One time, not long ago I believe, someone left a comment for me that said,
"I feel sorry for your husband".
And I was all like, "Bitch, please".
And then I laughed.
And then? I felt sorry for him also.
Because Jesus. I'm so not easy to live with.
Lately, like every eleven seconds, I keep saying to him, "You know what?" and he says, "What?" and I go, "I SOLD MY BOOK!" In my OUTSIDE voice. And then he's like, "You might have mentioned that seven hundred times already, babe". But he says it kindly, so I don't think he's really all that upset.
His life is on display. Because of me. He doesn't want his life to be on display. He doesn't keep up with people. He's not outgoing. We live in a house in which, if we ever had to somehow become part of the Federal Witness Protection Program? We wouldn't even have to move. No one can find us. We're out here on our own. And he didn't intend to marry someone who writes stories or tells tales on the internet about her infertility struggle or him brushing his beard. I'm pretty sure about all of this.
And he still loves me.
And if all of that isn't annoying enough for him and probably a total divorcable offense? Recently I told him about a study that I heard about on the radio, so you know it was really, really scientific and whatnot, which said that people who get divorced and people who stay married are really only separated by one thing. Four hugs a day.
So I told him all about it and since then he's made a special effort to hug me four times a day. True, he LOUDLY COUNTS each hug, just so I'll be sure and not ever accuse him of shortchanging me on the hugs and that can get a little annoying sometimes. But still. I get four hugs and we aren't getting a divorce.
So I finally had to tell him that yes, I've written a book and yes, someone actually want to publish said book, and yes, after several weeks of careful thought and consideration I'm agreeing to all of this happening. He asked me what the book was about and I said, "Well, basically it's the period of time between which I was divorced from my first husband and then met you".
He was very quiet and then finally said, in a sad voice, "Well, neither one of us were virgins when we met".
And I was like, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JASON, IT'S NOT A SEX BOOK!"
Then he looked relieved, which made me happy because I love him and stuff but then? He looked scared again and said, "How much about me is actually in this book?"
And I said, "Oh, hardly anything at all. A couple of lines. At the end. People will totally be bored by then".
I waited for two seconds and then said,
"But the next one? It's COMPLETELY about you".
It must suck to be him.