Friday, June 05, 2009

Open Letters: It's been a while, hons edition!

Dear Lady picking up kids at the same place I'm picking up my kids,

Bitch, please.

Listen, I know you are a whole lot more important than me. I totally get that. But, you know? It's still kind of rank of you to hang out in the parking lot with every single door of your vehicle open, blocking the parking spaces on both sides.

I mean, I thought for a moment that maybe you just didn't realize how utterly you were inconveniencing everyone else who was in the parking lot and you know, didn't want to require their children to walk across a crowded, busy parking lot where people drive like maniacs and instead wanted to park close by so the children wouldn't be potentially killed, but when I, very politely, asked if you if you could please shut just ONE of your doors so I could park? And you said, "Why? Because your fat ass needs to get your pizza? Can't you just walk?" You pretty much proved to me what a complete cockslap you really are.

Oh, and by the way sweetie face? Just because there is a pizza place next to where my kids are? Doesn't mean I'm going in there. And I guess you were pretty surprised to see me walking in to the SAME PLACE YOU WERE GOING.

Maybe next time? You might not want to say anything quite so bitchy until you see exactly where the person to whom you are being a Bitchface is going. Because I suppose I made it pretty uncomfortable for you once we were both in there.

Love and kisses!

PS: I walk seven miles a day. Thanks for caring, though.

Dear Boss,

You? Pretty much rock.


Dear Bosses Boss,

You? Also rock.


Dear 12,000 jobs I currently have,

I'm glad to have you, even if you wear me out.


Dear 4:45am,

Bite me hard.


Dear my thighs,

Go to hell and die.

Love and kisses,

Dear next book,

Get outta my dreams. Get into my car.

Or the paper. Whatever.


Dear weekend,

Come ON.



Anonymous said...

O M G what a bitch!!! Seriously, I'd so slap her into next week!

By the way my sis and I use "bitch, please" routinely, which gets substituted by "Gucci, please" (my bitchy 24lbs almost 14yr old terrormix female dog, who is going blind and deaf and can still beat up 100 lbs dogs!) in polite company :)

Hope you have a great weekend!

Patience said...

I do believe that lovely lady would have lost several of her car doors that day!

This reminds me of the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes" [if you haven't seen it you really need to!] when the "sweet young thing" stole her parking place and said "I'm younger and faster". To which old lady star of the show replied - after ramming her big ol' car into sweet thing's faster car - "well I'm older and I have more insurance!"

Chelle said...

YIKES. Bitchface deserved a slap for that comment for sure! You're so much the better person for her - and i hope she was squirming big time when you followed her into the next place.

Love your other letters too - esp. the one to your thighs :D

Kimberly said...

You are such a hoot! How you can make me giggle AND want to hurt that lady at the same time I just don't know . . .

kristi said...

OMG..she did not say that! She would have been jackslapped!

Dawn~a~Bon said...

OMG what a hateful b*tch! I want to kick her shins AND her car!

Nicole said...

You should have gone next door and bought a pizza. Then tossed it face down right into her open car door.

Erin said...

Oh no she didn't! What a bitch.

Amy Bennett said...

Wow, can not believe that! What is the problem with people??

Love the post though.

Lil Mouse said...

beastly! your letters addition, want to kick some butt? as for the good news? rock on lady, rock on! my old boss (I mean former) was into some sort of southern writers thing, but I dont think it was exactly the one you were in, but if you run across Jeff Abernathy, tell him his old (not old) secretary says hi.

Reluctant Housewife said...

She said that to you? Oh my god. People like that make me hope karma is real because they are so going to get their asses kicked if it is.

Midlife Mama said...

OMG what is WRONG with the people where you live??? I have never in all my born days heard of people as rude as the ones where you live. I mean really. Seriously? What happened to "southern hospitality"??? Where does that lady get off??? Holy shit! I mean really. It boggles the mind.

mythoughtsonthat said...

Oh! You made me laugh!

Ginny said...

Ooooh, how fun was that, making her squirm???? I love those moments. As long as I'm not on the wrong end of them.

Jadekitty said...

Good job on putting that woman in her place!

Lisa Chelle said...

Seriuosly, your my new girl crush. Not in the psycho wierd internet stalker way, just in the I look forward to reading you way.

Jenski said...

People, generally speaking, are pretty sucky. Except all your boss people obviously.

And let me know if telling your thighs to die and go to hell really works. That would be an awesome trick.

Hope you're enjoying your weekend!

M said...

Oh. my. fucking. hell no.

Did you at least give her the fucking death glare? You have GOT to be kidding. I hate people.

Dear Steph,

I appreciate the Billy Ocean song reference but now it's into my MIND. And I can't stop it. I'm not sure how I feel about that...


Going to call her brother in law and get it stuck in HIS head. He's a closet Billy Ocean lover.

alissa said...

Kind of person you just want to spit on.

Bexterrific said...

Bitches be trippin. And I love the Billy Ocean reference, because I'm gay like that.

Oh and my thighs can go to hell too. :)

SJ said...

How in the world did you not kill that woman? My god. What a miserable excuse for a human being.

Love your open letters, you were right - it had been way to long!