Wednesday, December 31, 2008

More ways to fail.

I don't do well with the whole "resolution" thing, as I've mentioned before. If you'd read my blog for a while this should come as no surprise to you since
1) I have the attention span of a gnat
2) I am generally very inappropriate and it's hard for me to have do things like "keep a schedule" and "be normal"
3) What?
4) I don't remember but basically it's bad.

Instead? I make goals. Because goals sound nicer and I can write them down and might possibly even remember to read what I wrote down every now and then.

My only goal from last year was to have something published. I've had several things published online and in February my first book will be coming out, so I'm counting that one a victory.

My goal for next year?

To be better.


I told Jason this goal and became keenly aware of how very little he gets me sometimes. Because what he said was, "You're doing okay. You are doing pretty good. We have a house, you have a nice car, you have a degree and a job. Your life is pretty good, right?"

And it's not about that at all. You know? Because a whole lot of people who have nicer homes and cars and fancier degrees than I do? Completely suck at life.

I don't want to suck at life. That's the whole point.

Because it's never been about my bank account for me. Or what kind of car I drive. Or if I have the nicest house in my neighborhood (which I do, but my neighborhood is somewhat a crack den, so that's not saying much). It's about who I am as a person, how I'm raising my children, and frankly, whether I can sleep at night.

I'm not proud of how I've done everything in my life. I've made some decisions which are less than respectable. I've lost my temper when I needed to hold my tongue. Also? I've put up with a lot more crap than I should from people who didn't deserve the time of day, much less my respect and affection.

It's a balance, I guess. One that I clearly do not have.

I want to do better at that.

I have a friend from high school named Kristina who I reconnected with on Facebook.
She is a good person and it seems so effortless for her. Everyone likes her. She likes everyone (okay, maybe not, but you'd never know it). There's a certain kind of goodness and light in her and she's way, way less sarcastic than I am.

I want to be more like her. I want to be good like that.

My Aunt Tracie is a kind-hearted loving person who has dealt with numerous blows in her life that would make me regress to hiding under my bed, sucking my thumb and wimpering. She doesn't do any of that. She's happy and loving and gives so much of herself to everyone she knows. I know it's not effortless for her, but she's genuinely a kind, loving, good person.

I want to be more like her. I want to be a genuine, good person.

I'm grateful for who I am and what I have. I don't know if it's possible to be better, just by virtue of wanting to be better.

I just know I'm going to try. For me and for everyone who knows me.


Because I want to do better.

11 comments:

CPA Mom said...

Me too.

Jane was like that. A genuinely good, kind and beautiful person.

WWJD (what would Jane do) is how I try to live my life now that I've lost her and I think I have failed miserably.

so in 2009, I need to do better.

Patience said...

Happy, happy 2009!!

Dawn~a~Bon said...

Happy New Year! FWIW I admire you and think you don't suck at life AT ALL. But good luck with your goal. I haven't even THOUGHT of a resolution/goal yet, so you're way ahead of me.

Betsey Booms said...

Happy New Year! I love the idea of "goals"... You rock!

KrustyLynn said...

This morning I was just thinking, "that chick is a really good role model for people to look up to. She's nice to almost everyone, but assertive when it's appropriate. She's real, and humble, and open about things. She's transparent and doesn't fake being something she isn't. I'm glad that I stumbled across her blog..."

No really. I really did think about that this morning. Strangely enough it was while I was showering. But I just thought you might like to know. :)

giants fan said...

that was my goal last year... become a better me. I think I did okay.

Jan said...

I think that is a wonderful goal and one that I need to make.

Teena in Toronto said...

Happy new year!

Kellie said...

I need to do the same.

I? Think you rock :)

Happy New Year!!

Emma in Canada said...

My local paper had a great article on resolutions, and what the definition should really be. I was planning to do a post on it, along with my goals, which are always the same...lose weight (I gained a good 15 this year), stop yelling at my kids, keep a cleaner house, be a better mum.

I fail at them all every year. Though this year I think I improved on the house front.

Keetha said...

You keep being you. We can all strive to be better while keeping our essential selves. Your self is pretty cool. :-) Happy New Year!