Tuesday, February 10, 2009

SCREAM, SCREAM, SCREAM!

Dear Person who was oh so wrong,

Person, you might want to check your facts before you tell everyone and their brother that I'm wrong. Because, actually, you were wrong. And now you look even more stupid. So, you know, congrats.

Thanks!
Stephanie




Dear Girl on the elliptical at the gym,

Listen hon, I want to like you.

Despite the fact that you weigh like three pounds and you are ridiculously cute and you have really pretty hair and never, ever seem to break a sweat even when you are working out like a mo-fo. Seriously. I want to like you.

I would like you a lot more if you didn't TALK THE ENTIRE TIME YOU SEE ME.

Actually, if you want to talk that would be okay. We can talk about politics. The weather. The state of the economy. We can even talk about cheese. I love cheese. Any of these would be okay.

I do not, however, want to talk about:
1) How your heart rate is really high and you aren't even sweating at all.
2) Where your boyfriend is taking you to dinner.
3) How beautiful your boyfriend's eyes are.
4) Your mom and them.

Okay? I don't know you and these things don't interest me. Except the first one, which makes me want to hit you.

Also? There are exactly two ellipticals in the women's only room. One of them has the arms that move. The other doesn't. Please. For the love of God. Do NOT get on the one that has the arms that move and stand there NOT USING THE ARMS. I want to use the arms. Currently when my own arms move fast they make a REALLY HORRIBLE SLAPPING NOISE. I would like to make that stop. Please use the other elliptical.

Bye!
Stephanie





Dear places that are selling my book,

Please. For the love of God. Stock the book.

Love you!
Stephanie





Dear Lady who just had eight babies,

Dude. What the crap? I can't keep fourteen plants alive, much less fourteen kids.

I know you like Angelina Jolie and are trying to look like her and be like her and whatever, but she's got a lot more money than you. And probably a lot more money than, say...all the citizens of the state of Virginia put together. Okay? So she can afford such things.

So. Um. Think about that.

-Stephanie


Dear My Butt,

Please shrink.

Kisses!
Stephanie





Dear This Awful Day,

I'm glad you are almost over.

See ya never,
Stephanie

11 comments:

stangman67fb said...

even when you are having a bad day, your blog can lift someone elses with a laugh...like it just did mine. remember whenever you see someone who doesnt have a smile to give them one of yours.

be blessed

BS said...

I 2nd the comment above AND I "heart" Amazon.com - they got my book to me ahead of their schedule - Love it, Love it - LOVE IT! When will part 2 be out?

SJ said...

Okay, I'm so glad that I'm not the only one that thinks that the Mom of the 8 babies looks like a botched up version of Angelina Jolie. Because she totally does.

Hope the rest of your week gets better!

Patience said...

HAHAHAHA! Sorry you had a rough day. But remember, it could be worse! You could have 8 newborn babies plus 6 more and have no money or job or husband to pay for them.

Why doncha just tell the fat woman if she's not gonna use the arms, she should use the other machine! And SHUT UP!!

FUZZARELLY said...

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?’

‘We’re taking Continental,’ was the reply. ‘We got a great rate!’

‘Continental?’ exclaimed the hairdresser. ‘That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly , and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?’

‘We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome ’s Tiber River called Teste.’

‘Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they’re overpriced.

So, whatcha’ doing when you get there?’

‘We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.’

‘That’s rich ,’ laughed the hairdresser. ‘You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.’

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

‘It was wonderful,’ explained the woman, ‘not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $ 5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!’

‘Well,’ muttered the hairdresser, ‘that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.’

‘Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.’

‘Oh, really! What ‘d he say ?’

He said: ‘Where’d you get the crappy Hairdo?

Twisted Cinderella said...

Boy have I ever wanted to write letters like these on occasion.

ohthatgirl said...

Love the letters, ha!

Joli-mamma-wannabe scares me. I heard on the news this morning that she stated that having octuplets was God's way of telling her it was time to stop having kids. Really? I think she's been ignoring the "signs" for a while now...

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

Those poor babies. What will happen when she loses all of them for her crazy? Ugh.

CPA Mom said...

dude. she DOES look like her. Have you seen this: http://www.mamarazzi.org/2009/02/it-curious-case.html

Not only does Jolie have money, she actually has an involved partner. This girl is nuts.

Lil Mouse said...

now that's funny

Wenderina said...

you remain the queen of open letters. Never stop.