Saturday, August 02, 2008

Helpful hints for Saturday morning grocery shopping.

Dear Sir,

You know, I'm not quite sure what that was on your child's face. I mean, it was only 7:42am and the Deli/Bakery department was not yet open, so it couldn't be chocolate. But I digress.

The big container of Wet-Wipes at the front of the store? Was clearly labeled "LYSOL WIPES". Sir. You do NOT WIPE A CHILD'S FACE with LYSOL WIPES. The reason that the child started shrieking was NOT because he or she did not want their face washed. It was because whatever is in those Lysol wipes is not meant for the FACE. I mean, clearly you did not know this, because when I said, "Sir? Those are Lysol wipes" you gave me a distinct f-you look. It's meant to clean crap off countertops or, in the case of the supermarket, sticky stuff off the cart handles. Not the poop or chocolate or whatever was on your child's face.


Thank you,
A concerned parent

Dear bitch who was trying to check out,

Yes. You have to use the u-Scan. Everyone has to use the u-Scan before 8:30am. There are no lanes open. There is no one to scan your groceries for you. There is no one to pack your groceries back in your cart. There is no one to roll your cart out to your car and help you put the groceries in the back.

Saying, in a really snotty voice, to the grocery store clerk "I can't scan my own groceries! I have a MASTERS DEGREE" not only makes you look like a huge tool, but also makes you a completely vapid bitch. Also? Did you notice that clerk giving you a complete f-you look? Because she did.

And you still had to scan your own groceries.

You? Are a cockslap.

Have a great day!
That Chick who had $200 worth of groceries and scanned every bit of it. With no assistance.

Dear two guys who were trying to make out without anyone seeing them,

Perhaps you two are not comfortable with your own sexuality or whatnot, but the produce aisle at the local Kroger is not the place to get your groove on. Especially before 8am.

Get a room.

That Chick

Dear Crabby-ass two hundred year old man attempting to get your prescription,

Douche, please. Number one, the pharmacy WAS OPEN. Just because your crabby-ass didn't walk all the way around to verify this does not mean it wasn't true. You bitching at the grocery clerk just made you look like a douchebag.

Second, I know it was really early and everything, but dude. If you're going to be such a pissy little bitch, then SLEEP FOR ANOTHER HOUR instead of going to Kroger and being a dick to everyone. It's not rocket science.

Finally, even though you were a complete ass-face to the grocery clerk after you walked away (or stormed out, as much as two hundred year old man can "storm") she said, "That poor old man. He probably feels bad". And you know what? Maybe you do. And I'm sorry you do.

But my grandma? She died about a month ago. And she was 94. And she was in a lot of pain.

And she was still sweet and kind and pleasant and loving and I never, ever, EVER heard her say one bad word about anyone. Except Republicans.

So you know what? You make a choice to be an asshole. And that's your choice. But it's not because you are old.

It's because you are an asshole. Even if you feel bad. You're still just an asshole.

So. Fix that.
-That Chick


Morgan said...

Maybe the old man *needed* another hour of sleep? LOL.

You? Are hilarious.

Anonymous said...

And all that before 8h00!! Shops are definately full of delightful people!

Heather said...

Lysol wipes on that poor child's face?!?!?! I hope he/she is OK!!!

Kimberly said...

I was going to go shopping today...but now, I think I'll stay home and cuddle the kids and bake my own darn bread.


kristi said...

Girl, people are assholes at the grocery store. I hate it.

Ron said...

Thanks for a great laugh this morning. Cockslap is a great word!

the planet of janet said...

i love your letters.

Daphne said...

Cockslap! Lol. I see a lot of crabby people at the grocery store too, what gives?

Midlife Mama said...

Hmmm . . . I'd been thinking that by getting up early and going grocery shopping, that perhaps it would be worth it, because I'd avoid all the weirdos. Perhaps not. Seems they are there ALL the time. Hoo boy. I want to know where the *normal* people grocery shop. I am guessing they shop at the expensive stores like Trader Joes. I have to shop at the warehouse stores 'cuz they have cheap prices, and Lordy the trash that shop those stores. YIKES!!

Thanks for the laugh this morning. I'll be looking for fodder for my blog when I grocery shop later, with the masses.

zakary said...

Two months ago, I was at the deli counter of Albertson's and this lady FREAKED out on the deli guy (who was very sweet and probably 19) because he didn't put the paper sheets in between her cheese slices. She was very rude and he didn't understand what she was saying because she was being passive aggresive, saying things like, "Well, I guess the cheese will just stick together".

She blew up at him and called him the N word.

I had both my kids with me and I wanted to punch her in the face. 2 other people heard her and stepped in. When she went to find a manager, they followed her. It made me sad.

That's why I go grocery shopping very late at night.

Angie said...

Wow. Was this MY Kroger (LOL) because I. . .

1) wasn't up yet.
2) thought they would have checkers before 8:30 a.m.
3) wish I would have been there

Stunned. People are just stunningly dumb.

Stephanie said...

Sometimes shopping is just not worth the trouble. Sometimes I wish I lived in NYC where I could order in any kind of food I wanted.

Twisted Cinderella said...

Too true! I got groceries yesterday morning too.

B&K said...

Wowzers so they're like that early in the a.m. too eh? You know, I went grocery shopping yesterday too, (later -- much later!) and found the stores to be unbearably crowded, then I realized -- it's the first weekend of the month! Not only did most people just get paid, but people got their food stamps, and social security checks were out. The stores were so crowded it took the patience of a saint to get through it. Which is definitely not me.

Yikes. Remind me not to do THAT again!

EE said...

I love your letters!
Really??? Lysol wipes on the face???? Painful!

Captain Steve said...

I love it when you do these! And I will now begin to use cockslap more often. Thank you for increasing my vocabulary.

Jocelyn said...

Oh, you just made me love your grandma even more. And you.

What a host of asswipes.

Anonymous said...

You know, I hate those u-Scan things too and I don't even have a Masters degree. How the heck do you scan produce? I'm totally paranoid that I'd have a gazillion people waiting in line behind my ignorant ass when I don't know how to scan bananas.

CPA Mom said...

ROFLMAO!! I hope to GOD you are keeping these Letters in book form. Cause I want to buy it. Stat.

Julie said...

Holy shit - you were at the grocery store at 7:30am on a Saturday? I wonder what goes on at my store that early in the morning - I doubt men making out but who knows?!

Rachel said...

Seems like if you have a Master's degree you would know how to scan your own groceries.

Reluctant Housewife said...

Lysol wipes! Argh! That poor kid.

Since when does a masters degree mean you can't scan your own groceries? I thought education was supposed to make you smarter? Apparently not.