Dear guy in the black pick-up truck,
Clearly, you are a man who enjoys all things related to the male anatomy, as evidenced by the items displayed on the back of your vehicle. The Calvin peeing on George Bush, the nutsack you had hanging on your tailgate, and especially, oh so most especially, your homemade bumper stickers.
As a concerned citizen, however, I feel it is my civic duty to inform you that if you are going to make yourself a bright yellow bumper sticker that reads:
"IF YOU LIKE MY TRUCK YOU SHOULD SEE MY PEENIS"?
You should use your spell-check.
In case you aren't quick (and I just have no idea what would bring me to that conclusion, but humor me), the word you are referring to is spelled PENIS. I can see how you would be confused seeing as how you use your PENIS to PEE. But seriously. PEENIS doesn't mean anything.
So you might want to fix that because it's probably sort of maybe likely that's why the chicks aren't flocking to see your penis.
Dear lady who almost killed me on Tuesday,
Hon, I know how exciting Wal-Mart must be for you, what with their low, low prices and good value on things like cheese, but for real. You must learn to read street signs.
Because that road you came out of? Was clearly marked RIGHT TURN ONLY. I've been on it. I've checked. It does not say, "GO LEFT, CUTTING ACROSS FOUR LANES OF TRAFFIC, WITHOUT LOOKING". I'm positive it doesn't.
And I know I scared you when I jammed on my brakes and my brakes locked up and skidded ten feet and left huge skid marks on the road. It scared me a lot as well and there was nothing I could do about it because you decided you didn't want to, you know, go fifteen feet more and turn around. I mean, I know the experience of shopping at Wal-Mart is some sort of gratifying mecca in your universe, but really? You aren't allowed to be stupid and almost kill me. I do enough of that crap by myself.
Anyway. Work on that. There are people out there who love me and I'm pretty sure they'd come after you if you killed me. And have you seen my husband? He could totally kick your ass.
Dear Lady who lives two streets over from me,
I know you are like 200 years old and things like cars confuse you greatly, but if you stand in your yard and point at me as I go by one more time? I'm going to break your finger off and shove it up your nose.
Let me clarify a few things Gertrude:
PEOPLE DRIVE ON STREETS.
I AM DRIVING THE SPEED LIMIT ON A PUBLIC STREET.
YOU DO NOT OWN THE STREET, DESPITE THE FACT THAT THE STREET IS IN FRONT OF YOUR HOME.
I was not raised right but somehow managed to overcome that and I know that it is not polite to point at people. However, I have taught Boy and Girl Child to point and laugh at you every time they see you. And I do not feel guilty about it. No, not at all.