Helpful hints for Saturday morning grocery shopping.

Dear Sir,

You know, I'm not quite sure what that was on your child's face. I mean, it was only 7:42am and the Deli/Bakery department was not yet open, so it couldn't be chocolate. But I digress.

The big container of Wet-Wipes at the front of the store? Was clearly labeled "LYSOL WIPES". Sir. You do NOT WIPE A CHILD'S FACE with LYSOL WIPES. The reason that the child started shrieking was NOT because he or she did not want their face washed. It was because whatever is in those Lysol wipes is not meant for the FACE. I mean, clearly you did not know this, because when I said, "Sir? Those are Lysol wipes" you gave me a distinct f-you look. It's meant to clean crap off countertops or, in the case of the supermarket, sticky stuff off the cart handles. Not the poop or chocolate or whatever was on your child's face.

DON'T DO THAT.

Thank you,
A concerned parent



Dear bitch who was trying to check out,

Yes. You have to use the u-Scan. Everyone has to use the u-Scan before 8:30am. There are no lanes open. There is no one to scan your groceries for you. There is no one to pack your groceries back in your cart. There is no one to roll your cart out to your car and help you put the groceries in the back.

Saying, in a really snotty voice, to the grocery store clerk "I can't scan my own groceries! I have a MASTERS DEGREE" not only makes you look like a huge tool, but also makes you a completely vapid bitch. Also? Did you notice that clerk giving you a complete f-you look? Because she did.

And you still had to scan your own groceries.

You? Are a cockslap.

Have a great day!
That Chick who had $200 worth of groceries and scanned every bit of it. With no assistance.


Dear two guys who were trying to make out without anyone seeing them,

Perhaps you two are not comfortable with your own sexuality or whatnot, but the produce aisle at the local Kroger is not the place to get your groove on. Especially before 8am.

Get a room.

Hugs!
That Chick



Dear Crabby-ass two hundred year old man attempting to get your prescription,

Douche, please. Number one, the pharmacy WAS OPEN. Just because your crabby-ass didn't walk all the way around to verify this does not mean it wasn't true. You bitching at the grocery clerk just made you look like a douchebag.

Second, I know it was really early and everything, but dude. If you're going to be such a pissy little bitch, then SLEEP FOR ANOTHER HOUR instead of going to Kroger and being a dick to everyone. It's not rocket science.

Finally, even though you were a complete ass-face to the grocery clerk after you walked away (or stormed out, as much as two hundred year old man can "storm") she said, "That poor old man. He probably feels bad". And you know what? Maybe you do. And I'm sorry you do.

But my grandma? She died about a month ago. And she was 94. And she was in a lot of pain.

And she was still sweet and kind and pleasant and loving and I never, ever, EVER heard her say one bad word about anyone. Except Republicans.

So you know what? You make a choice to be an asshole. And that's your choice. But it's not because you are old.

It's because you are an asshole. Even if you feel bad. You're still just an asshole.

So. Fix that.
-That Chick