Monday, November 13, 2006

Bedtime Business

Jason is generally a good person, really he is. He behaves in an appropriate manner about 98% of the time. Unlike me, he behaves as though he does not require adult supervision. Therefore, before I launch into my rant, I will list some of his positive attributes.

He always brushes his teeth
(I know that sounds obvious, but a lot of women complain that their husbands do not. Have you ever read True Wife Confessions? Jesus.)

He can dress fairly well
(True, he hangs on to clothing well past it's prime. But I never have to dress him.)

He's a good cook

I can talk politics with him

He's really cute

He knows the importance of symmetrical eyebrows

Last night, however, I discovered why so many women stab their husband while they sleep.

The snoring. For the love of God. The snoring. I poke him to try to get him to roll over. I lay a pillow on his face (not hard. Well, not to hard). I put my cold feet on him. Anything.

Nothing. Works.

Then, the moaning. People make noise in their sleep. Yes, this I get. But I wonder if he's dreaming about freaking Christy Turlington or something because it sounds pretty darn sexual if you ask me.

The talking. Sweet God. The talking. Actually, talking wouldn't be so bad, if he didn't randomly shout things at 2am.

Imagine you are sound asleep and are suddenly and violently thrust into consciousness by someone shouting,


That doesn't even make sense! It's not like he's shouting, "There's a fire in the house, get out!" He's talking about TEA. I don't even drink tea!

We have a queen size bed. Neither of us are small people. We're not the freaking monster that ate Denver or anything, but we aren't small. So there are some sharing issues.

I can move 1/2 of an inch in any direction and Jason is IMMEDIATELY in the space that I had only moments ago occupied. I have no idea how he does this. God forbid I get up to pee because then the entire bed is gone. There is no longer any hope for me to rest or even lay down.

I know, I know. A lot of women have husbands who beat them or are bad with money or drink a lot or whatever. I'm very lucky that my husband is at least (reasonably) sane.

I'm just tired.


my4kids said...

I get you on the bed complaint both snoring and taking your space my husband does both! He snores and I just can't get him to stop. Also he takes up my place in bed or all the blankets and we have a king size!

louann said...

This is too funny! (track backed on your posts just now). Fund myself laughing by myself while I read this. This snoring issue, I believe this is universal. Agh. Once when I was complaining to my Mom, she said the trick is for me to go to sleep ahead of him and I will not be disturbed by my hubby's snoring -NOT! Like I woke up in the middle of the night praying to high heavens that the snoring would just miraculously stop!