Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Did someone say OPEN LETTERS?

Dear Husband:

Sweet, sweet man, I do so adore you.

However, your recent actions? Make me want to hit you about the head with a raw chicken.

For example, sweet love, I really don't mind you borrowing my car to go to your meeting in Nashville. I know you didn't want to take the rental car all that way. However, when I gave you the car? The gas tank was full. When you gave me the car back? Not so much.

Additionally? I know you have a super bad memory, honey bunch, but really? If you could attempt to make an effort to remember when I have meetings? That would be super. Because you are the only one who rings "Build me up Buttercup" on the cell phone and it's really just difficult for me to impress these people who are older, smarter, and make 100x my annual salary on a monthly basis, when I have cute 60's style ditties playing on my cell phone.

Also sweetness? I know you are upset and frustrated about the situation with the car. I know that you want to get it resolved. However, calling me twenty times a day and asking me to call the insurance company is not the answer. I have called. I have called the company we have the loan with. I have told you every word they said. Me calling them every twenty minutes will only serve to make them very, very angry and put our claim on the bottom of the stack. Yes, they should have the information when they say they will. I totally agree. That does not mean I can fix it.

Please, be a dear and try to check yourself regarding the following items, lest a raw chicken be flung at you Kung Fu style as you walk through the door this evening.

I love you one million!
Your adoring wife

Dear fat ass:

Haven't we already talked about this? Consider this your 2nd notice of eviction! Biznatch!

That Chick

Dear stubborn belly fat:

See the above note to my fat ass. Please heed accordingly.

That Chick

Dear Hostess 100 Calorie Pack:

Why must you and your chocolatey goodness tempt me so? It's not time to eat you! Stop looking at me like that!

Hungrily yours,
That Chick

Dear member of my family that I actually do really love:

Why, oh why must you take every positive thing I tell you and turn it into a dig towards me? I ask you? Because I'm really freaking proud of my kid for bringing up his grades recently. He's done extremely well. So when I tell you, BECAUSE I'M PROUD, you decide to tell me, once again, that had I not been going to college that he would have been doing well all along. So sorry for my efforts to better myself. That huge raise and promotion I got about 1 month after graduation clearly would have been mine no matter what, right? And the fact that the kid's vision decreased signficantly and he's been doing better since he got, oh, um, NEW GLASSES certainly had nothing to do with his considerable improvement in school. Certainly not! For that would be LOGICAL and NOT MEAN and we can't have that.

I really do love you, but I wish you'd think before you speak.

That Chick

Dear person who suggested I might be bi-polar:

Bite me.

Love and Stuff,
That Chick

Dear female employee of my husband:

Honey, I don't know if you've ever heard of this, but there is a little something called: PERSONAL SPACE. You really might want to invest some time in studying this concept. I mean, I'm a pretty open individual, but when you came up to me the very first time I met you and stood so close to me that I could smell the Sonic breakfast burrito that you had for breakfast on your breath? Dude.

I'm just saying it's a wee-tad off-putting and could explain certain other things about your personality. Your inability to find a date and/or husband for example. Also, I appreciate knowing all about your inability to find a date and/or husband, because, you know, you TOLD me all about it the first fifteen minutes I knew you. But again, other people may see that as an issue.

Okay? If I can be of any assistance, let me know. But call me. Don't come over. I need a little room to breathe.

That Chick


Brown Eyed Girl said...

Dear That Chick,

Please warn a girl before she reads this funny funny shit.

Cuz choking on my Kashi Honey Almond Flax Granola bar...not cool.


Your Wannabe Sista

Amy W said...

Loved it!

I am in the same boat as you, I ALWAYS get a vehicle after Ray's been driving it WITH NO FREAKIN GAS. That's a good way to piss me off.

Denise said...

CHICK, you slay me lol.

frannie said...

Dear Chick,

You are the most awesomest, super-awesome chick evah!!!

with much adoration,

PinkCat said...

OMG Some how you always manage to brighten my day.... thanks your so funny and I love ya.

Take care xx

Alpha Dude said...

Dear Chick,

Thank you for making my coworkers think I was choking to death. I can still just barely breathe.

In case I hadn't yet told you - Congratulations on getting your degree. That is truly awesome!
I did it similar to how you did it - married with kids and two jobs. You deserve a medal.

Very Truly Yours,
Alpha Dude

SJINCO said...

Dear Chick,

I love, Love, LOVE! open letters, keep'em coming!

Your blogsphere friend,

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

Thanks for the laugh, I so needed it (my three year old just dumped a full container of baking soda inside the fridge and over the kitchen floor I scrubbed on my freakin' hands and knees yesterday!).

Feel free to check out A group blog for like-bellied gals to meet up.


Unknown said...

Dear Chick,
I see you are a fan of Unsorted Mail. If not, you should be. And could you uh, please pass the paper towels, I seem to have spewed coffee all over my computer screen this afternoon.
Thanks so every lovin much.


Emma in Canada said...

Reminder to self: go to bathroom prior to reading Chick. After 4 kids, the old kegels ain't what they used to be.

Question to self: Why were my letters to people never even close to as funny as Chick's? Or not funny at all for that matter.

Shanilie said...

lol good post. You have a gift of being able to bring a smile to people's faces. Thank you. It is always a 'pick me up'in my day.

What a good way to vent. I am going to have to try this one some time! My fat has needed a good talking to for a while now.....and most likely my hubby too ;)

Anonymous said...

Ooooh....I just saw an ad for the Hostess 100 calorie packs in a magazine today. This is indeed a glorious day.

my4kids said...

Chick, you really are just to funny like everyone said you should have some warning prior to each post such as warning go potty first for funny and there is the other like yesterdays which would have been have box of kleenex on hand!
I may have to steal this idea from you though I have a few open letter to write myself, especially since those people will never read them (hopefully).

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

Dear That Chick Over There:

You are too freakin funny!!!!



Crazy is as Crazy Does

Gerbil said...

(sadly) Oh, if you had only told me, I would have saved those two chickens for you... but I have PLENTY of roast chicken to fling at him if you want it.

Thank you for open letter because they made me giggle instead of going in search of a crotch-bat for SOMEbody around here. Somebody would thank you too, if he knew.

Anonymous said...

Dear Chick,

You made me giggle and snort Crystal Light strawberry kiwi liquid out my nose, which in turn made my daughter shriek and clap her hands.

Mental note to self: no drinking liquids while reading Chick's blog and MUST!! use ladies room BEFORE reading Chick's blog :)

Love and Target-Bags,


Dreamer said...

You are so funny! Love it!

CPA Mom said...

Dear Sweet Sally Struthers, I love your open letters.

Julie said...

Good lord woman! Good thing e-postage is free. You did a lot of letter writing. Funny stuff!

Attila the Mom said...

::snicker snicker:::

Patiently waiting said...

Dear That Chick Over There, thanks for giving me a good laugh today :-)