous? It's like crank calling people about prince albert in the can - pussy. Next time you post something snarky - have some balls and identify yourself.

Anywho - This post was completely genuine and relatable. I am right there with you... totally. And it SUCKS! You want to quit drinking? Stop drinking. You want to stop gambling? Keep your ass out of the casino - no moderation is required - you simply must stop. You want to lose weight as a compulsive eater? Good freaking luck. It is wicked hard. Chin up - keep up the good work.

ekbetsy said...

You are so not alone! I have a lousy relationship with food too, and I hate what it makes me and how it makes me feel - like I'm just not good enough. The difference is that I've NEVER been able to overcome it, and you're doing great! Keep it up, it'll get better. It just has to.

Jodi said...

Anonymous, You are very brave to be able to say whats really on your mind. Ass hole! you weren't brave enough to use your name. Don't come hang out with Chick if you don't like it. We all love her and her antics, grow up! Do you think we are all going to be enlightened by your comment, like you shared the meaning of life? No dickwad...you were rude. You did not share some great wisdom, you were rude!!

Amanda Daybyday said...

40 pounds! Awesome. I LOVE food too. LOVE it. I actually have a post I'm about to write about how much I love it. But there's a balance and you'll find it. Stay strong.