I don't do well with the whole "resolution" thing, as I've mentioned before. If you'd read my blog for a while this should come as no surprise to you since
1) I have the attention span of a gnat
2) I am generally very inappropriate and it's hard for me to have do things like "keep a schedule" and "be normal"
4) I don't remember but basically it's bad.
Instead? I make goals. Because goals sound nicer and I can write them down and might possibly even remember to read what I wrote down every now and then.
My only goal from last year was to have something published. I've had several things published online and in February my first book will be coming out, so I'm counting that one a victory.
My goal for next year?
To be better.
I told Jason this goal and became keenly aware of how very little he gets me sometimes. Because what he said was, "You're doing okay. You are doing pretty good. We have a house, you have a nice car, you have a degree and a job. Your life is pretty good, right?"
And it's not about that at all. You know? Because a whole lot of people who have nicer homes and cars and fancier degrees than I do? Completely suck at life.
I don't want to suck at life. That's the whole point.
Because it's never been about my bank account for me. Or what kind of car I drive. Or if I have the nicest house in my neighborhood (which I do, but my neighborhood is somewhat a crack den, so that's not saying much). It's about who I am as a person, how I'm raising my children, and frankly, whether I can sleep at night.
I'm not proud of how I've done everything in my life. I've made some decisions which are less than respectable. I've lost my temper when I needed to hold my tongue. Also? I've put up with a lot more crap than I should from people who didn't deserve the time of day, much less my respect and affection.
It's a balance, I guess. One that I clearly do not have.
I want to do better at that.
I have a friend from high school named Kristina who I reconnected with on Facebook.
She is a good person and it seems so effortless for her. Everyone likes her. She likes everyone (okay, maybe not, but you'd never know it). There's a certain kind of goodness and light in her and she's way, way less sarcastic than I am.
I want to be more like her. I want to be good like that.
My Aunt Tracie is a kind-hearted loving person who has dealt with numerous blows in her life that would make me regress to hiding under my bed, sucking my thumb and wimpering. She doesn't do any of that. She's happy and loving and gives so much of herself to everyone she knows. I know it's not effortless for her, but she's genuinely a kind, loving, good person.
I want to be more like her. I want to be a genuine, good person.
I'm grateful for who I am and what I have. I don't know if it's possible to be better, just by virtue of wanting to be better.
I just know I'm going to try. For me and for everyone who knows me.
Because I want to do better.