Thursday, January 11, 2007

Inability to poop vs. Herbicidal Warfare

When I was a little girl if anything ailed me, my mom immediately decided it was because I was constipated.

Chick: Mom! My stomach hurts!
Chick's mom: You must be constipated!

C: Mom! My head hurts!
CM: You must be constipated!

C: MOM! A large dog just bit me and my leg is bleeding profusely!
CM: Well. Sounds like constipation to me.

Clearly, my mom has no advanced medical training. Clearly.

Now that I am a grown-up and my diet includes copious amounts of fiber, apparently constipation is no longer my primary issue. This has been replaced, however, by Agent Orange.

See, my dad was in Vietnam. My limited understanding of Agent Orange is that it was used primarily between the years of 1961-1971. My dad was in Vietnam between 1970 and 1971. He probably was exposed to it, no doubt, and there is a small potential that it did cause some problems. But I do not think this is the answer for every issue.

C: Mom, I am really stressed out about work.
CM: You probably wouldn't be so stressed had your dad not been exposed to Agent Orange.

C: Well, I fell down the stairs last night and bruised my butt really badly.
CM: That darn Agent Orange has made you so clumsy!

C: My physician said that I'm infertile and possibly sterile and I'm having a hard time dealing with it.
CM: It's probably that Agent Orange causing you to be infertile and possibly sterile! Stupid war!

If only all of life's problems were so easy to solve. Either take a laxative or blame it on the Vietnam War.


Brown Eyed Girl said...

Oh my about something to fix things.

My Grandma's was macuricome (or something like that). It was this red stuff she painted on us. I'm not sure if it was so bug bites or cuts or what..but seriously..

Chicken pox= macuricome
Paper cut =macuricome
Sore Throat=she'd slather it on your neck

As if this stuff cured all.

Your Mom and my Grandmas...oh jeez.

julie said...

My brother and I like to blame any dysfunction in our lives on our parents' divorce. Fear of commitment? Must be the divorce. Poor communication skills? Divorce. Dislike of certain vegetables? Divorce, divorce.

Of course, it's just a (hohrible) joke between us. We would never tell Mom.

word verification: bunpogra I don't know why it is funny, but it is.

velocibadgergirl said...

You should start following her lead. If the copy machine jams while you're using it or your shopping cart has a bad wheel, blame Agent Orange.

Em said...

Hmmmm...constipation or poisoning. Those are the causes for all that ails us, huh? Well, one of those is easy to remedy. The other...that will then be the excuse for everthing!

Bethany said...

Are you sure your constipation wasn't caused by Agent Orange?

Emma in Canada said...

Your mum sounds like mine. Except that it is not Agent Orange that ails me, it is my weight.

And Agent Orange? Freaky stuff. I read a biography where the vet's daughter was born without an anus. yikes.

That Chick Over There said...

Oh yes, it's some weird stuff. I totally agree. I knew a vet's daughter who had a basketball size tumor in her stomach and they said Agent Orange was to blame.

I just don't think it's to blame because I have the grace of plane crash.