Tuesday, August 04, 2009

What do you do when things suck in your world?

I? Bake.

And when I say I bake? I mean, I really freaking bake.

On my counter? Are brownies. And another pan of brownies, which are low-fat. And a third pan of brownies, which are peanut-butter. PEANUT-BUTTER BROWNIES Y'ALL.

Also? I made cookies. Chocolate chip with chunks of Hershey bar.

The other day? I made homemade blueberry muffins. And cinnamon bread. Two loaves.

And I haven't eaten one bite of any of it. Not even one bite.

Because it's not about eating. It's not even about the food. Maybe years ago the food would have been a comfort. Not now. Now the food seems...dangerous is the wrong word. But maybe dangerous. Maybe I just like living on the edge. I don't know.

I just know I don't mess up when I bake.

See, I get cookies. I pull pans and pans out of my oven and they are beautiful and just right. I've practiced with cookies. I know exactly when to turn the pan. Exactly how much brown sugar to put in. The exact right moment they are ready. Perfect.

And the thing about cookies is? If you screw it up? You can give them to your dog or, if necessary, your trash receptacle. And life goes on. You make another batch and no one knows the difference.

Nothing else in my life is as easy as cookies. Nothing.

I don't understand my husband. Or my work. Or a great number of other things in my life right now.

I can't fix any of it. I feel like everything is so messed up and I don't understand. I mess up so many things on a daily basis and I just feel really helpless in so many areas of my life.

But I understand baking. I don't mess up cookies.

I didn't think chocolate chips were so philosophical. But there you go.


Sarah said...

I so relate to this post. That's what I do too. I get baking. I understand it..some many other things I don't understand.

I get you and your love of baking. =)

Danielle said...

If it makes you feel any better, I love your blog so much, I just ordered your book!

Bexterrific said...

Just stop it right now. We ARE the same person. It is official. I bake too (banana bread is my specialty) - and I NEVER EAT IT EITHER!!!

You are freaking me out.

Anonymous said...

When things suck in my world, I come over to your house and eat all the stuff you baked.

Anonymous said...

I say, whatever works.


Kimberly said...

Oh hun, I'm sorry everything (other than the cookies) is messy and confusing right now. I'm glad you've found something than can make sense though. Sometimes, we desperately need that, I think.

I'm one too said...

Get you a bottle of Prozac, and then you won't care about the other stuff, and sign up to be on the next food network star. you never know they may need a cookie queen

CPA Mom said...

I bake too when I'm upset. Which is why my neighbor is getting so many cookies and breads right now. I wish I could say I don't eat it too but I do. Thus, the fat that never leaves.

Jenski said...

I tend to bake and clean when I feel great. Cleaning though - that's what I do when I'm stressed. Messed up, huh?

If people who do eat the brownies like peppermint, you should crunch up candy canes (or those round peppermint candies) and put those on the brownies before you bake them. Yup!

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear things are so upsetting right now. If baking works for you then do that! And bravo about not eating them!

PaintedPromise said...

if you need someone to eat all that stuff... let me know, i'll get you my address!!!!!


which is so totally wrong as i also need to lose weight. but i suck at baking lol.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Um, hey? The next time your world goes south and you get the baking bug? PLEASE!!!!! Call me. 'Kay? :)