Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Open Letters: It's ONLY TUESDAY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD?!!? Edition

Dear Son,

When you make the face like that angry clown that is inexplicably standing at the front door of my gym? You make me remember why I wanted to become a mother.

Please don't do that face while I'm driving though. I nearly ran off the road in front of a red-light camera I was laughing so hard. Police really have very little sense of humor about such things, so work with me on that.

Love you and love you and love you kid,
Your mom

PS: The time to tell mom that she has a hole in her work-out pants and God and everyone can see her red underwear? Is BEFORE she goes to the gym. Not after she goes to the gym, your Tae Kwon Do school and through the entire Kroger twice. Thanks. Love you.





Dear douchebag in the line at the Kroger behind me,

So sorry that my saving money was such a disruption to your life. I know that I actually purchased something other than a case of beer, a package of bologna and a box of organic butter (for serious? Okay then). And yes, I used coupons. And yes, I spent $92.11 and yes, I SAVED $96.91. So I'm just very sorry that my personal quest to better my financial situation is SO ANNOYING to you that you have to stand behind me drumming your fingers on the counter and blowing your breath out in an irritated way.

Also? Kiss the fattest part of my ass. Douche.

Love!
Stephanie

PS: Yes, I specifically dotted all my i's with smiley faces while writing my check. Just so it would take it extra time. Cause I'm sweet like that.

PSS: I also wrote a check, which I never do. Just to spend extra time in line.

PSSS: Don't mess with a mother. We aren't intimidated by the likes of you. Not even close.





Dear self,

For the love of God. Stop doing dangerous things. Just stop.

Things suck. That is true. Accept your responsibility in how they got to this level of suckage. Own it and do what you can to fix it.

You can't fix anybody but yourself.

Yourself? Needs a lot of work.

Get to work.

I don't love you yet, but I'm working on it. Jerkwad.
-Me

PS: It's okay to buy yourself some new workout pants. It really is.

9 comments:

Hockey Mom said...

God, it seemed like a lifetime before I finally figured out the "you can't fix anybody but yourself." So much wasted energy... But once you get it, it's very freeing!

Crystal said...

the guy in the grocery store really sounds like a douche! who buys organic butter with beer anyway?!

btw, i just finished reading your book and it was hilarious! your blogs always give me a chuckle!

celi.a said...

HA! Thanks for the laughs. You = awesome. No, really.

Danielle said...

I don't get it? Why don't you love yourself yet? Because you are awesome so you should. There.

Anne-Kathrine said...

LOL I have to say your son cracks me up. Guy in line well sucks big ones lol. And love yourself we do!

Karen Cupcake said...

hahahaha! LOVED this post!

Boriqua said...

Guy in line is definitely stupid as he bypassed the self checkout line. Those were invented for people with three random items. Sheesh.

Amen to us only being able to fix ourselves. I can't tell you how often I hear someone complain about something in their life and my response is always "Then DO SOMETHING to change that."

ZDub said...

This just happened to me at the grocery store yesterday except it was a older woman buying 19 frozen Lean Cuisine dinners and cat food.

Sorry about your pants. :)

CPA Mom said...

Same thing happened to me! Last night! Wal-ASS-Mart - had coupons AND a few gift cards to use...it was almost 10 at night and the line was two deep behind me. They were pissed. I HATE people like that. GO to another line or something.

Asshats.