Thursday, October 09, 2008

Open Letters: I-have-to-drive-85-miles-every-day-what's-your-excuse-edition!

Dear guy in the black pick-up truck,

Clearly, you are a man who enjoys all things related to the male anatomy, as evidenced by the items displayed on the back of your vehicle. The Calvin peeing on George Bush, the nutsack you had hanging on your tailgate, and especially, oh so most especially, your homemade bumper stickers.

As a concerned citizen, however, I feel it is my civic duty to inform you that if you are going to make yourself a bright yellow bumper sticker that reads:

"IF YOU LIKE MY TRUCK YOU SHOULD SEE MY PEENIS"?

You should use your spell-check.

In case you aren't quick (and I just have no idea what would bring me to that conclusion, but humor me), the word you are referring to is spelled PENIS. I can see how you would be confused seeing as how you use your PENIS to PEE. But seriously. PEENIS doesn't mean anything.

So you might want to fix that because it's probably sort of maybe likely that's why the chicks aren't flocking to see your penis.

XOXOX!
That Chick





Dear lady who almost killed me on Tuesday,

Hon, I know how exciting Wal-Mart must be for you, what with their low, low prices and good value on things like cheese, but for real. You must learn to read street signs.

Because that road you came out of? Was clearly marked RIGHT TURN ONLY. I've been on it. I've checked. It does not say, "GO LEFT, CUTTING ACROSS FOUR LANES OF TRAFFIC, WITHOUT LOOKING". I'm positive it doesn't.

And I know I scared you when I jammed on my brakes and my brakes locked up and skidded ten feet and left huge skid marks on the road. It scared me a lot as well and there was nothing I could do about it because you decided you didn't want to, you know, go fifteen feet more and turn around. I mean, I know the experience of shopping at Wal-Mart is some sort of gratifying mecca in your universe, but really? You aren't allowed to be stupid and almost kill me. I do enough of that crap by myself.

Anyway. Work on that. There are people out there who love me and I'm pretty sure they'd come after you if you killed me. And have you seen my husband? He could totally kick your ass.

Thanks,
That Chick





Dear Lady who lives two streets over from me,

Bitch, please.

I know you are like 200 years old and things like cars confuse you greatly, but if you stand in your yard and point at me as I go by one more time? I'm going to break your finger off and shove it up your nose.

Let me clarify a few things Gertrude:

PEOPLE DRIVE ON STREETS.
I AM DRIVING THE SPEED LIMIT ON A PUBLIC STREET.
YOU DO NOT OWN THE STREET, DESPITE THE FACT THAT THE STREET IS IN FRONT OF YOUR HOME.

I was not raised right but somehow managed to overcome that and I know that it is not polite to point at people. However, I have taught Boy and Girl Child to point and laugh at you every time they see you. And I do not feel guilty about it. No, not at all.

XOXOXO!!!
That Chick

22 comments:

Rottie_mom said...

OMG too funny. Love them all!

Kimberly said...

Oh hun, I know this is your life but I can't help laughing like mad over it all!

Angie said...

And, they're totally real. That's what kills me.

Our Moments said...

I was behind a truck this week leaving work that had a nutsack hanging off his trailer hitch! I was appalled. I didn't even know something like that existed and why? Why would someone want to put that on their truck?

I don't get it.

CPA Mom said...

Bitch, please! My Grandmother's name was Gertrude.

Other than that, you are in fine form today!

xoxoxo

Dawn~a~Bon said...

Boy, Truck Guy's mom must be so proud!

Stephanie said...

Seriously? Your open letters are THE BEST! I am totally laughing out loud... in cubeland... thanks a lot!

~Mountain Lover~ said...

Trucknuts. Gotta love them! Better than an "I'm stupid" sign...

SJ said...

Chick I could read your open letters all.day.long! I love them!

I love that you have Boy Child and Girl Child pointing at the old lady when you drive past, that's hilariuos. And really, what's her deal?

Sarcasta-Mom said...

I love it when you do Open Letters!
Thanks for giving me a good laugh on a day when I really needed it...

HM said...

I'm going to be driving 57 miles one way here soon, I can only imagine the things I will encounter :)

Kiki said...

Chick... I am on vacation in Mexico but I still had to check in on you to see what you are writing about. You are a funny one!

Keetha said...

Oh, that had me laughing out loud. Especially the bumper sticker. Peenis indeed.

Hotpants McGee said...

Ok, so it's me. I have been lurking around all week, reading massive amounts of posts. I like your blog. I think you are hilarious. I think we may be distantly related, we are so alike. Anyways, just wanted to say hi. I just started a blog, don't feel compelled to read it, I have only 3 posts so far. So, HI! It's me. I know that you have probably been wondering. Have a good one.

Captain Steve said...

I hate it when people slow down on an on ramp. Why? Why must they do this?

Rachel said...

I think you should write a book of open letters. If you move here, you would have so many potential letters you could write several editions.

Amy W said...

I agree with Rachel, write a book of open letters!!

Julie said...

Peenis - for real? What a dumb ass.

I am Trish Marie said...

Back many years ago (okay it really wasn't all that many years ago, but let's pretend for sake of making me look more mature now) we, my coworkers and I, noticed a truck pull up to our office with those truck balls. We all started giggling, and then of course grabbed a camera, ran out to the parking lot, and posed in lewd positions with the truck balls. It was all good 'till the owner walked out and caught us. Apparently he understood we were making fun of his truck balls.

Emma in Canada said...

oh that last comment made me laugh!

at least he had calvin peeing on george bush, i'm sort of for that.

julesofdenial said...

Peenis.

Ohmyhell... can't stop laughing.

julesofdenial said...

Peenis.

Ohmyhell... can't stop laughing.