I can't sleep. This is not news.
At 2:13am I was fumbling through the kitchen to get a glass of water. As I'm pouring water from the light of the refrigerator and trying not to wake up my dog, I heard a terrible noise. Horrible.
It was like this:
SNAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZKKKKK!
It was my husband. Snoring.
I sighed deeply, down to my soul.
As I've mentioned? Things haven't been the greatest lately at home. Not bad, mind you, but not great. A lot of it is my fault, and I know it. I'm ridiculously busy...painfully stressed. My days start early and last long. I have plans, goals, and ideas and because I have plans, goals, and ideas I never, ever, ever stop.
I'm pretty sure I'm not the easiest person on Earth to live with.
Neither is he.
As I chugged my water I started writing a post in my head. This is what I do...I constantly write posts in my head and eventually type them out. A letter to him, maybe? Something half-funny and half-serious about all his flaws and what he needed to do to be a perfect husband.
I finished my water and went back to bed. Before I could climb back in, I had to forcibly shove Jason's leg back to his side of the bed. If I am gone longer than thirty seconds his body automatically occupies the space that I was previously occupying. I don't know how he does it, but he also knows when I am gone, no matter how deeply he's sleeping.
Next to him, trying to sleep I thought about what to do. What to write and what to say. How sad I am that things are so off and how sad I am that yet another person I love is going through a divorce. About how it's so hard for people to stay together and how very, very sad it makes me when things fall apart.
I slept fitfully. I always do. I didn't dream.
At 4:50 my alarm went off and I groggily slapped at it and went about my morning routine. Quietly creeping through the house so I don't wake any of the people who still sleep. Packing up three little lunches, one for me and two for them. Patting the soft part of Ginger's neck gently, so she'll be sure I'm coming back later. Flipping the porch lights on and off three times in case a stupid raccoon is on my porch again. I hate those stupid raccoon bastards.
I climbed into my car, started it, and through bleary-eyes blinked at something on my windshield.
Wait.
Something was on my windshield.
WHAT THE CRAP WAS ON MY WINDSHIELD?
I was so angry. SO. ANGRY. My immediate thought was, "Those stupid kids up the street have THROWN SOMETHING ON MY WINDSHIELD. OH MY GOD! I will STAB THEM IN THEIR STUPID LITTLE IDIOT NECKS! Then! THEN! I'll call their parents and tell them what-"
Wait.
The windshield said, in huge green letters in my husband's handwriting:
I LOVE YOU!
On my windshield. In green letters. Three words, from a man who is not perfect.
I don't deserve him.
I most certainly do not deserve him.
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21 comments:
Aw, so sweet.
Sweetie once snuggled up so close to me, too close to me, and I woke up on the floor! You see, I was too hot, and he was too close.....and I kept moving away from him.
We laugh, now.
You will laugh, too.
Oh how well I know the feeling of those "off times", where you know it's not horrible, but you worry it won't be quite right like it was ever again. So exhausting too, on top of all life's other exhaustions.
And then a moment like that...tears springing to the eyes, and you realize that things are more okay than you thought they were...
Not perfect just...better somehow.
Your post brought tears to my eyes. Hope all gets back to "normal" soon!
So lovely.
And you DO deserve him!
Peace.
Sometimes the fog is a little thick and you can't see it but you do deserve him and he does deserve you. Hang in there. Things will get better soon.
You totally deserve him. Don't ever sell yourself short!
You are an amazingly wonderful woman who loves her family and recognizes that she wants to make things better.
You totally deserve him.
That fact that you appreciate him so much shows just how much you do deserve him. That Jason is such a sweeetie.
How perfect is he? And you as well. Don't you ever forget it.
They are so good at pissing us off. And then so good at disarming us. It's all about living human to human, with all our warts and flaws, and living for those glorious spectacular revelations of love, forgiveness, and sweet sweet peace.
"If I am gone longer than thirty seconds his body automatically occupies the space that I was previously occupying. I don't know how he does it, but he also knows when I am gone, no matter how deeply he's sleeping."
This! I have said it before and I will say it again: I believe our husbands are secretly related.
And also? You deserve him. And he deserves you.
That's so sweet!!!
Dear Stefanie,
Please have your husband start a blog completely devoted to how to be nice to your woman. And then send the link to my husband.
That is the sweetest thing I have heard a husband doing in a long time. I think you probably deserve him more than you realize. Things will get better because you want them to and my guess is you are willing to work on it.
Enjoy that moment for a long time to come.
I could have written your post. We too are going through a rough patch and need to claw our way back up onto the top of our game. It actually is refreshing to me to read that I am not alone.
And as everyone else has already said, you DO most definitely deserve Jason and all of his love.
awwwwww.
I hope your rough patch smoothes over soon..
OH that was too sweet, hugs, things will get better!
Big huge happy sloppy hug!
I know. I totally know.
He's awesome. And human. And. . and. . so are YOU!!
You know that I get it. You know WHY I get it. And you know how badly I need a note like that myself. *sigh* At least I'm not alone.
Love it. For reals.
Man, I love a good love story. In my marriage devotional the other day it said we "need to forgive our spouses the way Jesus forgave us." I was like, 'woah.' Made me appreciate my husband even more because more of the times my gripes are pretty petty and only feel important in the heat of the moment. Jason is a good egg. :)
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