Dear Lady picking up kids at the same place I'm picking up my kids,
Listen, I know you are a whole lot more important than me. I totally get that. But, you know? It's still kind of rank of you to hang out in the parking lot with every single door of your vehicle open, blocking the parking spaces on both sides.
I mean, I thought for a moment that maybe you just didn't realize how utterly you were inconveniencing everyone else who was in the parking lot and you know, didn't want to require their children to walk across a crowded, busy parking lot where people drive like maniacs and instead wanted to park close by so the children wouldn't be potentially killed, but when I, very politely, asked if you if you could please shut just ONE of your doors so I could park? And you said, "Why? Because your fat ass needs to get your pizza? Can't you just walk?" You pretty much proved to me what a complete cockslap you really are.
Oh, and by the way sweetie face? Just because there is a pizza place next to where my kids are? Doesn't mean I'm going in there. And I guess you were pretty surprised to see me walking in to the SAME PLACE YOU WERE GOING.
Maybe next time? You might not want to say anything quite so bitchy until you see exactly where the person to whom you are being a Bitchface is going. Because I suppose I made it pretty uncomfortable for you once we were both in there.
Love and kisses!
PS: I walk seven miles a day. Thanks for caring, though.
You? Pretty much rock.
Dear Bosses Boss,
You? Also rock.
Dear 12,000 jobs I currently have,
I'm glad to have you, even if you wear me out.
Bite me hard.
Dear my thighs,
Go to hell and die.
Love and kisses,
Dear next book,
Get outta my dreams. Get into my car.
Or the paper. Whatever.